Attention/Parenting Pearl

Attention Let me start by making a claim that most people, at least subconsciously, appreciate attention. I am not talking about public speaking or being on stage. I am referring to something more basic, like validation or acknowledgment. If you are an attentive reader, some of these concepts will be familiar to you from previous posts.  Think about it; certain tasks are simply drudgery. Cooking dinner for an apathetic family who doesn’t appreciate the effort is not fun at all, but if you were met with a resounding YUM and Thank You (and they actually eat it and ask for seconds) it makes the whole experience more enjoyable Perhaps even laundry would be fun if someone routinely pointed out how white your whites are (full disclosure, I can turn anything pink and shrink it in the process.) I remember a young patient who was in for a cough. He slipped sideways on the exam table after a little coughing fit and got a little startled. He was on the verge of bursting into tears. I reacted with a big “look at that! You coughed so hard that it made you fall over!” He grinned at me, sat up..coughed again and purposefully fell over again. I laughed and we had established a pattern. I don’t know how long we could have kept that up, but I was going to tire of it long before he did. Cough Cough/ Fall over/Look how funny you are……. I stopped reacting. He did it several more times and when he realized I was no longer paying attention to it, he simply stopped. Attention is a powerful tool. Can you think of some patterns that you have established? The one with my little coughing friend caught on in a moment. Some of the patterns in your life have been ingrained for quite a while and it might take a bit more effort to rewrite the script. This drive for attention doesn’t fade with age. For most kids (and some adults) attention equals attention, and we often don’t differentiate between positive or negative. Some kids will do their best to elicit a reaction, even if that reaction is yelling. Assuming you are willing to accept the premise that we can use attention as a means to encourage good behavior and discourage what my kids daycare provider used to call the ‘inconvenient’ behavior, the next step is to consider how to do this. Let's divide behaviors into 3 categories. Behaviors we like and want to see more of Behaviors we don’t like and we want to see less of Dangerous behaviors that need to be dealt with immediately Encourage positive behavior Catch them being good! By no means am I suggesting that every little good deed needs to be showered with praise. Find a balance and use some common sense. The Nurtured Heart is a well studied approach currently being used by many mental health professionals and therapists. Showing your child plenty of positive energy and attention can promote what they refer to as the ‘inner wealth,’ which is essential for children to build successful relationships. You are not going to spoil them by giving them attention. https://childrenssuccessfoundation.com/about-nurtured-heart-approach/ Okay, if you have one of those days where the good behavior is nowhere to be found, then catch them trying to be good. A good effort is the first step. Take picky eaters and meal times. Give positive attention when you have a child who is sitting nicely at the table: I like that you tried something new (even if it is just a bite and they don’t even swallow it) Look at how Max is safely eating. He is chewing and swallowing instead of shoving food in his mouth. That makes me happy. Wow, You are eating nice growing food. Let me feel your muscles. When they are doing something that you like to see, let them know that you notice. Having them hear you telling someone else that you are proud of something they did counts. It is worth noting that giving attention to another child in the room can be pretty effective. “Look at how Oliver tries new things.” Wait a moment and you might get “Hey look, I am trying it also.” (You can’t count on that; Nurse Heidi says that her younger one would simply give a “good for him, I couldn’t care less") Keep in mind that you are not simply doing the “good girl” or "good boy" stuff. You are paying attention to the action. Try to discourage annoying behavior Nagging or raising your voice in response to an irritating behavior is giving the attention that they crave. The more often we energize these negatives by paying attention to them, the more kids will keep trying to push your buttons. They have figured out how to get a rise out of you and will likely continue to do so as long as it works. Contemplate some situations where you get caught in a nagging cycle. We may be able to affirmatively impact behaviors by being very intentional about what situations we validate or energize. Our goal should be that our kids are getting get more attention for the good behaviors than they do for the annoying ones. It is hard not to energize these things, but try. We want to make every effort not to fuel the challenging behaviors by giving them too much response. So many kids have realized that they can make parents nuts by NOT eating. Put food on the plate. (Small amounts are better and not as wasteful) If they don’t eat much, don’t fuss. If you like you can make a statement “ I see a little girl who is not eating.” If they toss food or throw a plate, pick it up and simply say, "throwing food means you are finished with this meal". If you think they are actually hungry, you can offer another chance in 10 minutes. Be consistent. It might be 15 times of you taking the food away before they get that you mean business. If they will only eat that one favorite food, have it available with little comment. Remember the attention is given when they are willing to eat something else. Whining is another issue that can make us all a little nuts. This is the classic example of irritating but not dangerous.Take advantage of the rare miracle when they ask for something without the tone and pounce on it. “I love how you asked for that without whining!!!” How about interrupting when you are on the phone? See if you can catch them being patient. Have a “test” conversation that lasts 15 seconds (you don’t actually have to have a live person on the other end of the call.) Give your patient child a big high five for not interrupting. Work on making the “patience interval” longer and longer. “Hey I really like the way you waited until I was off the phone, that makes me happy.” For the interrupting child just hold up your hand; when you are off the phone you can calmly say, “ I am now off the phone, how can I help you". It is helpful for many kids to be clear about the rules before the phone call. You might want to have a family “team meeting” to problem solve a specific issue. Telephone interrupting is a easy one to work on. Clarify the expectation that they won’t interrupt. Have a “practice week” that will have rewards for patience and consequences for interrupting. The team can decide in advance what these would be. Tech time is a useful commodity. Start with the basic daily allotment. Rewards add a certain amount of time, and consequences lose time. Have a special word that they can use if they feel that what they have to say is so important that it can’t wait. (for the “I need to poop right now and I can’t unbutton my pants”, it might be worth getting off the call!) Defining the consequences for certain behaviors ahead of time is important so that if that behavior occurs, your child already knows what the possible responses may be. By doing this, you don’t have to “ignore” your child, but you also don’t have to energize the behavior. When the annoying behavior happens, sometimes it can be as simple as saying “we’ve talked about this before. Let’s calm down first, and then we can remember what our rules are so that we do better with this the next time.” A dangerous behavior would be one that could get someone injured. That requires an immediate intervention or time out. (I will tackle with that issue for a future post)