No matter how strong the relationship you have with your parents or inlaws, many new parents struggle with boundaries once the baby comes along. Maryellen Mullin, local therapist and relationship expert, advises that ideally you start developing clear guidelines with your parents and in-laws long before you are ‘panting and blowing’. In even the easiest relationships, having some clear communication with family members ahead of the arrival of the baby can be very helpful. In my case, I know that we were so fortunate in the grandparent department. Neither of our families were local. My mother in law did the first shift for us. This was her first grandchild and she was more than ready. Aside from some tears shed when Nanya inadvertently left some expressed breastmilk (more precious than gold) out of the fridge, we forged a deep bond over the mutual love for the baby. We had always gotten along just fine, but this took us into new territory and we never looked back. My MIL had chosen to be Granny, but Lauren pronounced that as Nanya, and that’s what stuck. My mom came out next. She already had her Grandma name and was called Oogie (a story for another time!) I will never forget all these years later that she gave us the gift of being on duty during the nights. For the two weeks that she stayed with us, I would nurse and then she would collect Lauren and go downstairs to watch the news, peppered with reruns of I Love Lucy or whatever was on at 2 am. Not everyone is so lucky. Some don’t seem willing to offer any assistance. Some live far away and can’t be with you. Some are physically unable to help. Some are helpful, but overstay their welcome. At some point the time comes when the new family is ready to see what it feels like to just be on their own. Some are deeply connected. Some are estranged, but trying to reconnect. No family is exactly the same. Alas, frankly, some family members are toxic, and a new baby in the equation is not going to be able to fix that. Examine complicated feelings It’s not uncommon for the adults to watch their parents, who never seemed to have enough time for them when they were growing up, suddenly be a source of unlimited support and affection to the baby. It is hard not to listen to the the little voice inside, saying ‘wait a minute” that’s not fair.” Remember that grandparents are usually at a different phase of life now. Also, as Maryellen points out, Sometimes grandparents LEARN from their mistakes, but often, can't communicate that with adult kids. They try harder with little ones at times, and just want to be loved. Like all of us do. In the case of my mother-in-law, when her adult children would point out all of the mistakes she had made as a mother, I didn’t allow that to factor into this equation. She was a WONDERFUL grandmother, and my children were extraordinarily blessed with all the effort she made into building her relationships with them. Here is some suggestions for the grandparents out there. Giving advice There are SO many opinions out there about every element of parenting. Sleep, feeding, how much can the baby be held? Ask a question and get 100 different answers. Let them know that your advice is there for the asking, if they want it. No hard feelings if they don’t. Trust me, I know this isn’t necessarily easy. Of course you have plenty of wisdom and experience under your belt, but it isn’t your turn at bat. Please don’t tell them that they are doing things wrong. They are in the process of figuring things out. Also be aware that some things have indeed changed. If you are like me, when our kids were little, they slept on their tummies in a crib full of stuffed animals. Recommendations have evolved. Please don’t get in the middle and make the parents feel the need to take sides. They need to learn how to work together as a unit, not to get into arguments about sparing your feelings. (For the new mom and dad, it’s fascinating how often suggestions from your parents have the potential to turn you into a teenager again. Take a breath and try to resist the knee jerk reaction to dismiss anything they say out of hand. Sometimes they know what they are talking about.) Helping out The new parents are likely exhausted. New mom is dealing with hormone shifts and a battered body. Find out what kind of support she needs and then offer it. It might be as simple as making sure she is eating and drinking. I find it useful to put the assistance into one of 3 categories. One: Full body yes! This is not a favor. You are thrilled and delighted to be spending time with the new family, doing anything you can to help…including lots of baby snuggles. Some grandparents have been waiting a long long time for this! Two: Happy to help as needed Three: Willing to do anything that is needed in case of emergency This system has been useful for my daughter and I because it makes everything very clear. She still doesn’t love needing help, but trusts the “full body yes” when it’s offered. Helping out also mean no judgment. If you notice dishes in the sink? Wash them! Is there laundry piling up? Do it! The only adults who are welcome in the house with a baby need to be ready to pitch in. Rules This doesn’t usually become a consideration until the kids are a little bit older. Grandparents may like to spoil their grandkids, but it is NOT okay to ignore or undermine the parents wishes. Common issues are often over diet and screen time and schedule. Maybe there is wiggle room with some treats or extra screen time (within reason) but talk about it. See if you can negotiate some compromise. Maybe the nap doesn’t have to happen at exactly the same time when Grandma is on duty. Heads up - telling your grandchild that the extra cookie is a secret and they shouldn’t tell mom or dad is NOT okay for so many reasons and will surely come back to bite you. Social Media Check with the parents to see if they have any limits on social media BEFORE you post any photos. Parents: Before you give this a hard no, see if you are willing to let your parents show off the occasional photo. Again, no sneaking around; don’t wreck your trust over this. Parents get the final word! Please get vaccinated Anyone who is going to be around an infant should make sure they have had at least one TDaP as an adult. The T stands for tetanus, Plenty of people don’t even have a clue when they had their last tetanus shot, so this will be a great way to remember when your most recent shot got done! All adults should also get the flu shot, and ideally the covid vaccine. If for some reason grandparents are reluctant to get vaccinated, that is certainly their right. But the new parents also have rights. If they are listening to me they will ensure that anyone who spends significant time around the infant during those first vulnerable weeks is either vaccinated or is willing to wear a mask. In any case, anyone, vaccinated or not, who has any signs of illness should avoid being near the new baby. Essential conversations One of the core members of the Oath team shared a story. While she was still pregnant with her first child her mom had an important talk with her. This wise grandma-to-be gave her daughter permission to set whatever boundaries the new mom felt needed to be set, and shared that she herself never regretted barring her own difficult mom from visiting for the first month. She then asked her pregnant daughter to think about what things were most important to her during the rest of the pregnancy and after the baby arrived. She ended with an important piece of wisdom. She reminded her daughter to savor the upcoming time, because even though it would likely be challenging, there would be magic moments that she should capture in her memory because you can’t rewind and get this time back. I wish every mom-to-be could have that kind of frank conversations with both mom and mother-in-law. If possible carve out some special one on one time. Use this time for grandmas to share their own stories about what they remember about their first month postpartum. What worked, what didn’t work? Do they have a special piece of wisdom that has been handed down from their mom? Mom-to-be can talk through what the ideal support would look like. When the reality of the baby comes along, much of what you think you need can significantly shift. You have an opportunity here. Your support and choices now can pave the way to solid and positive relationships moving forward. If you are lucky, you can have some intergenerational magic, even in some cases that you never believed it possible. |
No comments:
Post a Comment