I may have many positive traits, but being romantic is not one of them.
As is often the case, one half of a couple is more romantic than the other. It is rarely 50/50.
My husband Sandy clearly carries the lion's share of the romance in our marriage.
The poor guy is actually one of the most romantic men I know. How he got saddled with me is a question for the ages.
We often joke that February 14th is the one day of the year when he is grateful for the fact that my romance gene is apparently missing.
On Valentine’s Day, when flowers and chocolates have doubled in price, there is no expectation that he needs to partake in this made-up Hallmark occasion.
But, it seems as good a time as any to update my old post about love language. Are you familiar with this?
This idea comes from a book by Gary Chapman, written back in the 1990’s.
I first learned of it from my daughter Alana who refers to this concept in her work as a therapist.
The 5 love languages that Chapman identifies are as follows:
Words of affirmation
Physical touch
Gift giving
Quality time
Acts of service.
Most people have one or two that resonate the most for them.
The first step is figuring out how you tick. What works for you?
Then think about your partner? How do you each need to receive love? How do you like to show it?
Here is a quiz that can help you figure it out!!
Are you able to have a conversation about this and actually spend some time pondering this? If you don’t have insight to your own needs, your partner doesn’t have a chance.
This is basic relationship building stuff.
I consider this valuable because anything that can be done to help couples have positive and loving interactions is going to directly impact their children in more ways than I can count.
Having a foundational conversation and understanding about what makes you feel loved is an excellent first step.
This isn’t just about your partner. Try to understand where other people in your life, including your children fall on this list. Everyone is different.
In her practice, my daughter Alana tells her clients that all love languages are valid, even if they do not resonate with you personally.
The list is also not set in stone, it is just a basic guide. You may come up with something that isn’t considered one of the standard five main categories.
In the ideal and healthy relationship, we show love to our partners, friends and family members in the way they understand, and receive love back in the ‘love language’ that charges our battery.
There is nothing automatic about this; as with most things in relationships, it takes a little bit of work.
I know that many people (women in particular) would prefer to have their partner be a mind reader, but alas, that isn’t usually the way it happens.
Consider this example: Your birthday is coming up. Your wish is that your partner would get you flowers.
But if you need to tell them that, the actual receiving of the flowers somehow is not quite as special as if they had thought about it on their own.
Having your partner know what you want and then be thoughtful enough to follow through is often more valuable than the actual bouquet.
In the partner’s defense, they would be delighted to get you flowers, just ask. They would like it if you communicated your desires. Your point is that you don’t want to have to ask. Round and round and round we go.
In another example, one person bestows flamboyant gifts, which are nice, but the recipient would have been much happier with a back-rub.
With a little intel, you can direct your energy to where it will be most appreciated.
Don’t make assumptions. My sister-in-law Barbara, a therapist and the author of Love in the Time of Chronic illness adds that to really make this work, you need to be deliberate and instructive about what you need from your partner.
Because people often regress during times of stress, it would be great to have these discussions in advance and revisit them periodically.
Keep in mind that your love language can change as often as your hair color. Circumstances change. The love language that you most relate to as a young single person can completely shift when you become a parent.
Physical touch may not be what you are craving when you are breastfeeding and exhausted.
Here is a bonus quiz about what kind of apology works best for you. (Thanks Alana)
I took it and found that restitution and accepting responsibility count much more for me than asking for forgiveness or expressing regret.
Final message for all the single folk who read this to the end. Sometimes you may need a reminder that it is so much better being on your own than being in a toxic relationship. Give yourself some self love and try not to let all the Valentine Day marketing make you nuts
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