My grandson Coby is a strong willed two and a half year old. Yes he is the one who recently ate a penny.
He likes to try to remind his parents that “you’re not the boss of me!”
Suddenly, tantrums are an almost daily occurrence, so I decided to update this old post.
It is the rare parent who doesn’t have to deal with temper tantrums. The behaviors include crying, yelling, aggression, and/or defiance. If your child is simply screaming at you, consider yourself lucky. Be aware that some stubborn kids will hold their breath until they actually pass out. (That is the body’s way of taking back control and getting them breathing again; not fun!)
You are not alone. On average, children aged 18 to 60 months have at least one daily! While the frequency of tantrums declines with age, the older kids can keep them going for quite a bit longer.
Let’s start with one of my favorite analogies.
Being a parent is like being the coach of a sports team. The real work is the preparation before the game when you learn and practice the plays. More work can be done after the game when you review how your team fared and work on any changes that need to be made.
During the actual game, you might be able to chime in to make little adjustments, but for the most part, unless someone is getting injured, you simply get to watch. This is not the time to effect any real teaching or change.
Recognizing the difference between “game time” and effective coaching opportunities is critical.
If we follow my theory, transition times, mealtimes, getting out of the house in the mornings and bedtimes are considered game time. You can’t do any effective coaching or teaching during these moments.
In the midst of the storm, your best bet is to just get through it as calmly and creatively as you can.
Here’s an example of a “game time” situation. Many years ago when my kids were little, I was a solo parent on a flight, returning home from grandparent/family visit. My sister Marjie had bestowed each of my daughters with a “my little pony” gift to entertain themselves on the flight. Alana, the two year old, had chosen the pink one, and Lauren ,the five year old, was happy with the blue one. Midway through the long flight, Alana wanted to make a trade. Lauren wasn’t interested and quite within her rights, she soundly refused. Alana was usually a fairly mild mannered child, but I could see the tantrum brewing and she was about to cause a serious disruption. I did a quick negotiation with Lauren: “Hand over the blue pony now, and when we get home they are both yours.” Lauren took only a second or two to recognize the value of this and gave Alana the blue pony. Crisis averted. This wasn’t the moment to teach about sharing, or fairness. This was game time. Get off that plane intact. If we had been at home I may have handled it quite differently. It is absurd to think that you will handle a tantrum in the middle of a crowded public area the same way you would in your home. Home field advantage???
If the warning signs are clear, by all means, do your best to ward off an impending meltdown. However, once your child has already entered the meltdown zone, it is time to change tactics.
There is a popular parenting book that counsels parents to get down on the child’s level and loudly evoke their inner caveman by chanting “You are mad, you are mad, you are mad mad mad!”
If you see a parent engaging in this, it is tough not to roll your eyes a little bit, but the premise is actually a solid one. When your kid is having a tantrum, acknowledging that you are trying to understand what is going on in the first step.“You seem mad, sad, frustrated etc” may be exactly what your child needs to hear.
Think about it this way, if you told me that you have a headache and I responded by discussing the weather, it would not be very satisfying. Distraction is all well and good, but not until they get it that you are trying to understand what has them so upset. Validating a feeling is not the same thing as giving in to an unreasonable request.
If they are seriously out of control, try to hold them close, get them on your lap and wrap your arms around them so that they can’t thrash around. Make shushing noises. Keep it simple. This is not the time for lots of words. Those come later.
Preventing the meltdown in the first place is obviously preferable.
Okay, maybe it’s unrealistic to completely eliminate them, so perhaps the goal is to just lessen the occurrences.
When you are dealing with frequent tantrums, see if you can figure out what is setting them off. Look for patterns.
Do they need food?
Many parents realize that kids get more fragile when they are getting hungry. Try having little snacks on hand and pay attention to any cues that give a hint that things are about to head south.
Are they tired?
If tantrums are frequent, you need to examine your child’s nap/sleep schedule. Make sure that they have adequate Iron and Vitamin D intake; both of those can impact mood and sleep.
Are they frustrated by something?
Here is where the coaching in advance comes in. Remind them of some tools that they might be able to call on.
For kids over 3, see if they can recognize their own warning signs before losing control. This is a tool that will serve them so well for their entire life. Perhaps create a song together that they can sing when they are approaching a tantrum stage. Mr. Rogers has a song about dealing with mad feelings:
What Do You Do with the Mad that You Feel?
Any time that you see your child get calm without losing control give them loads of positive feedback.
Problem Solving
Problem solving activities can be the ‘monday morning Quarterback’ after a situation has happened.
Don’t attempt this if they are tired, hungry or simply not in the mood.
Effective coaching only happens when you have a calm moment, talk about what went wrong. See if they can help plan a better way to deal with it the next time.
Step one is always identifying the problem. Break it down to a small but manageable issue. Rather than the diffuse “fighting with sister”, get down to a very specific issue, such as “sister won’t share the yellow crayon.”
Step Two is talking about some choices one might have in that situation. Some are good choices, others not so much. They all make it to the list. Adding a silly one is just fine and makes this feel more like a game. Choices could include:
Using a different color;
Using words and asking sister nicely to share (may need to wait a minute for her to finish coloring her own yellow parts.)
Asking a grown up for help;
Start screaming;
Grabbing the crayon;
Draw a frowning face on your hand with a black crayon;
Use your “walking away power” and take some deep breaths.
Hopefully with some gentle guidance they can identify the more positive choices on the list.
Problem solving exercises are very empowering for your child. The age range for when kids are able to take part in these is fairly variable, but they will all get there.
Kids can also get a lot out of a well told story. Create two little children that you can tell tales about. They are the same age as yours, with very similar family circumstances. One tends to make good choices and the other also gets into trouble often. Allow your child to chime in and talk about why these other children had a tantrum and what they ended up doing about it. Kids do much better talking about these very relatable characters than they do about their own actions. Once they come up with a plan for the made up child, you can bring it back around; “Maybe you could try that also.”
Even the best kids have occasional meltdowns. Do NOT let your kids beat up on you. This might be the time for you to calmly use your own,”walking away power” if you are able to do so safely. This is a good message and a good consequence. Later on you can talk about how you are choosing not to stay in a situation where you might get hurt. Typically, kids are looking for some attention. You leaving the room is rarely the action they were going for.
All tantrums can be turned into learning experiences for you and your child. Stay calm and be consistent.
During a recent visit with the kids, I got to brush off some of these tactics that I haven’t needed in quite awhile.
I was able to avert a tantrum shockingly well.
Coby, using drawer handles as a ladder, managed to scale up the bathroom cabinets to reach a tall counter where the medicines were kept. Spiderman watch out. I was fascinated and a bit awed by his climbing abilities. I was making a mental note to warn Lauren and Adam that it’s time to store medications in a safer place.
Coby had achieved his target, took hold of the tylenol and informed me that he was going to have some of the ‘chewing’ medicine. I removed the bottle from his possession and informed him right back that alas, he wasn’t able to have some.
I could see the tantrum brewing. He started to yell, but then actually stopped, mid squawk when I said loudly, “YOU REALLY WANT THAT MEDICINE”.
In a sad but calm voice he said, “Yes”
I was able to tell him we would ask his mommy later. A bit of distraction and we moved along.
Full disclosure, Lauren says that doesn’t always work with him, but it is certainly worth a try!
She usually finds the ‘walking away power’ to be the most effective. Coby pathetically chases after her almost immediately. “I want to say ‘sorry’. I need a hug”
It is fascinating how different kids and their temperaments are. Thankfully 5 year old Elliot can go a long stretch in between meltdowns, but lord have mercy, when he is mad about something, he runs head first into the red zone with no intention of getting out of it until it is fully on his terms.
Lauren and Adam tried every approach under the sun with him, including all the gentle parenting techniques — they validated his feelings while setting boundaries around screaming and aggression, they tried to sit with him and wait it out, they offered dozens of unique ways to sneak some deep breaths in, and nothing worked with him.
The only thing that eventually got EJ out of these zones was the ultimate bluff — Lauren and Adam concocted a mythical babysitter named ‘Kevin’. If screaming and thrashing continued, mommy and daddy would have no choice other than taking him over to Kevin’s house.
They framed it as their version of walking away power: “if anyone is ever yelling at you like this or trying to hurt you, we hope that you leave that situation and go someplace safe. When you are screaming at us and trying to use your body to hurt us, we are not okay with this and are using our walking away power. You can hang out with Kevin and play with him until you find your calm with us.”
They made it very clear that Kevin is not a punishment — he is a very fun babysitter with lots of great toys and good snacks. Several times they went so far as to put EJ in the car and drive to ‘Kevin’s house’ (he very conveniently lives nearby to wherever they might be). Once parked outside, they would ask EJ if he was ready to find his calm, and thankfully he always was, and never actually called their bluff.
Likely you all have quite a bit or ‘trial and error’ opportunities to see what works best for yours.
And later… When you can find your sense of humor, jot down what set them off. Gasoline balloons anybody?
You will all get a kick out of it in a few years.
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Thank you to Sawyer for being my model.. This was the trifecta: tired, hungry and jet-lagged!
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