In August 2024, Surgeon General, Dr. Vivek Murthy, issued an advisory on the mental wellbeing of parents. The report, Parents Under Pressure, shares that caregivers and parents are experiencing elevated levels of stress.
Really? Parenting is stressful? This comes as little surprise to those who are dealing with bedtimes, mealtimes, tantrums etc.
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For those who do not have the bandwidth to read the entire advisory, it goes on to say that one-third of parents with children under 18 rate their stress level as 8 or higher on a 10-point scale, according to psychological association data. Two-fifths of parents report being “so stressed they feel numb.” Three-fifths say stress makes it hard to focus. Two-thirds are consumed by money problems.
In every case, parents report markedly higher rates of stress than non-parents.
Background
So what is the benefit of spotlighting parental stress? Does pointing it out just add more stress? Actually, if shining a light on it might help us identify some potential action items, we think it is worthwhile.
The Parents under Pressure report places some of the blame on something called intensive parenting, which is what today’s post is about.
Intensive parenting is an ideology that parents’ emotion, energy, time, and money should be focused on their children (Hays, 1996). It is suggested that this has been a major strategy of parenting in many developed countries.
How did we get here?
Everything makes more sense with a little context, and the pendulum always swings just as far in the opposite direction. In this case, the pendulum we are discussing is parenting styles. Intensive parenting is closer to one edge of the spectrum.
On the other extreme, in 1945 Rene Spitz found that children in homes and hospitals that were deprived of touch and emotional contact were caught in debilitating grief. This is where Spitz coined the term “Failure to Thrive (FTT) “Such babies were deprived of 'maternal care, maternal stimulation, and maternal love” (What Do Babies Need to Thrive? Changing Interpretations of 'Hospitalism' in an International Context, 1900-1945).
Then psychologists John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth weaved together decades of conjoined research to establish Attachment Theory. In short, intensive parenting “appears” to be the answer to avoid raising children who are emotionally starved, failing to thrive, or at risk of becoming insecurely, or avoidantly attached. Looking more closely we now know that there needs to be a middle ground that doesn’t require choosing between parental burnout or thriving children. Both are possible! (Here is something to watch with more about Secure Attachment).
Recognizing Intensive Parenting
We understand, of course, that there is no way to eliminate all parental stress, but if you can recognize if you’ve swung too far into intensive parenting, this can be one component of the issue. Let's take a closer look at intensive parenting and see if you can relate.
Take a moment and internally answer a few true/false questions.
Women are inherently better/more natural at parenting than men.
Parenting should be fulfilling and a delight.
Children should be cognitively and intellectually stimulated by their parents.
Parenting is difficult and the most demanding job.
Parents should prioritize the needs of the child above everything else.
More “yes’s” than “no’s” (three or more out of five) are indicative of this existential intensive parenting culture that is rampantly informing parenting behavior, cultural norms, and policy in our country.
Some intensive parenting behavior is driven by social media (clicking this link will either make you laugh or cry). That is something parents 40 years ago didn’t have to deal with. To be fair, parents were playing the ‘look what my kid can do” and “you aren’t doing that right” game, long before Instagram came along.
But social media can’t be classified as something that is necessarily bad. Many parents get valuable insight, great little tips and support from some sites. Parenting can be very isolating so if positive connections can be found, we wouldn't want to take that away.
On the other hand, social media can also be a megaphone for misinformation as well as feeling judged and inadequate. The key is trying to figure out if something is making you feel good or bad. It’s not always easy to identify.
My daughter Alana, a mental health therapist puts it this way to her clients. If you had a gas tank, is this thing adding gas to your tank or siphoning it away?
And if it’s draining your tank, take steps to remove it from your orbit. Give yourself permission to “unfollow” or “mute” those accounts when you find them.
Another extreme consequence of Intensive Parenting
Intensive parenting potentially teaches kids that they have unlimited power. When parents are constantly tending to their every whim past developmental necessity, providing stimulation, comfort, etc., children don’t have to learn to problem solve. One classic example of this is the parent who steps in at the first “I’m bored” to become the head of the entertainment committee. Another is when you become a short-order chef for your 2-year-old.
While we want your child to have a sense of empowerment, the most authentic way for them to get that is by achieving some things on their own.
I would go out on a limb and say that where effective parenting is concerned, it should be very clear that you are ultimately in charge. Not the three year old who really wants to see how many tennis balls fit in the toilet. Parents sometimes need a gentle reminder of this.
What can you do to combat Intensive Parenting?
The Surgeon General’s advisory urges a societal shift to recognize and support parents’ mental health needs, and frames this as crucial to family and community health. Realistically, massive societal change is not immediately in your power. We need to start at the level where the agency lives, which is in your mindset, and behaviors.
Sometimes restructuring things just a bit can make a difference.
Brittany addresses this in her work with parents and families. She spends a significant amount of time trying to convince parents that their self-care is not harming their children, and it is essential to their child’s present health and future development. There is a toxic message hidden within the intensive parenting ideology that parents' needs are less important than those of their children. Parents need sleep, healthy food, adult social stimulation, alone time, exercise, and play. When parents prioritize these things for themselves, health naturally overflows to their children. Parents parent from a better place, and the family system is overall healthier and more resilient.
Here are her top actionable steps she gives parents:
Minimize digital toxins, i.e. social media that is rigid or not supportive. Try turning those alerts off so that you can better control when and how much you “see.” It’s okay if you’re not the first to like that new post. Have boundaries on news consumption.
Maximize nutrition. Eat enough protein, fruits and vegetables. A lot of parents are walking around “hangry” and malnourished.
Spend time in nature
Build a supportive in-person community. Sometimes that’s with individuals we share genes. Most often it’s found in our “framily.” This also means minimizing exposure to “energy vampires,” the people in your life that you find draining. This might unfortunately include close family members, at times.
Mindset is life. Connection above perfection! And her personal favorite, “this isn’t happening to me, this is just happening.”
There is a fear that stepping away from your responsibilities as a parent makes you selfish, or that your child and their development will suffer. We do not advocate going back in time to the 1940s, as above, and fully ignoring your child. As professionals, our experience is that your kids will turn out ok if you step back a little bit to take time for yourself. Better than ok…we find that parents who prioritize themselves can raise more holistic humans. Remember, you’re a role model. What do you want your kids to be like when it’s their turn to raise a family?
Concluding Thought…
Clearly, if you are among those who are feeling stressed out, you are not alone. Here is an old post from Nurse Judy that lists some more action items you can take to ease things a bit
Sometimes being a parent is all consuming. It is easy enough to lose sight of who you are once you take off your mommy or daddy hat. We suggest making a concerted effort to have some time for yourself and as well as your partnership. This benefits everyone in the family. You get to see that your kid survives without your 24/7 attention.
Since financial stress is a real thing for many people there are creative ways to work around that. If you have friends with kids, take turns establishing a babysitting schedule where you can alternate helping each other out. Dates don’t need to be expensive. A picnic, a candlelight bath (remove the rubber ducks…or not), a romantic walk, a prolonged foot rub are great options.
Remember, more is often caught than taught when it comes to children, so it’s never too early to set a good example.
This post was a collaborative effort between Dr. Ted, Brittany Williams MAMFT, and Nurse Judy
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