Hitting/Biting/Kicking

 

If your child has never hit, kicked or bitten anyone, I say….what? Are you sure?? I can not begin to count how many calls I have fielded about these behaviors. Biting tends to elicit more of a visceral response, but it is hard to see your sweet little one do any of the above. When parents get ‘that call’, to be honest, I haven’t yet figured out if it is worse to be the parent of the biter or the victim. Or maybe your child bit you?! In any event, it’s upsetting. In the moment: Make sure everyone is safe. This includes the ‘victim’ as well as the ‘aggressor’. Remember they both may be having a hard time and need help. Tend to any injuries. I need to point out that human bites can get infected rather easily, so if a bite breaks the skin it is worth having it evaluated by your doctor. Arnica is good for little bumps and bruises. A cute kid friendly ice pack makes almost anything feel better Now let's see if you can figure out what is causing the behavior. If the biter is young, often they are just exploring. Check to see if they are teething. Offer them cold things to chomp on. A mesh teething bag filled with a cold piece of fruit feels great to their sore gums. Kids often test limits to see what they can get away with. That is very normal behavior. Having every adult show consistent responses is SO important. Kids need to know the rules. Gentle hands when touching people or animals…Always! It is not okay to bite another person or animal...Ever! Many kids hit/bite/kick in their quest of attention.   Behaviors fall into one of three categories.  Those you want to see more of Those you want to see less of Those that are dangerous, or can hurt someone and require you to take immediate action to protect people or property. Hitting, kicking, biting etc...usually fall into the third category. If a child is overtired, or hungry it is going to be harder for them to regulate their emotions. But kids get mad, sad or frustrated even if they haven’t missed a snack. There are things you can do in advance Make sure that your little ones understand the difference between gentle and rough.  This is something that should be taught. Demonstrate what soft and gentle feels like. If your child is going through a phase where they are quick to hit, bite or be rough, the adult in charge should watch closely for warning signs and redirect or distract before they have a chance to act out. Julie King, co-author of How To Talk So Little Kids Will Listen, suggests acknowledging the child's feelings that might give rise to these behaviors. You might say, "It's frustrating when baby knocks over your toys. It's hard not to push her! I'm moving you farther away, so that doesn't happen." Letting them know that you can see that they are going through something difficult is often the first step in diffusing the situation. Julie also points out that there is a subtle but important difference between: It's frustrating when……. and You are frustrated that….. Try empathizing rather than labeling. After an incident, If they are old enough to do some reasoning, have your kids help you come up with solutions for dealing with or preventing a similar situation from happening again. The key is making opportunities to teach your kids how to manage difficult feelings, and then how to resolve conflicts. Do they need help, or practice, learning how to wait? Try to find ways to give them (positive) attention, so they don't resort to these less acceptable strategies Find quiet moments to work on these skills and make it a game. This will give them tools so that when stressful situations arise, at some point they will be able to react in a way that doesn’t include whacking someone in the head. (When they succeed, make sure you let them know that you approve and give them a big high five.) Another activity is to do a deep dive into all different feelings. Remember that all emotions are valid. To quote Mr. Rogers, “anything mentionable is manageable.” Talk about activities that can make some of the hard feelings feel a bit easier. I have a list of things you can put in your destress/calm down tool kit in this link, including making sure that you have a comfy corner where they can sit with a stuffed animal and some fidget toys where they can calm down. Read books about how hands are not for hitting. Watch some videos (don’t be afraid using some screen time) Hands Are for Helping Video,  What Shall We do with the Angry Monster? ,  What is Anger? As you watch these videos with your children (aka co-viewing)it is important to talk about what is happening. Ask how your child thinks the characters are feeling. How do they feel about the alternative behavior? If you can even bring in one of their real life scenarios that increases the relatability for the child.  Give kids plenty of opportunity to do sanctioned ways to have physical activity. Do they feel like hitting? Here is a pillow Do they feel like throwing something? By all means, find something soft that they can throw. Have a sign for ‘pause’. If you practice this enough it can come in handy. What about when kids start hitting themselves? It is actually not that different. Repeat the mantra “We only use gentle hands on people and animals” Gently hold their hands to stop them from hurting themselves A list of random tips and thoughts Do NOT let your kids beat you up. I'm serious. I have witnessed parents just sitting there as their kids repeatedly try to smack them. The message has to be consistent. It is Never okay to hit. This includes you (no matter how guilty you are feeling about something). If they are being too rough, remind them to be gentle. If they don’t listen (assuming you are in a safe place), use your ‘walking away power’ This means getting up and moving to a safe space. This is generally NOT the response they are going for. 30 seconds is often all you need. Avoid exposure to violence on tv or computer If the problem behavior is happening at school, make sure that you and the teachers/daycare providers are all on the same page. It is important for kids to get a consistent message. If your child is under 7, yours might be the exception, but their concept of honesty is still pretty shaky. If you ask them directly what happened, many kids are going to try to pick the answer that will get them into the least amount of trouble. The actual truth doesn’t usually factor too heavily into the equation. Other kids can actually start believing their own stories. This does not mean they will grow up to be pathological liars! If your child bites. It does not mean your child is an evil cannibal. Because these situations can bring up many emotions in the parents, I asked Brittany Williams, Oath’s founding Mental Health therapist, to weigh in. Take a second and be self-reflective and see how you feel and move through difficult uncomfortable emotions and situations. By doing this you can more clearly see your own humanity and as such build empathy for your child’s behavior. After all, we’re all human beings doing the best we can with what we have available to us at every moment.  A giant thank you to Julie King for allowing me to pick her brain on this topic! If you'd like more practice addressing challenging behaviors, and a place to get answers to your specific questions, see below for Julie's upcoming online, interactive workshops, or check out her website, julieking.org.