Lessons from my Mother

 

Yesterday was my mom’s birthday. I always miss her, but obviously I am thinking about her even more than usual this week. I also am spending the week in Pittsburgh with both of my sisters. Mom would be thrilled to have us all together. We have made a pact in advance not to talk politics, in order to keep the peace.

I would like to honor her memory on her birthday this week by refreshing this post that I wrote a few years ago, and pass along some of the life lessons that she taught her children, grandchildren, friends, and students.

Having a sense of humor is imperative.

Reach past the grumpy countenance to find the person behind it. My mom had a private little game: how long would it take to get on “kissing terms” (as she called it) with people she met? She was pretty hard to resist, and even the most sullen security guard at the bank would break out into a sunny smile when they saw her.

Take the time to reach out to people. Mom was a letter writer. She stayed in steady contact with older relatives and friends who were otherwise alone. If someone was ill, they would get a card or a call.

Take a moment to give positive feedback. So often people write notes to complain. My mom took the time to report a job well done. She had cancer in the last years of her life, and I remember going with her to her chemo appointment once when I was visiting home in Pittsburgh.

She was hugged by everyone we encountered and knew most of the people by name. She brought seeds from her garden to share. We were called back to get her blood drawn. The phlebotomist reached into her drawer to show me a letter that my mom had written to the facility, telling them how caring and skillful this woman was. She still had the letter, many years later.

The valet parker pulled out a similar letter when we went down to get the car. Those letters meant a great deal. The fact they had been kept, rather than tossed, speaks volumes.

Wonder about things. Mom was known far and wide for her storytelling ability. She could have a roomful of energetic kids quiet and hanging onto her words within a moment. If she saw something odd, like a pair of shoes left at the playground, it would be fodder for a story. How did those shoes get there? Who left in such a hurry -- and why? You don’t have to follow a script. Her stories would take random and unexpected turns. No story was ever the same. There was always an underlying theme of kindness.

You CAN teach an old dog new tricks. My younger sister is a National Park Ranger. My parents took full advantage and turned most of their vacations into opportunities to visit the parks where Amy was working. Mom was exceedingly proud that for her 60th birthday she got her first pair of hiking boots. Stay active. When she could no longer go for walks, she did chair yoga or got on her stationary bike.

Find a way to relax. She was a reader and read an assortment of genres, but she unashamedly plowed through the Harlequin romances. You know the ones with the shirtless, muscled, long haired Fabio types on the cover? Yep. Those. She always had one in her purse. I bought her a couple from her favorite author, and Amazon has never let me forget it. (if you ordered this, you also might like…..)

Be self aware and recognize your own needs. Mom was very social, but in her mid-adult years she realized that she needed to carve out some alone time. She became a morning person. She used to say that the dawn belonged to those who chose it. She relished her quiet time while the rest of us were still asleep.

Get involved. Mom was the block watch captain. Her front porch was a popular gathering spot. It is also no surprise that she was the girl scout and brownie troop leader. She also became the go-to accompanist, playing piano for all sorts of school shows. Well after her retirement, you could find her helping neighborhood kids with their reading skills.

Give your kids the opportunity to learn an instrument. Both of my parents were amateur musicians. I confess that I took it for granted that there was often chamber music going on in my living room. My mom thought that it was a special gift to play an instrument that could be part of an orchestra. I only learned piano. My older sister Marjie, played all sorts of things and sat next to my mom in the cello section for the local Gilbert and Sullivan troupe. (My dad sat right in front of them playing the violin.)

Have a family pet (say yes to the stray that finds you.) Unless there are horrible allergies, let your children grow up with the love of a pet. My childhood house had cats, birds, fish and gerbils. Marjie attracted strays like a magnet (and still does), and somehow they were allowed to stay.

Don’t be a pushover. If you see an issue, say something or do something about it. Yours might be the voice that ultimately makes the change happen. Potholes? Speed bumps? Mom wasn’t shy about taking her letter writing to her congressman or newspapers, and oh by the way, the congressman and the mayor?... Kissing terms!

Vote. It was ingrained in me early that you should never skip an election, regardless of how insignificant the issues might be. Our right to vote is sacrosanct. Some of my earliest memories are accompanying my parents to the voting booth. When she was no longer able to get out of the house, she had an absentee ballot.

Be kind to the earth. Mom was an avid gardener. Her favorite plants were her “silver dollar” money plants. She would pass out the seeds to anyone with a garden.

She also hated waste, She could spot potential treasure or art projects in the most mundane items. Egg crates, old calendars, etc. were never thrown away. My parents were recycling many years before it came into fashion. Of course this was a double edged sword when it was time to clear out the family home! There likely was an actual double edged sword in the basement...right next to the hoop skirt.

“Don’t be too hard on yourself.” She was never too worried about perfection. Giving a good effort, rather than a successful outcome, was what mattered. “It is what it is, and you do the best you can” is a motto that I continue to live by.

In that vein, mom herself was, of course, not perfect. She could hold a grudge like nobody’s business. I can still hear her saying “When I turn off, I turn off.” No more kissing terms for THEM.

In an interesting twist, this was just as important of a lesson as all of the others. From it, I learned the importance of forgiveness. Releasing all the negative energy is something I find essential.

Here is a lesson from me...turn the mad into sad, turn the anger into disappointment, bank any wisdom earned from the interaction, communicate as needed (or not), and then move on. It is my pleasure to forward her ripples of positive energy. The world is in dire need.

I asked my sisters, daughters and nieces to take a peek at this list to see if there was anything glaringly missing. Alana laughed out loud when she thought about the list she would have to make if she was creating her own “lessons from mom.” I did have a very specific collection of “strong suggestions” for my girls that had a very different flavor than the list above. My list included:

No getting on a reality tv show

No taking a job that requires the wearing of a humiliating hat

Don’t eat French onion soup on a first date

When you are driving, make sure to check your blind spots

Floss every day

And a few other easily R (X?) rated suggestions that are not suitable for sharing in this venue!

What would your kids have on their list of ‘wisdom from you?

Nurse Judy’s Substack is free. I have no current plans to add a payment option. But feel free to pass these along and share.

How is your Micro-World? Don't take the good stuff for granted.

 The sleep post that Dr. Ted and I are working on is a work in progress. It is going to be quite awhile before we are even close to wrapping it up. I do appreciate those of you who chimed in with sleep questions and wisdom.

In the meanwhile, I am going to shift my attention to a different topic..

It was my birthday this week.

For those of you who incorporate doing the Wordle as part of your daily routine, the answer for the word on my birthday was CURSE (thanks wordle, but I refuse to accept that. Nope. Not even close!

The world does seem to be full of horrible things. But there are fabulous things as well. The problem is that the horrible things are the ones that create most of the noise, capture our attention and of course, make the headlines. It is pretty easy to forget to notice the wonders that are around us.

It is hard to remember to find moments of joy when you are aware that so many people are having really difficult times. It is also human nature to not really pay attention to things that work the way they should. Like most people, I tend to notice when they are broken or not working.

It brought to mind a quick story of how we take things for granted.

Many years ago, I was walking our beloved golden retriever Java. This was when she was pretty young and exuberant. I was holding the leash in a very foolish manner and it was wrapped around my little finger. (Lesson to dog owners…don’t do that!) As we were going down some steep steps, Java started to pull me. She may have spotted a squirrel and she was off and running. As I jerked back to avoid being pulled down the stairs, my pinky snapped. Ouch indeed! Anyone who has suffered an injury to a finger or toe knows how especially painful those can be.

The reason that this tale of woe is at all relevant is to illustrate a point. I was much more impacted by a broken pinky finger than I ever could have imagined. I had never given much thought to this particular digit. Of course it was my right and dominant hand. Without the ability to bend that finger, I was not able to hold a pen, or more importantly since I was still actively working in my job as a nurse, I was not able to give shots for many weeks.

Go ahead and try to pick up a pen and write something while your little finger stays straight, It’s exceedingly awkward.

My lesson today is first of all to be mindful of all the things that are working well. If you don’t have a headache, sore throat or congestion, hooray! Can you walk without pain? Pay attention. We usually only notice when there is an issue.

Secondly, if you are dealing with tough stuff as many of us are this year, don’t let the difficult things completely eclipse the lovely stuff that is still surrounding you. Listen to music, go someplace and be wowed by nature

This week I decided to focus on my personal corner of the universe, and give some appreciation for things that I can sometimes take for granted. How lucky am I to have a warm and loving family! It warmed my heart that old friends and acquaintances reached out with birthday wishes

It is fun to be methodical and to go through a little checklist of my senses. What brought me joy?

Seeing: Spring blossoms. So many gorgeous colors.

Hearing: My grandsons laugh and giggle. The sound of music as Lauren and I actually had a peaceful moment to play some piano duets.

Smell: The aroma of the ‘birthday’ cookies that Elliot helped make.

Taste: Yes… they were delicious

Touch: Snuggles

Things to look forward to: My husband and I have some exciting trips planned.

When people ask me how I am doing these days, my response is, “My micro world is really lovely”

There is good stuff. You can find it. You just need to pay attention. It can be something as simple as taking a page out of my sister-in-law Barbara's book and grabbing a martini and watching reruns of the Big Bang Theory

While you are at it, pay a bit of homage to that all important pinky!

And the bad stuff? Remember to differentiate between what is in your control and what is not. Even small, positive gestures and kindnesses can help move things in the right direction.

Feedback request for upcoming Sleep Post

 Dr. Ted and I are ready to roll up our sleeves and tackle one of those topics that parents almost always have questions about. It might actually be the number one issue for many.

Can you guess? Or are you too tired?

The answer is sleep.

It feels like your baby is up every hour and you completely forget what it feels like to sleep through the night.

Blink. They were finally sleeping a little bit better, but they just turned four months old and ugh…. just ugh.

Blink. You now have a toddler. You can’t figure out a nap schedule and bedtimes are a complete nightmare.

Blink. Your child is a bit older now. You are sleeping deeply when you get the sense that something is amiss. You open your eyes to see your little one kneeling by the side of your bed staring you awake. They had a bad dream and want to join you in your bed.

Blink. Your teenager is having trouble with insomnia. You don’t know how to help them.

Our intent is to do a post that addresses issues and answers questions about sleep through the ages.

So as we embark on this project we are asking for your input.

What are some of your most pressing sleep related questions? Do you have pearls of wisdom, things you have tried that have worked well that you would like to share?

The goal is to combine current data, common sense, nonjudgmental guidelines along with wisdom from the ‘hive mind’ to create a post that is a helpful resource to many.

I would love to hear from you. Feel free to comment or shoot me an email Nursejudysf@gmail.com

Urgent Care vs Emergency Room

 One of my readers wrote to me with a request. She was never quite sure when she should go to urgent care vs an emergency room….could I write a post that reviews the guidelines?

We wish that we could give you a straight answer! Some urgent care facilities can suture up a wound, do an x-ray and/or start an IV. Others will send you to the emergency room for those same services depending on the age of the patient.

There doesn’t seem to be consistent standards out there. But a little preparation in advance can help you navigate through the confusion.

Seeing your primary doctor should be where you try to start.

• Routine check ups are the opportunity to have your doc get to know your child.

• Chronic issues (anything lasting longer than a month) should also be managed by your regular doctor unless there is an acute change and you need to be seen urgently. Those often require continuity. Labs and referrals can't be managed as effectively by someone who sees you only once.

• Refills should be handled by the office of your primary care provider. Pay attention if you are running low on something and request a refill at least a week in advance. Please Don’t wait until Friday afternoon.

But Murphy's Law generally seems to make certain that the fever spikes, or the vomiting starts, right at 5:01 pm when the average doctor's office turns their phones off.

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Also, we get it that sometimes the hours and location of an urgent care feel much more convenient.

In any case, it is important to be familiar with your after hours/urgent care options.

Waiting until you or your child is ill is not the best time to start learning about what choices exist in your area.

Do some research

• Start by asking your regular doctor’s office if there is an urgent care that they are associated with.

• How late are they open?/Do they do walk-ins or schedule appointments?

• Are there after hours advice nurses available?

• Where is the closest emergency room? Is it staffed with pediatricians?

• Does your insurance plan have a preferred option that won’t cost as much?

• If you are traveling, plan ahead and figure out local options for care before the trip.

Once you have some Urgent care options give them a call and ask them a few questions. Most will deal with general illnesses, but you also want to know:

Do they do sutures?

Do they do IVs? This is exceedingly rare for pediatrics.

Do they do X-rays?

Can they remove a jelly bean from the nose or ear?

Will they help assess a head injury?

And here is the most important follow up… Is the answer still yes if you have an infant or toddler? Some places who don’t blink about treating a seven year old are very quick to show you the door and send you to the ER if your child is younger than that.

Things to keep in mind if you need to be seen at urgent care

Know the exact names and dosages of any medications the patient is on. If possible bring them with you or take a photo of the container.

Have an accurate timeline of the illness. It is a good habit to start a shared document when your kid gets sick. This way caregivers can track symptoms, timing of medications etc. That document will be a useful history for any medical professional who you end up seeing.

Request that the urgent care send a report to your primary doctor.

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Here are some of the most common reasons that people go to urgent care.

When available, I’ve included blog post links that may be helpful in helping you figure out if you need to be seen.

Fever (read more)

✅ Urgent Care: Almost always ok, except for noted exceptions
🛑Emergency Room: If Temperature is over 106 or baby is under 2-3 months

Respiratory Illnesses (read more)

✅ Urgent Care: Good place to start unless there is severe respiratory distress
🛑Emergency Room: The post linked above describes what respiratory stress actually looks like.

Ear Pain (read more)

✅ Urgent Care: Can usually tend to the majority of ear issues.
🛑Emergency Room: Only if there is marked, severe swelling around the ear/skull (This won’t be subtle!)

Vomiting / Diarrhea (read more)

✅ Urgent Care: Unless you suspect dehydration. Although it never hurts to check, most urgent cares don’t do IVs.
🛑Emergency Room: If an IV is might be needed, the ER is the right choice.

Abdominal Pain

✅ Urgent Care: Check for constipation or gas which are the most common culprits
🛑Emergency Room: If unable to walk or jump due to the pain

Allergic Reaction/Hives (read more)

✅ Urgent Care: Hives without any of the signs below are OK
🛑Emergency Room: If hives are associated with trouble breathing, coughing, vomiting, diarrhea, or lip/tongue swelling, or if an Epi pen was needed. After the use of epinephrin, supervision is needed to make sure that symptoms don’t rebound

Rashes (read more)

✅ Urgent Care: Virtually all OK, with one rare exception listed below
🛑Emergency Room: If there is a fever along with a rash that is purplish and doesn’t get lighter when you press on it go to ER immediately. If patient is acting confused call 911

Injuries - Body (read more)

✅ Urgent Care: Call ahead to ask about x-ray availability and stitches if you suspect they may be needed. Dislocated Elbow (nursemaids) is usually an easy fix at urgent care. A mild sprain can possibly wait until the next day, Rest/Ice/Elevate and (arnica) if it it is still painful in the morning, get it checked out
🛑Emergency Room: Many gaping wounds and obvious fractures need the ER

Injuries - Head (read more)

✅ Urgent Care: If it was minor and none of the red flags are presented, Urgent care may be able to offer reassurance
🛑Emergency Room: If there was a fall from up high, or very fast and sudden impact (i.e. air bags went off in a car), loss of consciousness or vomiting, it is safest to get them thoroughly checked out in the ER

Urinary Tract Infections (read more)

✅ Urgent Care: Almost always OK, except ↓
🛑Emergency Room: If associated with a fever in a young infant under 3 months

Sore Throat (read more)

✅ Urgent Care: Almost always OK, except ↓
🛑Emergency Room: If unable to close the mouth or turn the head, with high fever and excessive drooling

Swallowing / Inhaling Foreign Bodies
(read more: swallowing, foreign bodies)

✅ Urgent Care: Good to call in advance to check. Many urgent cares will remove deep objects out of ears/nostrils but others will not. It may actually depend on who is working the shift. ( Dr. Ted is a superhero when it comes to getting things out and stitching things up, not everyone is so willing)
🛑Emergency Room: If any signs of distress. If the swallowed item was possibly magnets, button batteries or water beads those can be especially hazardous, but anything that could cause a blockage needs to be assessed and dealt with. If actively choking call 911

Pink Eye (read more)

✅ Urgent Care: Almost always OK, except ↓
🛑Emergency Room: If the skin around the eye is entirely red and swollen with pain and fever

Burns

✅ Urgent Care: If first or second degree.

🛑Emergency Room: Burns on the face, neck, hands, feet or genitals are generally more serious. Any potentially third degree or burn covering a large area of the body needs to be seen in ER and may be require being transferred to hospital that specializes in burns

Poisoning (read more)

🛑Urgent care not the right option.

✅Call poison control: 1-800-222-1222. They may direct you to the ER

Seizure

🛑Urgent care is Not the right choice
✅Go to ER. If this is the first time, it is appropriate to call 911

Behavior / Psych

🛑Urgent care not the right choice.

✅ You can call 988 but they will likely direct you to head to the ER. especially if you are dealing with a minor.

Bonus link

What should you have on hand in your medicine cabinet

Enormous thanks to amazing designer Nancy Elle who helped us try to make the text behave.

Thank you to Sawyer for being one of my favorite models.

And Bella, this one’s for you!

Measles 2025

 You may have heard the term herd immunity.

This is my best way to describe what we are talking about.

Imagine a forest. After a rainstorm, the trees are moist. A spark is unlikely to cause much damage. If the trees are dry and brittle, that same spark can cause a raging inferno quickly.

People who are unvaccinated are like dry trees. The more of them there are, the more danger there is of more damage to the surrounding area. If the fire is strong enough, even some wet trees don’t stand a chance. Some people (such as babies, and people with cancer or other immune compromise) can’t be vaccinated, and can’t help but be a ‘dry tree’.

Herd immunity is when at least 95% of people have the vaccine-induced protection.

We shouldn't need to be writing this post! Measles was eliminated in the US in 2000. It is horrible to see the news about the current rise in cases.

Measles, also known as rubeola, is very contagious

This virus is so virulent that ninety percent of unvaccinated people will catch this virus once they are exposed. What is even more alarming is that it can remain on surfaces or even in the air for 2 hours after someone has sneezed or coughed! If someone travels on a plane while they are contagious...that is a potential nightmare. One of the reasons that it spreads so easily is that people are contagious as early as 2-4 days prior to showing any signs of the virus and may remain contagious until the rash is gone, or 4 days after the symptoms are all clear.

How the measles rash spreads on the body

The measles rash follows a characteristic head-to-toe spread.

1. Incubation Period (7–14 days after exposure)

• The measles virus enters through the respiratory tract and replicates in the local lymph nodes.

• It then spreads through the bloodstream to various organs, including the skin.

• No symptoms appear during this phase.

2. Prodromal Phase (Days 1–4)

• Before the rash appears, the child develops high fever (up to 104°F), cough, runny nose, and red eyes.

• “Koplik spots” (tiny white spots on the inner cheeks) sometimes appear 1–2 days before the rash.

3. Rash Stage (Days 4–10)

The rash appears as red, blotchy spots that spread in a predictable pattern.

Day 1: Face and Neck

• The first spots appear around the hairline, forehead, and behind the ears.

• The rash spreads downward to the neck and upper chest.

Day 2: Torso and Arms

• The rash extends to the trunk, upper arms, and thighs.

• Individual spots start merging, forming confluent patches.

Day 3: Lower Body and Extremities

• The rash spreads to the lower legs and feet.

• By this point, most of the body is covered.

4. Recovery (Days 6–10)

• The rash starts to fade in the same order it appeared (face first, then torso, then legs).

• As it resolves, it leaves behind a brownish discoloration and fine skin peeling.

If you have a happy child with a rash, our guess would be that it isn’t measles. People with measles will look sick and likely have a high fever. The rash will not be one of the first symptoms.

Complications are frequent

They range from ear infections to pneumonia, encephalitis and/or seizures. 1 in 5 people are hospitalized after infection (roughly 1 in 4 when just looking at kids), often with pneumonia or brain swelling. 1-3 out of every 1,000 cases are fatal. Take a moment and reflect on what that means. This is a serious illness. This is not one of those illnesses to wish your child would catch in order to get natural immunity.

Vaccination

The routine measles vaccine is combined with mumps and rubella and is referred to as the MMR. The individual components have not been available separately for many years. The first MMR shot is routinely given to patients between 12-15 months and again between 4-6 years.

Why do we wait so long before giving that first MMR protection to babies?

Assuming that the birth mom has been fully vaccinated (or less likely has had the actual measles) infants are born with passive immunity to the disease. This immunity starts to wane and is considered mostly gone by the time the babies are between 12 and 15 months. If a child is vaccinated when they are younger than a year old and still have some maternal protection, the vaccine does not seem to be as effective for long term protection.

For the second dose there is the option of combining it with the chickenpox vaccine called Varivax. That combo vaccine is called Proquad or MMRV.

Just one dose of the MMR vaccine is thought to be 93% effective. The second dose is given just to catch the occasional person who didn't get effective immunity from one dose and bumps the effectiveness up to 97%. It can be given earlier than 4 years, but I am not too concerned about the timing of the second dose as long as patients have gotten the first one.

If you are traveling to a high risk area, the CDC will suggest getting the second shot early. The 2 shots simply need to be given at least 28 days apart and after the age of 1 year.

The MMR is a live vaccine and it is true that in some rare cases the reaction can be a little rough. Interestingly, most kids are just fine the day of the immunization. Typically the reaction comes along between 7-21 days after the shot. This reaction may include high fever and rash. This is not thought to be contagious. It usually lasts only a day or so.

Kids with severe egg allergies don’t need to worry about the MMR vaccine. Even though the vaccine is made using chick embryo cell cultures, it doesn’t actually contain significant egg protein. Studies have shown that even kids with a history of anaphylaxis to eggs can get the MMR safely without any extra precautions. The only vaccines where egg allergy is a concern are some flu vaccines and the yellow fever vaccine (which isn't routine anyway).

Before routine use of the measles vaccine, there were about 500,000 cases of measles in the United States each year, and about 500 deaths. Measles also led to about 48,000 people being hospitalized and another 1,000 people being left with chronic disability from measles encephalitis. Study after study has shown that there is no link between the MMR and autism, but there are still some folks reluctant to give their children the vaccination.

In July 2016, SB277 was signed into law. It is now a requirement that all children attending schools in California have the measles vaccine unless they have a medical contraindication. Since the law passed, I have seen a steep increase in vaccination rates. This law probably has saved lives.

Most schools just require 2 doses after the age of a year and don't care a bit about the timing.

Outbreaks

The CDC defines an outbreak as “a chain of transmission that includes 3 or more cases linked in time and space.” As this post is written, in February of 2025, the numbers are increasing. We are seeing an outbreak in a rural pocket of unvaccinated children in Texas. The CDC is currently updating its page monthly, so it is challenging for us to give you exact numbers. If you’re traveling to the South, check the local news sources before you go.

Travel considerations

Unfortunately, measles remains a common disease in many parts of the world. Each year, an estimated 128,000 people die from measles. Take a moment to recognize what a huge number that is! Quite a few countries and popular travel destinations have experienced measles outbreaks in recent years, including countries in Europe, Israel, India, Thailand, Vietnam, Japan, Ukraine, and the Philippines. This is only a partial list. Before your next trip, check your destination and CDC’s global travel notices.

If you do travel, pay attention to your health for 3 weeks after you return to make sure you didn’t bring this home.

Infants can get the vaccine early for travel or exposures

If you are traveling to a high risk area or there has been a possible measles exposure, the vaccine can be given as early as 6 months. You need to be aware that this early shot can’t be counted on for lasting protection. Your child will still require two shots after the first birthday. Your insurance company also might refuse payment if the shot is given outside of the routine schedule, but this is less likely if your doctor “codes” for the shot to be given due to travel or exposure.

If your child is over a year and has had only one MMR so far, go ahead and see about getting them their second shot early if you are going to one of the higher risk countries (or Texas).

It takes about 10-14 days to get any significant protection from the first MMR. Hence planning is important.

Hepatitis A is one more vaccine that can be given early for travelers.

Several years ago when I was working on my very first measles post, one of my adult friends said to me, "We all got measles and survived, what is the big deal?" My response was, "It is true enough that the vast majority of folks who get measles will recover intact and have lifelong immunity. However, one to three kids out of 1,000 will die; many more than that will be permanently harmed. That is too many when we are talking about something that can be prevented. That 1 child out of 1,000 matters."

Remember, that babies are vulnerable “dry trees.” We all need to do our part to keep them safe.

Extra note for adults - depending on when you were born, your original vaccination may or may not be still providing protection. You may have been given only 1 shot, a one time common practice; you may have been given an inactivated virus shot, which was also a long ago common practice; or if you were inoculated in the 1960s, you may have been given a relatively ineffective vaccine because of now-known manufacturing problems. The best way to make sure is to have your titers measured, or you can do what I just did since we will be traveling internationally later this year, and simply get a booster. Talk to your doctor about the best option for you.

Do you know your love language?

 I may have many positive traits, but being romantic is not one of them.

As is often the case, one half of a couple is more romantic than the other. It is rarely 50/50.

My husband Sandy clearly carries the lion's share of the romance in our marriage.

The poor guy is actually one of the most romantic men I know. How he got saddled with me is a question for the ages.

We often joke that February 14th is the one day of the year when he is grateful for the fact that my romance gene is apparently missing.

On Valentine’s Day, when flowers and chocolates have doubled in price, there is no expectation that he needs to partake in this made-up Hallmark occasion.

But, it seems as good a time as any to update my old post about love language. Are you familiar with this?

This idea comes from a book by Gary Chapman, written back in the 1990’s.

I first learned of it from my daughter Alana who refers to this concept in her work as a therapist.

The 5 love languages that Chapman identifies are as follows:

• Words of affirmation

• Physical touch

• Gift giving

• Quality time

• Acts of service.

Most people have one or two that resonate the most for them.

The first step is figuring out how you tick. What works for you?

Then think about your partner? How do you each need to receive love? How do you like to show it?

Here is a quiz that can help you figure it out!!

Are you able to have a conversation about this and actually spend some time pondering this? If you don’t have insight to your own needs, your partner doesn’t have a chance.

This is basic relationship building stuff.

I consider this valuable because anything that can be done to help couples have positive and loving interactions is going to directly impact their children in more ways than I can count.

Having a foundational conversation and understanding about what makes you feel loved is an excellent first step.

This isn’t just about your partner. Try to understand where other people in your life, including your children fall on this list. Everyone is different.

In her practice, my daughter Alana tells her clients that all love languages are valid, even if they do not resonate with you personally.

The list is also not set in stone, it is just a basic guide. You may come up with something that isn’t considered one of the standard five main categories.

In the ideal and healthy relationship, we show love to our partners, friends and family members in the way they understand, and receive love back in the ‘love language’ that charges our battery.

There is nothing automatic about this; as with most things in relationships, it takes a little bit of work.

I know that many people (women in particular) would prefer to have their partner be a mind reader, but alas, that isn’t usually the way it happens.

Consider this example: Your birthday is coming up. Your wish is that your partner would get you flowers.

But if you need to tell them that, the actual receiving of the flowers somehow is not quite as special as if they had thought about it on their own.

Having your partner know what you want and then be thoughtful enough to follow through is often more valuable than the actual bouquet.

In the partner’s defense, they would be delighted to get you flowers, just ask. They would like it if you communicated your desires. Your point is that you don’t want to have to ask. Round and round and round we go.

In another example, one person bestows flamboyant gifts, which are nice, but the recipient would have been much happier with a back-rub.

With a little intel, you can direct your energy to where it will be most appreciated.

Don’t make assumptions. My sister-in-law Barbara, a therapist and the author of Love in the Time of Chronic illness adds that to really make this work, you need to be deliberate and instructive about what you need from your partner.

Because people often regress during times of stress, it would be great to have these discussions in advance and revisit them periodically.

Keep in mind that your love language can change as often as your hair color. Circumstances change. The love language that you most relate to as a young single person can completely shift when you become a parent.

Physical touch may not be what you are craving when you are breastfeeding and exhausted.

Here is a bonus quiz about what kind of apology works best for you. (Thanks Alana)

I took it and found that restitution and accepting responsibility count much more for me than asking for forgiveness or expressing regret.

Final message for all the single folk who read this to the end. Sometimes you may need a reminder that it is so much better being on your own than being in a toxic relationship. Give yourself some self love and try not to let all the Valentine Day marketing make you nuts

Head Injuries/ When to worry/ How to manage

 Kids fall. When I was working as the advice nurse at Noe Valley Pediatrics, not a week went by when I didn't get the ‘call’. The mom or dad would be in tears as they recounted in horror that their baby fell. With young babies, this can happen if you leave them on an unprotected surface for even a moment. More often than not, the caregiver was close by, watching it happen, but couldn't move fast enough. That thud is an awful sound.

Of course it isn't only babies who fall. Children and adults have accidents and sports injuries all the time.

If your child falls or you are the first responder at any kind of accident, take a deep breath. The most important thing is to remain calm. You can give yourself some great self care, later. (glass of wine, bubble bath, hug)

Medical personnel will want to know:

• How far do you think they fell? The rule of thumb is, that if they fall from a height that is higher than they are tall, then they need to be evaluated. (Tripping from standing doesn’t count)

• Were they in a moving vehicle where the airbags were deployed?

• What kind of surface did they fall onto?

• What was the immediate reaction?

• How long did it take until they stopped crying?

Of course, if there is a loss of consciousness, or any possible neck injury, don’t move them, CALL 911!

A moment of stunned silence is common. If the fall is soon followed by crying it is unlikely that there was any loss of consciousness.

Do a quick head to toe assessment. Is there any obvious bleeding, bruising, sprains or fractures?

Put immediate pressure on any bleeding wounds.

Try to get a cold pack on any bruises. If you are out of the house, a cold drink from a vending machine is a good option. If you are near a freezer, a bag of frozen veggies makes a nice ice pack.

Kids might comply more easily if they know the routine. For toddlers and preschoolers, playing doctor before anything happens can be very useful. “Uh oh, we have a boo boo, quick, let’s put the cold pack on there to help make it feel better.”

There are also plenty of cute pediatric ice packs that might elicit cooperation.

I also recommend Arnica. I imagine that some of you are asking, “what on earth is that?” Arnica is a homeopathic remedy. It comes as a topical ointment or little oral pellets. Many parents swear that it significantly decreases bruises. Roll your eyes if you must, but I have seen it work. It is worth having some around. I would keep it handy in your diaper bag or backpack. Kids often like to have ‘cream’ applied to a little ‘owie’. Arnica is perfect for that.

Check the mouth and make sure there are no loose teeth. While you are thinking about it, I suggest that you have an established relationship with a pediatric dentist. In the case of a mouth injury this will be very useful.

Before you completely flip out, it is important to know that head wounds can create a huge amount of blood if there is even a tiny little break in the skin. If the skin remains intact, all that blood (that didn’t come out) can collect into an enormous goose egg. These can look alarming. Just to be on the safe side, a significant goose egg should be checked out to make sure there is no fracture.

Mild bruises and bumps by themselves are not a concern if the child is acting fine otherwise. The affected areas can turn all sorts of lovely colors as they resolve. Expect greens, purples and yellows.

Noticeable bruising around the eyes is worth reporting.

Simple bleeding doesn’t worry me as long as it stops within a reasonable amount of time. Hold pressure for at least 10 minutes. If it is still oozing at that point, you might need to go in to get the wound sutured or glued.

The potential bleeding that may be taking place internally is a different story. Any accumulation of fluid or swelling within the hard shell of the skull can cause pressure on the brain. A slow bleed might not show symptoms immediately, so I would be alert for at least a week or two after a significant impact. If there is anything going on in there, your child's behavior will not be normal.

Here is a gentle reminder that this post is NOT meant to freak you out. By far, most of the time kids are fine after a mild fall, but it is always wise to be on the lookout to make sure there isn’t a concussion.

Most of us have heard the term concussion, but might not actually know what it actually is. A concussion is a type of traumatic brain injury that stems from an impact that causes the head and the brain to move quickly back and forth. The brain may bounce or twist in the skull from this sudden movement. This in turn can cause stretching and damage to the brain cells as well as chemical changes in the brain.

If there is a TBI ( traumatic brain injury) you are going to have clues that something is not right. Physical symptoms would include

• dizziness

• balance problems,

• headaches,

• vision problems

• light sensitivity

• sleepiness

• nausea and vomiting

I actually give the kids "one free vomit". Often they have cried hard enough that they might spit up a little. Let's not worry about that first emesis. If they vomit a second time, it’s time to call your doctor.

Murphy's Law comes into play here. With children, vomiting could simply be a sign that they are coming down with a tummy bug. Nonetheless, if they whacked their heads and are now vomiting, they need to be checked out.

Regardless of symptoms, after any fall or accident, if you are worried, it is always appropriate to call the doctor's office to let them know what happened. It is reasonable to need a bit of reassurance! But more often than not, if your child is acting fine most of the time they will tell you to keep a close eye on your child at home.

What about sleep?

Assuming they are not showing any obvious worrisome symptoms, keeping someone awake after a head injury is not necessary:

If it is during the day, experts agree that once your child has calmed down it is fine to let them take their normal nap.

An overtired baby will be cranky and may be near impossible to assess. If they are nodding off, it is likely because they are tired, and not from the head injury. That being said, do not let them take a nap that is longer than the typical nap time.

If they are old enough that they no longer take naps, excessive sleepiness would be something to report.

Nights might feel a bit trickier. Research shows that if it has been more than 3 or 4 hours since the fall and there is no vomiting, you don’t actually need to wake them up.

Depending on how far and hard they fell, I would suggest checking on your child every couple of hours to make sure they haven’t thrown up and they seem to be peacefully sleeping. You can set an alarm to make sure you get up to do this.

The key is to monitor any status changes.

Traumatic Brain Injury symptoms are not only physical. We need to keep an eye out for social or emotional changes as well. If the head injury patient is having any of the following issues, bring that up with your medical team.

• anxiety

• nervousness

• irritability

• trouble with memory

• New onset insomnia

There is no downside to getting your child evaluated if you are even the least bit concerned. Most pediatric emergency rooms will do a thorough assessment.

They may order a Cat scan if there is:

• loss of consciousness

• suspicion for a skull fracture

• the patient is under the age of two and is showing any symptoms

Doctors will use their clinical judgement and make a case by case decision. A basic neurological exam might include the following

• Can they answer simple questions?

• Is there any complaint of blurry vision?

• Do the pupils react to light at the same speed? (some people have pupils that are not quite equal and that is their norm. It is a good idea to check your kids pupils before an accident so that you have a baseline)

• Can they touch their finger to their nose? Do this with each hand.

• Is there any clear drainage from the nose or ears? (Of course, what toddler doesn't have a runny nose?)

These little tests are obviously age dependent.

Newer protocols for concussion care are not as restrictive as they used to be.

Screen time has a big impact. Patients who abstained from it for the first 48 hours had a quicker recovery

• Rest right after the injury

• Take it easy the first few days when symptoms are more severe.

• Avoid any activities that seem to be making symptoms worsen.

• Anything that can cause eye strain is not a good idea. This includes screen time and reading

• Find activities that are quiet and relaxing and don’t need a lot of mental stimulation.

• It is okay for you to read to them.

Your child can return to non strenuous activities as soon as they start to feel better.

• Return to school gradually.

• If symptoms do not worsen during an activity, then this activity is OK for your child.

• If symptoms worsen, cut back on that activity until it is tolerated.

• Encourage outside time, such as taking short walks if the weather cooperates.

• Make sure they are getting a good night's sleep.

• It is especially important to avoid screen time and loud music before bed.

After the first 48 hours it is appropriate to try to get back to normal. Let the teachers know what is going on so they can get a little leniency if needed

Remember, after a solid knock to the head you are not out of the woods right away. Pay attention to any dizziness or headaches. This is especially important within the first couple of weeks. Get immediate attention for any vomiting or confusion.

Discuss return to sports with your medical team. The research is constantly evolving

The large majority (70-80%) of people with Traumatic Brain Injuries recover within 3 months. Every child’s recovery period is unique.

There have been some new findings that females across all the age spans recover more slowly from a TBI than males. Studies are being done to look more closely into that.

Nurse Judy adds that a trusted and gentle chiropractor might help with healing

Prevention

• Keep in mind that it is very unlikely that simply falling (toddlers learning to walk) will cause any actual damage.

• Accidents happen on the watch of even the most vigilant care giver.

• Sometimes a parent falls when holding the baby and they both get injured. Beware of trying to manage a baby along with armloads of groceries.

• I have seen “selfie” accidents. No photo op is worth it if your baby's head gets whacked in the process.

• Never leave your baby on a surface that they can fall from; they will!

• Watch out for wet squirmy babies right out of the tub. Using a towel or terry cloth robe can help give you traction. Skin to skin is especially slippery.

• Make sure your kids wear helmets when using bikes, scooters or skates. Model good behavior!

• Make sure your child is in the appropriate car seat.

• Make sure your house is child-proofed with necessary safety gates.

• Make sure that stairs are free from clutter.

• If your child is sitting in a shopping cart, make sure to keep a hand on it. I had a little patient reach over to grab a box of cereal and she toppled the entire cart over!

• Choose playgrounds that have a safer ground to fall onto. Sand beats concrete anytime!

• Sometimes all of this feels more traumatic for the parent than the patient!

Dr. Ted tidbits:

You can’t keep your child on a leash. A bonk on the head at some point is inevitable. It is a question of when, not if.

If you haven’t done something egregiously careless, then don’t beat yourself up when these little accidents happen.

If there is something going on inside the brain, it is not silent or subtle.

Stay safe!

I have quite a few readers who swear that my posts are eerily timed. I hope this one is full of information that nobody is actually going to need any time soon. With the Super Bowl this weekend it felt timely.

Nurse Judy’s Substack is free. I have no current plans to add a payment option. But feel free to pass these along and share.