Talking to your child about inclusion

 How boring would it be if flowers came in only one shade? Or, all food tasted the same? What if there was only one genre of music?

We should celebrate that differences can make things more vibrant.

I was inspired to do this post when last year, my grandson Elliot’s sweet public school hosted their first Ability Awareness Fair. This is my daughter Lauren’s wheel house. She actually founded a company called Inclusive Arts.

Her mission centers around supporting opportunities for folks with disabilities to enjoy and participate in creative and performing arts.

Most frequently she is hired to offer workshops about what inclusion can look like in practice, in a wide variety of settings, including schools.

Her thesis statement is this: Everyone experiences the world in different ways.

No bodies are exactly the same when it comes to size, shape, strength, what they can and cannot do, and no brains are exactly the same either. One way that our brains might be different from others is how we respond to the different sensory inputs around us.

If you are talking to your child, or a group of kids, take a quick poll:

Hearing: Raise your hand if you like to listen to loud music. Say “shhh” if you prefer things a little on the quieter side, or need silence to concentrate.

Sight: Do you like being in a place with lots of bright flashing lights? Or do they make you want to close your eyes? (Hello Chuckie Cheese, Dave & Busters or the Chase Center during a Valkyries game)

Touch: Give yourself a hug (or massage!) Do you like the feeling of pressure on your body?

(Lauren has trained EJ to give a really excellent back rub)

Some people might hate the feeling of a tag on their clothes, etc… while others don’t even notice.

Smell: How sensitive are you to a yucky smell? The tolerance for this varies greatly. The parent who claims that changing a stinky diaper is torture, might really be having a hard time.

Taste: Are you open to tasting an array of flavors? Spicy food?

For older kids, you can start to teach them about the additional hidden senses our bodies have. This would include vestibular (balance) and proprioception (our awareness of where our body is in relation to itself and the things around it)

Explain that all these differences — our senses, what makes us feel stressed, what makes us feel calm, even how we communicate with others — are called ‘neurodiversity.’ Break the word apart: Neuro means relating to the brain and diversity relates to differences. All brains are different. There is no such thing as one right way to think or act or communicate, and no such thing as a wrong way either.

Ask kids how they prefer to calm down when they feel stressed. Everyone has a different way to soothe themselves.

Now that kids are back in school, it can be useful to dig deeper into these conversations in a safe place where your kids have permission to name things they noticed and ask any questions without fear of judgment.

It’s a good time to remind kids that everyone is different. They might have different hair, different colored skin, different language, different sizes, different families, different beliefs and different abilities.

When it comes to disability and neurodiversity, you can ask if they noticed any differences in the way students behaved, listened, moved… Continue the dialogue about how being different doesn’t mean bad.

It is a great exercise after noticing that someone is different to follow up with finding things in common.

Everyone needs to eat, sleep, breathe and poop. Most people want to have a friend.

From there, it can be really valuable to start talking about empathy, and what it might mean to be inclusive when it looks like maybe a difference is making something harder for a student.

Since Lauren has hands-on experience teaching about inclusion and neurodiversity to general education students, she immediately offered her services to EJ’s school. She supported them in developing a program that would be appropriate for transitional kindergarden - 5th grade students.

The ability awareness fair had 3 separate stations, each focusing on a different aspect of neurodiversity:

• Different Ways to Communicate,

• Tools for Bodies and Brains,

• Inclusive Play and Adaptation.

In each station they had activities to demonstrate what inclusion might look like for students with different needs, and also took time to let the students brainstorm their own ideas for how they might modify activities in different scenarios:

How might you play catch/tag/yard games with someone who uses a wheelchair?

How many different ways can you think of to give someone directions if they are deaf or hard of hearing?

How many different ways can you communicate that you have an unmet need (hunger, need to use the bathroom, etc…) without actually using words (signs, gestures, pointing, images, etc…)?

How can you show up as a friend?

When highlighting how difference is valuable, it’s crucial to not chastise someone for a difference of opinion, especially when it usually simply comes from a knowledge gap.

Lauren emphasizes the importance in these conversations of letting the young people have ownership over their ideas, and not shutting down any of their suggestions. When she asked a question about if it’s fair to let someone use a tool that might make a task easier for them, and a student said it felt unfair, instead of lecturing them on why they are wrong, Lauren simply asked more questions, and invited the other students to offer their input.

While of course EJ was thrilled to have mommy in his class, for everyone else, the Ability Awareness Fair far exceeded expectations.

After the event, when she reported back to me about how well it went, I was struck by how essential this is.

Regardless of where you fall on the political spectrum, inclusivity shouldn’t be a dirty word. If we can teach our kids at this age to be sensitive to differences our world would be a better place.

Are you interested in bringing a program like this to your kids’ school? Lauren would love to hear from you.

I am so grateful to Lauren for helping me get this one written and for making the world a better place for so many people.

Back to school adjustment tips 2026

 

When I was little, school started after Labor Day. It is hard for me to get used to the fact that August is now the month when many kids are going off to school. For some this is the first time. That’s a big deal.

And now my oldest grandson EJ is starting kindergarten. I join with all the other parents and grandparents out there asking, “Where does the time go?”

Doing some preparation ahead of time can be very valuable and can smooth the way.

If you read last week’s post, remember the ‘you are the coach’ analogy.

Doing some prep in advance can be valuable, but the actual moment where you watch your child march off to a new daycare or preschool or school is ‘game time’.

Some kids go off with a smile and wave; you win!

This is Alana on her first day of Kindergarten. She didn’t even spare us a backwards glance.

Others weep and you need to pull them off your body as they clutch at you in desperation.

Above is sweet EJ and his cousin Noam from a few years ago on the first day of preschool. Oy.

You end up leaving them in their new situation feeling like you have somehow failed. Welcome to being a parent. You lost this round but there are many rounds ahead that will be more successful. Keep in mind that many of the kids are putting on a big show, and are feeling stressed and sad for the moment. Most of them calm down shortly after you are out of sight and end up having a fine day. You, on the other hand, will feel like you have a fist clenched inside your gut.

Or do what Sandy did when he took Lauren to her first day of preschool. He left her crying with her new teachers and then went to the side of the building, hid in the bushes, and watched through the window. Lauren was fine in about 5 minutes but those were among the toughest 5 minutes of his life!

The teachers can be an essential part of the team helping with this adjustment period. Check in with them for a reality check. They can tell you how your little one fared once you are out of the picture (assuming you weren’t hiding in the bushes to see for yourself). If you feel like your child might need a little extra help separating, talk to the staff about what options they can come up with. Sometimes a little extra loving attention can be very helpful

One friend or familiar face can make a huge difference.

Do you know anyone who is in your child’s class? Maybe arrange a little date, or facetime for them to connect before the first day. If you don’t know anyone in the class, once school begins, ask your child to identify a few other children who seem nice. Reach out to those families and try to arrange some playdates outside of school hours. Social connection is so important.

In an ideal world, schools are a place where your child will be exposed to people of different colors, cultures and genders.

If you want to check it out, here is an old post: Talking to your child about differences

Below are some coaching tools

Tell stories or read

Your kids will love to hear stories about what your first day of school felt like. Or you can make up a story about another child who is going through similar situations. If you aren’t feeling particularly creative, you don’t need to be the one to make up the story. There are loads of wonderful ‘back to school’ books. It is easy to find a list online, but if it is possible, support a local book store.

Lauren loves an app called Goldminds. It is a great way to unwind at the end of the day, and they have lots of back to school content.

Make a list of some of the more common feelings that people might be feeling when they start a new school:

• Happy

• Sad

• Nervous

• Excited

• Tired

• Hungry

• Lonely

• Missing home

• Confused

• Bored

• Proud

I am feeling______________.

Maybe illustrate some flash cards for kids who aren’t reading yet.

You don’t need to limit it to one emotion.

Identify some things, good and bad, that might be triggering the emotion:

• I learned something new

• I made a friend

• I helped someone

• Someone made a face at me

• Someone wouldn’t hold my hand

• Someone wouldn’t share

• I didn’t like my lunch

• I am scared of the toilet (more common than you might think)

• I am having trouble with a skill that others seem to be able to do with ease

I am feeling ______________ because_______________

If the feeling expressed is a negative one - mad, sad, nervous, and you were able to identify a source, now is the time to talk about possible things that might help.

You can do so much through simple playing

Try some play sessions with a couple of dolls or stuffed animals; one is bravely heading off to school and proudly tells all about it after they are home. The other is having a much harder time. Talk about some things that may be tools that the brave bear is using or might help the scared bear.

Maybe the bear tried:

• bringing something like a scarf that smells like home.

• wearing a necklace with a photo.

• finding a little smooth round stone that you both rub some energy into and they can keep it in their pocket.

• writing a little heart or doodle on their arm and covering it with liquid band-aid.....

• Maybe the bear practiced saying goodbye several times, like a dress rehearsal

Do they want to give one or more of those a try?

Communication is so important!

Try to carve out a time where you can talk about the day. You want a captive audience. No screens for either of you. Bedtime, or when you are in the car might be your best shot.

If you are able to do a family dinner, that is also the perfect time for conversations.

This is a great opportunity to review tomorrow’s schedule and list any special things that are coming up that the family might be looking forward to.

Avoid the “How was your day? Fine” trap. Get in the habit of doing a little checklist.

• Tell me something you learned

• Tell me something that surprised you

• What was the silliest thing that happened?

• What did you do that was kind?

Teach your child the concept of a Mitzvah

This is the Jewish term for doing a good deed or act of kindness. Getting in the habit of at least one “mitzvah” a day is something to strive for. They can tell you how they did. Any simple kindness counts.

Other considerations

• Is your child up to date on their vaccinations and check ups? If you aren’t sure, call your doctor’s office sooner than later to get things scheduled and make sure you have any needed health forms.

• It is essential that you make sure you are able to pick up your child on time, especially those first couple of weeks. If you are going to be late, have an alternate trusted adult who can be there. Make sure that the school has all of the current cell phone and emergency contact numbers.

• Lots of studies show that eating a healthy breakfast makes a big difference. Have a breakfast plan and clothes picked out the evening before to avoid stressful confrontations.

• Make sure your child is not overtired. Start bedtime early enough that they are getting the sleep they need.

• Lots of kids will NOT pee or poop at school. Lauren is pretty sure that Elliot didn’t use his preschool bathroom for the first month (at least). Accidents happen. Make sure they have a change of clothes. For most of them this eases as they get more comfortable, but some stubborn kids will rather hold on to their poop rather than go on a toilet they don’t like. Keep an eye on this. When they get off their routine, some kids can get pretty constipated before you realize what is going on.

In conclusion

You never know when your child will decide to make transition to school a “thing”. Some children who never had issues will decide that this is the year to challenge you.

One ex patient of mine shared an anecdote. The parents had made quite the big deal of the first day of kindergarten and the child went in without a hitch. The trouble occurred that evening when the little 5 year old realized that this school business wasn’t an isolated event and she had to go back the following day.

Even if you are one of the lucky parents who’s intrepid child marches into their new situation without a backwards glance, it is perfectly normal for you to be deeply impacted by these milestones that signal the passage of time and that your child is growing older.

Lauren reminded me of a cartoon that I used to have taped on the wall above my desk. It was a sketch of a doctor, a nurse, a mom and a baby. The baby was about to get a shot. The caption was “You had better hold her close, she might cry.” The next frame was the nurse hugging the crying mom as the baby got the shot. Yes, this is likely to be just as tough on you as it is for your child!

Temper Tantrums/Tips for managing them

 My grandson Coby is a strong willed two and a half year old. Yes he is the one who recently ate a penny.

He likes to try to remind his parents that “you’re not the boss of me!”

Suddenly, tantrums are an almost daily occurrence, so I decided to update this old post.

It is the rare parent who doesn’t have to deal with temper tantrums. The behaviors include crying, yelling, aggression, and/or defiance. If your child is simply screaming at you, consider yourself lucky. Be aware that some stubborn kids will hold their breath until they actually pass out. (That is the body’s way of taking back control and getting them breathing again; not fun!)

You are not alone. On average, children aged 18 to 60 months have at least one daily! While the frequency of tantrums declines with age, the older kids can keep them going for quite a bit longer.

Let’s start with one of my favorite analogies.

Being a parent is like being the coach of a sports team. The real work is the preparation before the game when you learn and practice the plays. More work can be done after the game when you review how your team fared and work on any changes that need to be made.

During the actual game, you might be able to chime in to make little adjustments, but for the most part, unless someone is getting injured, you simply get to watch. This is not the time to effect any real teaching or change.

Recognizing the difference between “game time” and effective coaching opportunities is critical.

If we follow my theory, transition times, mealtimes, getting out of the house in the mornings and bedtimes are considered game time. You can’t do any effective coaching or teaching during these moments.

In the midst of the storm, your best bet is to just get through it as calmly and creatively as you can.

Here’s an example of a “game time” situation. Many years ago when my kids were little, I was a solo parent on a flight, returning home from grandparent/family visit. My sister Marjie had bestowed each of my daughters with a “my little pony” gift to entertain themselves on the flight. Alana, the two year old, had chosen the pink one, and Lauren ,the five year old, was happy with the blue one. Midway through the long flight, Alana wanted to make a trade. Lauren wasn’t interested and quite within her rights, she soundly refused. Alana was usually a fairly mild mannered child, but I could see the tantrum brewing and she was about to cause a serious disruption. I did a quick negotiation with Lauren: “Hand over the blue pony now, and when we get home they are both yours.” Lauren took only a second or two to recognize the value of this and gave Alana the blue pony. Crisis averted. This wasn’t the moment to teach about sharing, or fairness. This was game time. Get off that plane intact. If we had been at home I may have handled it quite differently. It is absurd to think that you will handle a tantrum in the middle of a crowded public area the same way you would in your home. Home field advantage???

If the warning signs are clear, by all means, do your best to ward off an impending meltdown. However, once your child has already entered the meltdown zone, it is time to change tactics.

There is a popular parenting book that counsels parents to get down on the child’s level and loudly evoke their inner caveman by chanting “You are mad, you are mad, you are mad mad mad!”

If you see a parent engaging in this, it is tough not to roll your eyes a little bit, but the premise is actually a solid one. When your kid is having a tantrum, acknowledging that you are trying to understand what is going on in the first step.“You seem mad, sad, frustrated etc” may be exactly what your child needs to hear.

Think about it this way, if you told me that you have a headache and I responded by discussing the weather, it would not be very satisfying. Distraction is all well and good, but not until they get it that you are trying to understand what has them so upset. Validating a feeling is not the same thing as giving in to an unreasonable request.

If they are seriously out of control, try to hold them close, get them on your lap and wrap your arms around them so that they can’t thrash around. Make shushing noises. Keep it simple. This is not the time for lots of words. Those come later.

Preventing the meltdown in the first place is obviously preferable.

Okay, maybe it’s unrealistic to completely eliminate them, so perhaps the goal is to just lessen the occurrences.

When you are dealing with frequent tantrums, see if you can figure out what is setting them off. Look for patterns.

Do they need food?

Many parents realize that kids get more fragile when they are getting hungry. Try having little snacks on hand and pay attention to any cues that give a hint that things are about to head south.

Are they tired?

If tantrums are frequent, you need to examine your child’s nap/sleep schedule. Make sure that they have adequate Iron and Vitamin D intake; both of those can impact mood and sleep.

Are they frustrated by something?

Here is where the coaching in advance comes in. Remind them of some tools that they might be able to call on.

For kids over 3, see if they can recognize their own warning signs before losing control. This is a tool that will serve them so well for their entire life. Perhaps create a song together that they can sing when they are approaching a tantrum stage. Mr. Rogers has a song about dealing with mad feelings:

What Do You Do with the Mad that You Feel?

Any time that you see your child get calm without losing control give them loads of positive feedback.

Problem Solving

Problem solving activities can be the ‘monday morning Quarterback’ after a situation has happened.

Don’t attempt this if they are tired, hungry or simply not in the mood.

Effective coaching only happens when you have a calm moment, talk about what went wrong. See if they can help plan a better way to deal with it the next time.

Step one is always identifying the problem. Break it down to a small but manageable issue. Rather than the diffuse “fighting with sister”, get down to a very specific issue, such as “sister won’t share the yellow crayon.”

Step Two is talking about some choices one might have in that situation. Some are good choices, others not so much. They all make it to the list. Adding a silly one is just fine and makes this feel more like a game. Choices could include:

• Using a different color;

• Using words and asking sister nicely to share (may need to wait a minute for her to finish coloring her own yellow parts.)

• Asking a grown up for help;

• Start screaming;

• Grabbing the crayon;

• Draw a frowning face on your hand with a black crayon;

• Use your “walking away power” and take some deep breaths.

Hopefully with some gentle guidance they can identify the more positive choices on the list.

Problem solving exercises are very empowering for your child. The age range for when kids are able to take part in these is fairly variable, but they will all get there.

Kids can also get a lot out of a well told story. Create two little children that you can tell tales about. They are the same age as yours, with very similar family circumstances. One tends to make good choices and the other also gets into trouble often. Allow your child to chime in and talk about why these other children had a tantrum and what they ended up doing about it. Kids do much better talking about these very relatable characters than they do about their own actions. Once they come up with a plan for the made up child, you can bring it back around; “Maybe you could try that also.”

Even the best kids have occasional meltdowns. Do NOT let your kids beat up on you. This might be the time for you to calmly use your own,”walking away power” if you are able to do so safely. This is a good message and a good consequence. Later on you can talk about how you are choosing not to stay in a situation where you might get hurt. Typically, kids are looking for some attention. You leaving the room is rarely the action they were going for.

All tantrums can be turned into learning experiences for you and your child. Stay calm and be consistent.

During a recent visit with the kids, I got to brush off some of these tactics that I haven’t needed in quite awhile.

I was able to avert a tantrum shockingly well.

Coby, using drawer handles as a ladder, managed to scale up the bathroom cabinets to reach a tall counter where the medicines were kept. Spiderman watch out. I was fascinated and a bit awed by his climbing abilities. I was making a mental note to warn Lauren and Adam that it’s time to store medications in a safer place.

Coby had achieved his target, took hold of the tylenol and informed me that he was going to have some of the ‘chewing’ medicine. I removed the bottle from his possession and informed him right back that alas, he wasn’t able to have some.

I could see the tantrum brewing. He started to yell, but then actually stopped, mid squawk when I said loudly, “YOU REALLY WANT THAT MEDICINE”.

In a sad but calm voice he said, “Yes”

I was able to tell him we would ask his mommy later. A bit of distraction and we moved along.

Full disclosure, Lauren says that doesn’t always work with him, but it is certainly worth a try!

She usually finds the ‘walking away power’ to be the most effective. Coby pathetically chases after her almost immediately. “I want to say ‘sorry’. I need a hug”

It is fascinating how different kids and their temperaments are. Thankfully 5 year old Elliot can go a long stretch in between meltdowns, but lord have mercy, when he is mad about something, he runs head first into the red zone with no intention of getting out of it until it is fully on his terms.

Lauren and Adam tried every approach under the sun with him, including all the gentle parenting techniques — they validated his feelings while setting boundaries around screaming and aggression, they tried to sit with him and wait it out, they offered dozens of unique ways to sneak some deep breaths in, and nothing worked with him.

The only thing that eventually got EJ out of these zones was the ultimate bluff — Lauren and Adam concocted a mythical babysitter named ‘Kevin’. If screaming and thrashing continued, mommy and daddy would have no choice other than taking him over to Kevin’s house.

They framed it as their version of walking away power: “if anyone is ever yelling at you like this or trying to hurt you, we hope that you leave that situation and go someplace safe. When you are screaming at us and trying to use your body to hurt us, we are not okay with this and are using our walking away power. You can hang out with Kevin and play with him until you find your calm with us.”

They made it very clear that Kevin is not a punishment — he is a very fun babysitter with lots of great toys and good snacks. Several times they went so far as to put EJ in the car and drive to ‘Kevin’s house’ (he very conveniently lives nearby to wherever they might be). Once parked outside, they would ask EJ if he was ready to find his calm, and thankfully he always was, and never actually called their bluff.

Likely you all have quite a bit or ‘trial and error’ opportunities to see what works best for yours.

And later… When you can find your sense of humor, jot down what set them off. Gasoline balloons anybody?

You will all get a kick out of it in a few years.

Thank you to Sawyer for being my model.. This was the trifecta: tired, hungry and jet-lagged!