Time out variations/behaviors that 'cross the line'

To recap last week’s post: behaviors can be sorted into three categories: Good stuff that we want to encourage Annoying stuff that we want to discourage Actions (usually bad stuff) that require immediate attention or intervention Last week I wrote about catching kids being good and ignoring the irritating behaviors. (Attention/Parenting Pearls) Several parents sent me requests to address category 3 sooner than later. Parents and caregivers need to be prepared to deal swiftly with the more challenging behaviors. I am referring to the actions that cross the line. This would include anything that is safety related. It is beneficial for parents to think about these types of things before they happen. Maybe you will be lucky and won’t ever need to be the parent of the biter, but it never hurts to be prepared. This is a good “what would I do if?” activity for parents. Let us begin by replacing the concept of punishment with consequence: If you act a certain way________________the consequence will be__________ Load your arsenal with your sensible consequences ahead of time. Being consistent is essential. All the folks who parent your child need to be on the same page I like to use sports analogies and in this case let's consider hockey. When a player gets out of line, they are moved to the penalty box for a designated amount of time. When the time is up, they are allowed to return to the ice and all is forgiven. The player essentially just had a time out. The goal of a time out should be removing the person from a situation that got out of hand. A timeout is not a time for discussion; that comes later. Here is what makes the time out that I recommend a little different. This ‘chill out session’ can actually happen right on your lap. Find a name for this ‘time out’ period that works for you. Maybe ‘breathing space’. Maybe ‘reset time’. You are a safe place, but stop short of making your cozy lap the goal. This isn’t the time to sing and give a back massage. Some quiet counting and some nice deep breaths are all they should get. This could happen anywhere where you can sit down and hold your child close. You actually likely have a timer in your pocket. Most cell phones have an hourglass app that you can download for free. This period doesn’t need to be long. Some experts suggest that it be a minute per age, but I have a suggestion. Ask your child how long the session should be (this is very effective for some kids and absolutely ludicrous for others.) “You hit your sister. How long do you think we need to reset, 1 minute 2 minutes or 3 minutes?" We can’t anticipate everything of course, but here are some common behaviors that merit a reaction. Being physically rough This gets an immediate version of the ‘time out’ that you have chosen. (We get calls about biting quite a lot. I frankly don’t know which is worse, being the parent of the biter or the child that got bitten. Both are difficult. Separate the kids immediately. If you have the luxury of 2 adults, one can tend to the victim and the other can sit with the offender. Human bites can get easily infected, so if there is broken skin, they should get checked by a doctor.) We had a situation once in which Lauren came running and crying. "Alana bit me". "Alana, Why did you bite your sister?" "I forgot not to" was the response. Sometimes we laugh even though it is probably not the correct thing to do. Once they have been ‘reset’ they need to earn the privilege of close contact with the other person. They can go back to playing nearby but not in touching distance. “When I trust that no one will get hurt, you can play closer” If they act out physically to you and you are in a circumstance that allows for it, walk away. Don’t let your child abuse you. Use your own ‘walking away power’. Go out of the room and close the door for a moment. Make sure you are out of their line of sight.That is generally not the response they are looking for. Later, find a moment when everyone is calm and talk about what happened. Talking points: You weren’t gentle. What feelings were happening? Mad/ sad/ bored? It is fine if they don’t choose to pick one. What are some other choices that might have been better? Using words/using walking away power/ asking a grown up for help... Running off This is a safety issue. I don’t like to see kids on leashes, but we all understand the frustration that must have lead to that decision. Know the rules ahead of time. For instance, we hold hands when we cross the street. A child who is at risk of running off without listening, has lost the privilege of walking without being held on to. Perhaps they need to be strapped into a stroller until you are in a safe area. This is a behavior that you need to work on in more controlled situations. Find some parks with gates, so it isn’t actually dangerous if they don’t listen. When you are practicing this, it is probably useful if you have an extra adult on hand, especially if you have more than one child with you. Find an opportunity to play a freeze game, or red light, green light, so that they can learn to stop at your command. Give lots of positive attention when it is merited. Going to an off limit area. (Think wires, hot stove, climbing inappropriately..) Do some reasonable child proofing in advance to make sure your home is as safe as possible. Blocking access to every wire isn’t usually possible so training a child that there are some places that are off limits is important. Be consistent and move the child away immediately. It might take a dozen times. If they are willfully defiant, I don’t believe in 3 strikes. That implies that they have 2 chances to ignore you. Be clear; “The next time you touch the wire we will need to ‘reset’. Throwing things That’s an easy one. Take it away. If they throw something that isn’t sanctioned, they lose it. When everyone is calm, you can decide when they have another chance. Perhaps have something soft and safe that you can offer in its place. “I see a little boy who wants to throw something. Someone could get hurt or something might get damaged. Lets see if you can play with this instead.” Here is a real life example of a child crossing a line and how it was dealt with: In my parenting class I tell the story of one of my daughter's friend Anya. She is one of my extra kids. For several years, Anya was working as a nanny. Any family would have felt like they won the lottery to have her helping them raise their kids. Anya took “firm but loving” to heart. One day, she was at a class with her little 2 year old charge. This was a little dance class at a multi purpose community room. In a corner by the stage there was a pile of martial art equipment. Anya was clear. “Don’t go near that pile”. Her little toddler was feeling a bit defiant that day and went right over like a dare and tried to touch one of the off limit objects. Anya calmly picked her up, removed her from the danger zone and back to the dancing group. The little toddler went right back over. This repeated several more times. Finally Anya picked her up and this time they left the room completely. Little B was at this point kicking and screaming. “When you are calm we can go back to the dance class, but if you go near that pile we will leave again.” This process took up most of the class time, but I think that for the last several minutes they were able to rejoin the class and finished up happily dancing. B had learned a lesson. (When Anya told me about this, she also mentioned that some of the parents observing all of this commented that it seemed a bit hard on B that she carried her out of the room. Really? I would give her an A+) Have you ever gotten towed? It’s horrible, but what is worst is that once you have paid the $$$ to collect your car, you find a ticket on the windshield. You are going to be careful in the future that it never happens again. The Timeouts are the initial tow. Some behaviors now have also earned the ‘ticket.' Try to find a consequence that makes sense. For kids over 3, using tech time as a commodity works well. They start with a daily allotment with opportunities to increase it within reason. Poor behavior docks some of the time away. Maybe a special outing gets cancelled. “You are not listening when I tell you to stop running. I don’t feel safe going to the park.” DO NOT make the consequence so big that you are not going to stick to it. No TV or play-dates for a month is just silly. I can't help hearing, "No soup for you!" (That is a Seinfeld reference for any of you too young to know what I am referring to) Do not let one parent undermine the other. Talk in advance as a team, or wait to pass judgement and come down with the sentence as soon as you are able to come to an agreement. Here are some parenting tools to use before or after an incident: Look for the triggers. Prevention is preferable to having to deal with something. If you see something about to happen, take some prophylactic step. Are kids starting to bicker? Perhaps it is time to give a snack, distract and/or separate. Tell stories about another child who crossed a line with their behavior.What were some of the consequences? Get out the stuffed animals and do a little playing. Your child is the parent and you are the misbehaving critter. Walking away power is a great choice if anyone is in a situation that is making them feel unsafe. If they are with a friend who gets mad and hits, getting up and leaving is a better choice than hitting back. Taking deep breaths is often a good way to slow down. Share the wisdom with your child that everybody makes mistakes and we can all learn from them. This post has the most relevance for parents with younger kids. For my patient readers who have older kids and still took the time to read this through, I haven’t forgotten about you. I will do a post dealing with teen consequences sometime soon.