It's gift giving season......But I have some thoughts

 The internet has me pegged as a Grandma and I am getting daily targeted ads about things I should buy the grandkids.

I actually found myself unable to resist buying a little battery operated poop toy that you can play hide and seek with. It makes farting noises to give clues.

EJ thinks it is funny, but it was probably an unnecessary purchase.

When I am spending time with my grandsons, the thing that I am reminded of is that they don’t actually need too much stuff.

Sawyer still doesn’t do screen time, but he sure loves the TV remote.

At nine months Coby is more excited by finding the mother lode of tupperware than most of the other toys that are scattered around, and at almost 4 years old, EJ can spend a shocking amount of time thriving with an empty tissue box and a roll of scotch tape.

It is certainly the time of year to update this post from several years ago:

The Best Present is usually your Presence

Good parenting requires twice as much time and half as much money.

This is the season for gift giving, but we all actually could do with a lot less stuff. The best present I think that families can give to each other is the gift of self (otherwise known as time and attention.)

For kids who are old enough to understand, give a certificate that promises a special activity that you might do some time in the future. For older kids, escape rooms are a ton of fun (they now have some virtual escape rooms available if you don't feel up to going in person.) A membership to one of the local museums or the Exploratorium is another good gift to give to the family.

It is great for families to do outings altogether, but one-on-one time is so important if you can manage it. Mix and match so that you make sure that everyone gets special time with one other family member. Make sure to include one on one time for you parents as well.

The list of Nurse Judy's inexpensive and creative activities has some old and new ideas.

• Collect and decorate rocks with colorful paints and glitter for a rock garden. This is a great one to use as a reward for good behavior. When your child sees the pretty rocks, they will remember that they earned them.

• Make a collage. Old magazines and old photos are great for this activity.

• Make a musical instrument. Use your imagination: a shoe box with rubber bands can be a guitar; glasses filled with different levels of water make different tones; tapping different surfaces with chopsticks makes different sounds.

  If you are lucky enough to have real instruments, Let them play!

• Go on a 'use all your senses' walk. What do they see, smell, hear, and feel? (This is also a great way to practice mindfulness, which everyone can benefit from!)

• Make personalized place mats. Take some family photos, glue onto cardboard, and cover with clear contact paper. Kids will love to use these with meals.

• Create a scavenger hunt walk. Plan a list ahead of time of thing to find...like a dog, an airplane, or even a girl with purple hair (or if you live in San Francisco you might be able to add some more unique items to the list -- a memory comes to mind of a younger Lauren loudly calling attention to the naked man painted gold, while Alana somehow managed to completely not notice him).

• Go on an ABC hunt. Find things that start with all the different letters...or find the actual letters on signs and license plates. This is a great game in a supermarket or on a car ride.

• Download free coloring pages from the internet. With a little searching, you can get a picture of just about anything.

• Draw with chalk. Make a hopscotch board.

• Make your own play dough. You can find the recipe online.

• Make a fort using the couch cushions,

• For a special occasion, set up the tent and have a backyard camp out (During the kids last visit, Sandy and Elliot set the tent up in the garage) It is actually a good thing to air them out once in a while.

• Write a story and illustrate it together.

• Decide on a recipe and bake or cook something. Kids will often try foods more eagerly if they helped with the cooking. Let them help sprinkle in different spices and be the taste-tester.

• Have a tea party. Invite the dolls, and get out the good china that you never use.

• Trace your hands and feet and color them in.

• Have some down time while watching a video or a special TV program. There are some lovely educational TV programs and videos out there.

• Play a computer game. Don't be afraid of controlled use. Children that don't learn how to be comfortable with computers at a young age are at a distinct disadvantage in this high tech culture.

• Okay, now put that screen away and get some fresh air! Families can play some sports outside. Find a patch of grass, a basketball hoop or one of the city tennis courts and get active.

• Blow bubbles.

• Playing board games with the family is the stuff that great memories are made of.

• There is little out there that is as much fun as a giant box to get inside of . If you buy a new appliance or see a neighbor buying one, ask for the box.

• Make a rain gauge and weather station. If it does rain, get out the galoshes and find some big puddles to jump in.

• Play dress up. In my opinion, every house needs a good dress up box, (after Halloween is a great time to pick up costumes and things on sale)

• Read!

• If you can manage to make it work, try hard to have at least one meal of the day sitting down with the entire family. Have everyone say a little about their day. Having one child help with cooking a special dinner, including making and decorating a menu is a great way to have one on one time.

• Take advantage of where we live; there are always fairs, festivals and museums that are going on.

• Make a scrapbook with keepsakes and photos of all the fun activities

• Unless you are using the phone or tablet as part of the activity make sure you put them down and be fully engaged in what you are doing (emails can wait)

  For Those lucky enough to live in or near the Bay Area, here is my list of quirky, only in SF things to do.

• At the start of the pandemic, my daughter Lauren created a list of fun, at-home improv activities you can play as a family. Even though, thank goodness, the pandemic is over, this list is something to keep for a rainy day

• Fort Funston: Bring some dog treats and take a walk. You are pretty much guaranteed to see lots of fuzzy friends to pet. If you are lucky you will see hang gliders. (Free)

• Take a ferry ride. The route from the Ferry building to Jack London square is super easy, and there are snacks and a bathroom available!

• Turrell Sky dome: For this you need an admission to the De Young museum. Many folks have no idea that this magical place exists. Go out to the garden by the cafe and follow the path and signs down to the sky dome. Once you are in there, make sure you sing and listen to the acoustics

• The camera below the cliff house: Lots of folks don’t bother stepping in there, but it is worth it. The Camera Obscura gives a real time 360 view of the surrounding area. It is only open when the weather is clear. It isn’t free, but it is reasonably inexpensive

• The Wave Organ: This is an old exploratorium exhibit that remains at the end of a jetty behind the St Francis Yacht club. When the tide is right (good luck, I have rarely been there are the right time) pipes will play music. It is an enchanting place regardless, especially if you are there when no one else is out there. It is free

• Musee Mecanique - If they love it there...consider earning points for future play there

• Labyrinth down at Land’s End is worth checking out.

• Walking tours are free and plentiful. These are a fun way to get outside and learn a little history of the city.

• The Gingerbread house in the lobby of the Fairmont Hotel is worth a trip. It is only there until the New Year. This is free unless you opt to splurge on the very expensive tea.

• I love the Stairway walks of SF book. If your child is old enough that they don't start asking to be carried half way through the walk, these are a great family activity.

• Sing-a-longs at the Castro Theatre (currently getting renovated, but hopefully these will start again in mid 2025)

• Volunteer as a family.

• Groupon and todaytix are great ways to find the deals out there!

• https://www.sftourismtips.com/san-francisco-with-kids.html

• https://tripswithtykes.com/free-things-to-do-in-san-francisco-with-kids/

If you are not in the Bay Area, do a little searching to find your own local treasures

Happy Holidays. Go out and make some wonderful memories!

Intensive Parenting/Can your child survive if you don't monitor their every waking minute?

 In August 2024, Surgeon General, Dr. Vivek Murthy, issued an advisory on the mental wellbeing of parents. The report, Parents Under Pressure, shares that caregivers and parents are experiencing elevated levels of stress.

Really? Parenting is stressful? This comes as little surprise to those who are dealing with bedtimes, mealtimes, tantrums etc.

For those who do not have the bandwidth to read the entire advisory, it goes on to say that one-third of parents with children under 18 rate their stress level as 8 or higher on a 10-point scale, according to psychological association data. Two-fifths of parents report being “so stressed they feel numb.” Three-fifths say stress makes it hard to focus. Two-thirds are consumed by money problems.  

In every case, parents report markedly higher rates of stress than non-parents. 

Background

So what is the benefit of spotlighting parental stress? Does pointing it out just add more stress?  Actually, if shining a light on it might help us identify some potential action items, we think it is worthwhile.

The Parents under Pressure report places some of the blame on something called intensive parenting, which is what today’s post is about.

Intensive parenting is an ideology that parents’ emotion, energy, time, and money should be focused on their children (Hays, 1996). It is suggested that this has been a major strategy of parenting in many developed countries. 

How did we get here?

Everything makes more sense with a little context, and the pendulum always swings just as far in the opposite direction. In this case, the pendulum we are discussing is parenting styles. Intensive parenting is closer to one edge of the spectrum.

On the other extreme, in 1945 Rene Spitz found that children in homes and hospitals that were deprived of touch and emotional contact were caught in debilitating grief. This is where Spitz coined the term “Failure to Thrive (FTT)  “Such babies were deprived of 'maternal care, maternal stimulation, and maternal love”  (What Do Babies Need to Thrive? Changing Interpretations of 'Hospitalism' in an International Context, 1900-1945). 

Then psychologists John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth weaved together decades of conjoined research to establish Attachment Theory. In short, intensive parenting “appears” to be the answer to avoid raising children who are emotionally starved, failing to thrive, or at risk of becoming insecurely, or avoidantly attached. Looking more closely we now know that there needs to be a middle ground that doesn’t require choosing between parental burnout or thriving children. Both are possible! (Here is something to watch with more about Secure Attachment).  

Recognizing Intensive Parenting

We understand, of course, that there is no way to eliminate all parental stress, but if you can recognize if you’ve swung too far into intensive parenting, this can be one component of the issue. Let's take a closer look at intensive parenting and see if you can relate.

Take a moment and internally answer a few true/false questions. 

• Women are inherently better/more natural at parenting than men. 

• Parenting should be fulfilling and a delight. 

• Children should be cognitively and intellectually stimulated by their parents.

• Parenting is difficult and the most demanding job.

• Parents should prioritize the needs of the child above everything else.

More “yes’s” than “no’s” (three or more out of five) are indicative of this existential intensive parenting culture that is rampantly informing parenting behavior, cultural norms, and policy in our country.  

Some intensive parenting behavior is driven by social media (clicking this link will either make you laugh or cry). That is something parents 40 years ago didn’t have to deal with. To be fair, parents were playing the ‘look what my kid can do” and “you aren’t doing that right” game, long before Instagram came along.

But social media can’t be classified as something that is necessarily bad. Many parents get valuable insight, great little tips and support from some sites. Parenting can be very isolating so if positive connections can be found, we wouldn't want to take that away.

On the other hand, social media can also be a megaphone for misinformation as well as feeling judged and inadequate. The key is trying to figure out if something is making you feel good or bad. It’s not always easy to identify. 

My daughter Alana, a mental health therapist puts it this way to her clients. If you had a gas tank, is this thing adding gas to your tank or siphoning it away?

And if it’s draining your tank, take steps to remove it from your orbit. Give yourself permission to “unfollow” or “mute” those accounts when you find them.

Another extreme consequence of Intensive Parenting

Intensive parenting potentially teaches kids that they have unlimited power. When parents are constantly tending to their every whim past developmental necessity, providing stimulation, comfort, etc., children don’t have to learn to problem solve. One classic example of this is the parent who steps in at the first “I’m bored” to become the head of the entertainment committee. Another is when you become a short-order chef for your 2-year-old.

While we want your child to have a sense of empowerment, the most authentic way for them to get that is by achieving some things on their own.

I would go out on a limb and say that where effective parenting is concerned, it should be very clear that you are ultimately in charge. Not the three year old who really wants to see how many tennis balls fit in the toilet. Parents sometimes need a gentle reminder of this.

What can you do to combat Intensive Parenting? 

The Surgeon General’s advisory urges a societal shift to recognize and support parents’ mental health needs, and frames this as crucial to family and community health. Realistically, massive societal change is not immediately in your power. We need to start at the level where the agency lives, which is in your mindset, and behaviors. 

Sometimes restructuring things just a bit can make a difference.

Brittany addresses this in her work with parents and families. She spends a significant amount of time trying to convince parents that their self-care is not harming their children, and it is essential to their child’s present health and future development. There is a toxic message hidden within the intensive parenting ideology that parents' needs are less important than those of their children. Parents need sleep, healthy food, adult social stimulation, alone time, exercise, and play. When parents prioritize these things for themselves, health naturally overflows to their children. Parents parent from a better place, and the family system is overall healthier and more resilient. 

Here are her top actionable steps she gives parents: 

• Minimize digital toxins, i.e. social media that is rigid or not supportive. Try turning those alerts off so that you can better control when and how much you “see.” It’s okay if you’re not the first to like that new post. Have boundaries on news consumption.

• Maximize nutrition. Eat enough protein, fruits and vegetables. A lot of parents are walking around “hangry” and malnourished. 

• Spend time in nature 

• Build a supportive in-person community. Sometimes that’s with individuals we share genes. Most often it’s found in our “framily.”  This also means minimizing exposure to “energy vampires,” the people in your life that you find draining. This might unfortunately include close family members, at times.

• Mindset is life. Connection above perfection! And her personal favorite, “this isn’t happening to me, this is just happening.”

There is a fear that stepping away from your responsibilities as a parent makes you selfish, or that your child and their development will suffer. We do not advocate going back in time to the 1940s, as above, and fully ignoring your child. As professionals, our experience is that your kids will turn out ok if you step back a little bit to take time for yourself. Better than ok…we find that parents who prioritize themselves can raise more holistic humans. Remember, you’re a role model. What do you want your kids to be like when it’s their turn to raise a family?

Concluding Thought… 

Clearly, if you are among those who are feeling stressed out, you are not alone. Here is an old post from Nurse Judy that lists some more action items you can take to ease things a bit

Sometimes being a parent is all consuming. It is easy enough to lose sight of who you are once you take off your mommy or daddy hat. We suggest making a concerted effort to have some time for yourself and as well as your partnership. This benefits everyone in the family. You get to see that your kid survives without your 24/7 attention. 

Since financial stress is a real thing for many people there are creative ways to work around that. If you have friends with kids, take turns establishing a babysitting schedule where you can alternate helping each other out. Dates don’t need to be expensive. A picnic, a candlelight bath (remove the rubber ducks…or not), a romantic walk, a prolonged foot rub are great options.

Remember, more is often caught than taught when it comes to children, so it’s never too early to set a good example.

This post was a collaborative effort between Dr. Ted, Brittany Williams MAMFT, and Nurse Judy

The World could use a dose of Mr Rogers These Days

 I first ran this post several years ago after there was a week that seemed to have one horrible headline after another. It feels like a good time to run it again.

A generation of children grew up to be better people because of the lessons Mr. Rogers taught, but I wonder how many little ones know who he is anymore? 

He was as genuinely kind in person as he was on television. I know this because when I was a nurse at Children’s Hospital of Pittsburgh, he was a frequent visitor there.

He actually had the opportunity to personally console me one day.  I had chopped my waist length hair into an awful perm. I guess I was visibly upset over this bad haircut. What lessons did help me remember?

• Hugs help 

• Hair grows back.

Here are some of my favorite pieces of his wisdom:

• There are three ways to ultimate success: The first way is to be kind. The second way is to be kind. The third way is to be kind.

• There is only one thing evil cannot stand, and that is forgiveness.

• There's a part of all of us that longs to know that even what's weakest about us can ultimately count for something good. It is okay not to be perfect!

• Solitude is different from loneliness, and it doesn't have to be a lonely kind of thing.

• Accept people as they are.

• Look and listen carefully.

• We all have feelings. Talking and acknowledging them is the first step towards finding ways to deal with them that don’t hurt anyone.

• Anything that's human is mention-able, and anything that's mention-able can be more manageable. When we can talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary. The people we trust with that important talk can help us know that we're not alone.

• Wonder about things

• You can’t go down the drain in the bathtub. Don’t be shy about sharing things that might be scary.

• Be yourself. It is not how you look, what you wear or what toys you have that make you special.

• What can you grow in the garden of your mind? Use your imagination.

• You rarely have time for everything you want in this life, so you need to make choices. And hopefully your choices can come from a deep sense of who you are.

• One of the most important things a person can learn to do is to make something out of whatever he or she happens to have at the moment.

• Often out of periods of losing come the greatest strivings toward a new winning streak.

• Often when you think you're at the end of something, you're at the beginning of something else.

• There are times when explanations, no matter how reasonable, just don't seem to help.

• Love isn't a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like struggle. To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now.

• Look for the helpers. Those might be a person in uniform, or another parent with children. 

People have reached out to ask me how I am faring after the election. Actually, I am on a ‘headline hiatus’ for another week or so.

While I realized that many people are celebrating what they see as a victory, Personally, I am confused, sad and frightened.

At some point, when I am ready, I will  look at the world, roll up my sleeves, remind myself of some of Mr. Rogers' finer pieces of wisdom and see what I can do to make a positive difference

.

The ghost in the Mirror/Leaving your kids alone for the first time...what could possibly go wrong?

 Several months ago, I saw a news article about how old your child needs to be before it is okay for them to be left at home without supervision. The guidelines vary widely from state to state. Interestingly, when it comes to actual laws, most states don’t have a specific age. 

I know that  it feels like just yesterday that your kids were still in diapers, but for most families, comes the time when it is very reasonable to transition from needing a babysitter.

There are obviously a lot of factors to consider.

• Does your kid tend to be responsible?

• Are they comfortable being left alone for a bit?

• Are there neighbors or resources nearby if needed?

It all brings to mind a true story about a time that I left my youngest daughter Alana home for the first time. Things didn't go exactly as planned.

She was somewhere between 10 and 11.

There was no school that day. It may have been a conference day, but I don’t actually recall. In any event, none of the parents were easily able to take the day off. 

We arranged for two of her closest friends Lauren T and Yael to spend the day at our house.

These were very responsible and fairly mature kids. Also, I was only 7 minutes away at the Noe Valley Pediatrics office if they needed me.

All of the parents  would take turns checking in. We felt pretty comfortable with the plan.

I was not expecting any issues, so I was surprised when mid day, Alana called me in a complete panic.

To the best of my recollection the conversation went something like this

Mommy, we need you to come home right away!

Is everyone okay?

There was a ghost in the mirror, please come home!

Um, excuse me? Please take a deep breath and tell me what is going on.

We tried to conjure someone and he appeared. There was a 4th set of eyes reflected in the mirror. We all saw this. PLEASE, just come here and we will tell you the whole story

If I need to leave work for something bizarre like this, I am going to be mighty annoyed.

We will do anything. No allowance for the rest of my life. Please come home.!!!!

I tried one last thing.

Surely Java would bark if there was something creepy in the house

(In all honesty, Java, our golden retriever would more likely bring the ghost her ball and ask him to throw it. She wasn’t much of a watchdog.)

Java is already out with the dog walker. She isn’t here. Please come home!

So, I explained to my office that apparently there was a ghost in my bathroom mirror and I needed to leave. Bless them, they were remarkably supportive.

I got home and the three girls collectively flew into my arms.

They tearfully told me what had happened.

MTV had a show called 2together that featured a fictional boy band. If you are in your thirties, you might remember the show. Both of my girls were huge fans. Lauren’s room was plastered with 2gether posters. (Sigh, they are still up there. Her childhood room is where I do much of my writing and it is frozen in time).

In January 2001, the youngest member of the band had died from leukemia.

All of their young fans were devastated over this tragic loss.

So here they were, a month or so after his death.. Alana and her friends decided to create some type of ritual. They went into the dark bathroom, stared into the mirror and chanted his name over and over. Suddenly, at the same time, they all swear that they saw a 4th reflection staring back at them.

This was more than 20 years ago but some memories stick with you.

Lauren T. remains one of Alana’s closest friends after all of these years. Here are her recollections in her words:

It was a Jewish holiday (this is what I remember, but you are probably totally right that it was parent-teacher conferences), and Alana, Yael, and I all had the day off. We were at Alana’s house, and it was one of those gray SF days, where the sun perhaps gave minimal effort to bust through in the morning, but had long since given up before the moment in question. 

Michael Cuccione, one of the stars of 2Gether and our mutual tween crush, had recently passed away. We decided to try and contact him through a practice called “Ghost in the Mirror.” In my memory, we were giddy about it, giggling our way to the bathroom, the soft carpet of the Kivowitz’s house on my feet, the coziness of the day still palpable all these years later. 

I stood in the middle, with Alana and Yael on either side, their hands in mine. We turned off the lights. I closed my eyes. We started chanting in unison, “Michael Cuccione. Michael Cuccione. Michael Cuccione. Micheal Cuccione. Micheal Cuccione….” All of a sudden, I heard Yael and Alana screaming. I opened my eyes to two bright yellow eyes making their way down the mirror and out towards us. We all scrambled to open the door. It was stuck. We finally got it open and raced down the stairs. 

I sat in one of the big living room chairs. My finger was bleeding. Was it because I had nicked it on the door handle…or something more sinister? 

I of course remember Judy coming home. Relief, warmth, safety…and I think subconsciously, a sense of understanding. I think back now to what it felt like to have an adult not just hold space for our fear, but also for our mischief, our curiosity…our wonder. It’s a moment that surely changed me, and what an invaluable gift that the adult in the room found a way to both comfort us and also validate us - a line I can only imagine was challenging to toe. 

I’m so grateful that Judy didn’t try to explain away the “logical” reasons why this might have happened, like so many other adults in my life.I know what I saw, but more importantly, I know what I felt. And I will never, ever forget it. 

For the record, I am not sure that I didn’t try (and fail) to find a rational explanation for what had happened. Also, Alana does NOT remember me being quite as warm and fuzzy that day, but I appreciate Lauren sharing her memories!

And yes of course this story will be included in the book that I am working on.

………………………………………………………………………………………………..

If you are at this transitional stage when you are getting ready to let your kiddos stay home alone:

• Start small, leave them alone while you do a short errand and see how that feels.

• Have rules and expectations set and discussed in advance such as not leaving the house or opening the door to stranger.

• Make sure that no one has access to firearms.

• Until they are old enough that this isn’t an issue, have safe food and snacks available so that they don’t need to be using the stove or doing actual cooking.

• Make sure they know where flashlights are and that the batteries are working.

• Have all the phone numbers for emergency contacts written down, don’t rely on a cell phone.

• Arrange routine check in’s.

• Oh and……absolutely NO conjuring any spirits

Because you never can anticipate everything, as evidenced by this story, you might consider this game/exercise that I did with my kids. It helps your children work on essential problem solving skills.

I couldn’t help using this photo. Lauren now has an album out on Spotify called Old Haunts and Alana was her ghost.

Can you love your sibling more than. you loathe their politics? I certainly hope so!

 Are you familiar with optical illusions?

You know the images can be seen in various ways.

A simple one includes different colored arrows. It doesn’t take too much coaching to be able to train someone to see both colors.

Another classic but more complicated one is an image of a young woman or an old crone depending on how you look at it.

If someone sees the young woman, that is their truth; you can not reasonably convince them that that image doesn’t exist. Others can only see the old crone and not for lack of trying, can not see the young woman.

Of course they both exist.

My goal has always been to recognize that there are multiple valid ways to see things and to endeavor to see both sides. Things are rarely simply black and white. There can be more than one truth.

But in this election season I am suffering. Try as I might, I completely and utterly fail to understand how so many people in this country (hopefully significantly less than half) can support a candidate who I see as completely terrifying.

With most every issue that I care about it feels like there is a right and a wrong.

Women’s rights to autonomy over their own body? (I don’t care what state you are in.)

Our climate crisis? (we are running out of time)

Common sense gun control (that many gun owners agree with.)

Freedom to marry whoever you want.

Basic democracy.

This just scratches the surface.

This election feels like it goes deeper than simple politics. There are ethics involved. It's also about standing up for those most affected by these issues, ensuring they feel heard, and, where possible, taking on some of the responsibility to help others understand these impacts.

And yet, here we are. The polls are remarkably close. How is it possible that people, some who I see as good, intelligent, caring, reasonable people somehow see things so completely differently.

I feel like I am living in an alternate universe.

If you are like me, it gets personal. For years it has been very apparent that my older sister and my opinion about most political issues are NOT aligned. It is also clear that no minds are going to be changed. But when the bickering would get heated and the claws would come out thankfully we have been able to take a breath, channel our mom, and simply agree that loving each other has to be more important than our deeply differing opinions.

This past weekend, I was at a cousin’s wedding in New England surrounded by lots of extended family. Although I believe I was in the majority when it came to politics, by no means was my sister the only one on the opposite side of the political aisle.

For the most part, everyone checked their politics at the door and celebrated being together. It can be done. The only party that counted was the one we were dancing at. In fact, not having the news on and specifically NOT talking about politics was a needed respite.

All that being said, how can we simply agree to disagree when so much is at stake? Loving someone with different views involves caring enough to engage respectfully, and if there’s even a small opening for civil, constructive discussion, it’s worth trying to share perspectives that show why these issues matter deeply. In doing so, we hold onto each other’s humanity—even when our politics diverge.

After next week, there will be millions of disappointed people (not me not me please please please.)

 Being angry at people who are close to us, no matter how deeply we disagree on important manners, will not help anyone move forward.

Regardless of where you stand. Please vote and let your children see the process

Addendum: I read this post to my sister before sharing it. She gave it a thumbs up and and says it relates equally to both sides. And then….we started to argue about the issues. It got louder and louder. Did you hear us? Then we stopped and we both said “I love you”

Sigh

Halloween safety tips 2024

 There are crunchy leaves on the sidewalk and fun decorations on houses. It is time to update the Halloween post.

Even though Halloween often feels like it is all about  scary things as I list all of the accidents and things to be wary of, my intent is actually NOT to terrify you. Most of the things I mention are completely preventable!

Imagine that getting your children safely through this holiday is somewhat like walking through a minefield, but I am putting a warning flag on top of each mine so that you can avoid stepping on one!

Pumpkins

Carving a pumpkin can be a very fun tradition. Please make sure that your child's level of participation is consistent with their age and ability. Watch out for the sharp implements and make sure you assign your younger child to the safer tasks (young kids can draw on the pumpkin rather than carving.)

Clean up the mess. Pumpkin flesh is slippery and can cause falls and injuries when dropped on the floor. Layer newspaper or an old sheet under your carving work space and clean up spills right away so no one slips or trips. Skip the candles, which may cause fires. A burning candle in a pumpkin may become a blazing fire if left unattended. Instead, use a glow stick (available in many colors) or flameless candle to safely illuminate your jack-o'-lantern.

Of course, while glow sticks are a good option, I once had a patient who bent a stick in order to activate it. She likely used excessive force, but in any event, it  broke and squirted in her mouth. While you do want to avoid unnecessary contact with the insides of glow sticks, the good news is that they are generally non toxic. For the science nerds out there, this link is fun.

https://www.glowtopia.co.uk/news/how-glow-sticks-work/

Choosing a costume

Children are more than twice as likely to be hit by a car on Halloween than on any other day of the year!

Decorate costumes and bags with reflective tape or stickers and, if possible, choose light colors. Have kids use glow sticks or flashlights to help them see and be seen by drivers. Is your dog going along with the trick or treaters? Have them wear a glow in the dark collar!

When selecting a costume make sure it is the right size to prevent trips and falls. Be sure to wear something that is flame-resistant. Even if you have complied, remind your child that they need to pay very close attention to their surroundings and avoid walking near any candles or flames, especially if they have loose flowy costumes.  If a sword, cane, or stick is a part of the costume, make sure it is not sharp or too long. A child may be easily hurt by these accessories if they stumble or trip.

Comfortable shoes! Anyone of you who has sacrificed comfort to wear their sexy high heels knows what I am talking about. 

Make sure that no part of the costume is covering the ears so thoroughly that hearing might be impacted.  Masks can sometimes obstruct a child's vision, so assess the fit. Non-toxic face paint and makeup are another option. In past years some face paint made the news for containing toxic ingredients such as lead. Be familiar with the ingredients before you apply anything to your child’s skin. 

Avoid anything in the eye area. Always test the makeup in a small area first. Always completely remove it before bedtime to prevent possible skin and eye irritation.

Double check that your child doesn't have any latex sensitivity before you do too heavy of an exposure. Many Halloween masks are made of latex. I remember once that I actually had a patient who had an allergic reaction to the hair tinsel. You may want to do a test run of the costume and make-up a couple of days ahead of time to rule out any allergies. This dress rehearsal is also a great time to make sure the costume is comfortable and not tight or itchy.

My niece Lena is incredibly creative and when her son was younger she would put lots of time and energy into making fabulous costumes . More years than not, he would opt out at the last minute. The message here is not to get too invested. Take your photo ops early on while the getting is good.

Trick or treat rules

Almost every year there are reports of cannabis laced candy, but last year there also were reports of fentanyl that looked like candy (some humans suck). This is much more serious. 

Ideally you only get candy from trusted sources, but typically this isn’t usually the case.

Make sure that your children know that after trick or treating, the grown up needs to pick through trick or treat bags and toss anything that looks suspicious. Anything that looks like it has been tampered with should get tossed.

Children under the age of 12 should not be alone at night without adult supervision. If kids are mature enough to be out without you, remind them to stick to familiar areas that are well lit and trick-or-treat in groups. Never go into a strangers house unless they are accompanied by a trusted grownup.

If you are on the Next Door app, they have a brilliant map so you can see which of your neighbors are participating in the festivities - https://nextdoor.com/treat_map

Most parents automatically check through the candy of all of the younger kids (pocketing some of the good stuff for themselves.) But sadly, I think it is important to sort through the candy bounty from your older kids as well.

Popular trick-or-treating hours are 5:30 p.m. to 9:30 p.m. so if you are out driving, be especially alert for the trick-or-treaters.

A good meal prior to parties and trick-or-treating may discourage youngsters from filling up on Halloween treats.

Bring plenty of water along when you go trick or treating. Just trust me on this one.

Some candies are real choking hazards. If you have a younger child in the house, make sure they don't have unsupervised access to the stash.

If you have a child with nut allergies (I am sure this is NOT your favorite holiday) make sure that they turn over ALL the candy so that you can separate out anything that might cause trouble. It’s a good idea for allergic kids to know how to recognize the nuts that they have problems with, but a careful look at all of the ingredients is needed.

If your child has diabetes, make a plan with them to see how much candy they can safely eat without seriously impacting their glucose levels.

Expecting trick-or-treaters or party guests?

Consider purchasing non-food treats for those who visit your home, such as coloring books, stickers, tattoos or even hand sanitizer. Provide healthier treats for trick-or-treaters such as low-calorie treats and drinks. (Okay, fine...maybe you don't want to be "that" house, but I had to put it on the list.) Be sure walking areas and stairs are well lit and free of obstacles that could result in falls. Keep candle-lit jack o'lanterns and luminaries away from doorsteps, walkways, landings, and curtains. Place them on sturdy tables, keep them out of the reach of pets and small children, and never leave them unattended.

Covid tips

By no means is Covid the only game in town these days. Flu, RSV and all sorts of colds usually start to  ramp up this time of year.

So how do we stay healthy and still have fun? As with all activities there is a risk/benefit analysis. Trick or treating outdoors with a small group should be pretty safe. Have some hand sanitizer spray that you can easily spritz if you are grabbing candy from a communal bowl. If you are going to be in a crowd, see if you have a costume that includes a nice protective mask as part of it.

Now what do we do with all this candy???

Make a plan about how much candy they can eat at one time. It is okay to be a little more liberal than usual for a day or two, but come to an agreement about a reasonable candy intake over the next few weeks. My daughter Lauren was about 6 when she caught on that mom and dad were pilfering through her trick or trick bag and stealing all the snickers. After that she guarded her stash more carefully.

Remember that candy freezes (and some of it is actually better that way; frozen chocolate bars, yum!) Some dentists and orthodontists have buy back programs, where they will give your child a reward for turning in their candy. Check with your dentist to see if they participate.

You can create your own bartering program. The mom of one of my old patients had a system that they could exchange candy for lego pieces. …Brilliant. In any event, you may need to be extra vigilant with teeth brushing this season.

When I updated this post several years ago, I was still working at the start up ‘Oath care’. I had tapped into the wisdom of some of our specialists

Tips from developmental specialist Mona Singhal

www.Spark-wonder.com

Halloween with little ones 

Remember young children can’t always tell the difference between real and make believe. Give your kids a heads up that they may see some things like witches, pirates or ghosts that may look scary but it’s just friends playing dress up. Remind them that they will also see Elsas, Paw Patrol and their other favorite characters too! We want them to know there may be some scary moments but mostly some fun ones coming their way! 

Plan out the day with them. This will be a change in their routine so letting them know who you will be going trick or treating with and even talking about the path together will be helpful! “We are going trick or treating with your cousins and we will visit the pink house on peach street that we pass on the way to school!” A couple of highlights of the route is enough to help them feel like they know what to expect and this helps eliminate meltdowns. 

Wear comfortable clothing underneath their outfits! This way if the outfit gets uncomfortable (which it usually does) they can shed some layers while still sticking to the fun! Get your pictures in as soon as possible this way if dressing up isn’t going as planned you don’t have to stress it! A happy half pirate is better than a crying fully dressed one! 

Tips from a Pediatrician

Tummy aches and constipation from all the extra candy are very common the days after halloween.

There is often an uptick of little pieces of candy being stuck in places that they don’t belong (like the nose.)

And because everyone needs a good laugh…. 

Here are some brilliant suggestions from comedian and author Raquel D’Apice

Haven’t decided on a costume for your toddler for Halloween?

Let your toddler’s own personality be your guide. Here are three last-minute suggestions that are tried and true, and by “tried-and-true I mean “I came up with them on a whim, but I think they seem feasible?”

For shy, overly clingy toddlers:

Consider dressing your toddler up as a moth and then you yourself can dress up as literally any light source. (old fashioned lantern, candle, the moon).  You won’t be upset that they spent literally the entire evening trying to get you to pick them up, you’ll just be thrilled that they committed to the costume so well.

For non-clingy toddlers:

Dress your toddler up as a gray sphere labeled “wrecking ball” and let them loose wherever the Halloween festivities are taking place. 

For toddlers that like to explore, but lose their nerve after a few minutes and come back to you:

Boomerang or yo-yo costume is the way to go. If we’re being totally honest, the yo-yo costume is basically just a frisbee costume with a child leash attached to it, but it’s super practical if you’re worried about your toddler getting lost and it meets the requirement of “Can I throw this costume together frantically in an hour after the kid has gone to bed?”

Happy Halloween and best of luck

!