I was recently at my 50th high school reunion. It was a joy to reconnect with many old friends.I have remained closely in touch with a remarkable number of them, but for others, there was a lot of catching up to do. I found myself explaining my pie theory more than once. If you are one of my newer readers, you might be wondering what on earth I am talking about. The Pie Theory of life Imagine that your identity is a circle (or whole pie). Who you are is divided into many pieces; some pieces are large, some small, some temporary. Some are constants that are with you life long, some are optional, some are good for your soul, while still others are energy sappers that give you little in return. Are you:
The list goes on and on. What activities make up your day, your week, your month, your year? What pieces make up your pie? Take a few moments to figure it out. Get a piece of paper and a working pen (if you can find one) and create your pie. Your pie is finite. You can only do and be so much, as there are only so many hours in the day. Some folks have too many things competing for time and attention, and figuring out which pieces can be compressed can be quite stressful. Sometimes we make poor choices. Some folks don’t actually have enough pieces to begin to fill the shell. A big empty pie can be just as unsettling as a full one. (For busy working parents this might be a foreign concept) Have you ever noticed that when you are super busy you can manage to get through an entire to-do list very efficiently? On the other hand, on a quiet day you may have only one or two things on the list but somehow nothing gets done. It’s interesting to think how you can be identified in different ways by the various pieces of pie regardless of how big they are. When I am out and about, I still get occasionally recognized as Nurse Judy, even though I have been retired for years. When we still had our golden retriever, around the neighborhood I was recognized as Java’s mom Now when I pick up my grandson EJ from school, I am known as EJ’s grandma. A healthy pie has plenty of interesting pieces that can grow and shrink according to your needs. The more forgiving and elastic the pieces, the easier time you will have finding a good balance. Your pie will naturally change from year to year, but some changes are enormous. Some people are comfortable having a very crowded pie, while others are quite fine and happy doing nothing at all. Part of this is figuring out what your ideal is, and working towards that. Any large sudden changes to your pie will make you feel unsettled, way less so if you have a glimmer of what is going on; hence this theory. When there is a large shift in your pieces my girls and I refer to this as “pie disequilibrium.” Common culprits might include: Event planner: Folks planning a wedding or large event can spend months dealing with all the fun details. When the event is over, that planner piece is gone, your pie has a gap. Caregiver: Folks that spend much of their time and energy tending to someone else’s needs might find themselves suddenly with a large vacuum when that person is gone or no longer needs them. Parent: Huge life changes will create seismic shifts. Nothing will ever match the enormous transitions that take place when you add the parent piece to your pie. My best advice to you as you shuffle all your pie pieces and see how things fit comfortably is to identify pieces that need to be protected so that they don’t get too small. As your children grow up it can be a tough adjustment when they are no longer quite as dependent. (don’t worry, they still love you.) Luckily this happens in stages. Kindergarten...a full day of school...college. Parents who have the “parent piece” taking up the entire pie may feel a twinge when their kids don’t need them in quite the same capacity. You will also find that your role vastly changes when school is in or out of session. If you are lucky enough to have a partner, DO NOT IGNORE THEM! Protect that piece. Get creative and make sure that you have time for the two of you; have some moments being a couple. DO NOT IGNORE YOUR OWN NEEDS! Being the best parent that you can be includes living by example. Let your kids have parents that are multifaceted and not consumed by any one thing (be that parenting or a job.) At the class reunion, I found myself evaluating and discussing my own pie as I caught my old friends up on my current life and learned what they were up to. I have a lot of gratitude that I have a pretty delicious pie:
Sometimes simple awareness is the first step to having a balanced, interesting and fulfilling pie! Even simple things can impact your pie more than you might expect. If you are feeling out of balance take a look and see if you can figure it out. |
