The timing of this post is no coincidence. I am delighted to share that Elliot became a big brother on February 25th……..
You will no doubt be seeing Coby as my newest model for my blog posts.
The first baby….there is nothing quite like it. That little person enters your world and things are never going to be the same.
 |
General handling
With the first one, they seem so fragile and small. Parents learn how to handle them, oh so carefully, making sure to support the head. Allowing a young child to hold them? No way.
With second babies, you might a bit nervous as the oldest clamors to handle their new family member, but if you are lucky you have someone gentle like Elliot
 |
Third kid? They get scooped up without so much thought. You get more and more relaxed with each child.
Mama Tamar adds:
As they grow, the distance they travel when they are playfully thrown up in the air is double what it was for their older sibling at that age, as is the breadth they're given at the playground. They climb blissfully on the play structure and are encouraged to jump off things.
Therapist Brittany adds,
First time parents might explicitly request no touching/holding of the baby. Second-time parents usually reverse that by explicitly asking someone to help with the toddler or secretly wish someone would ask to hold the baby so they could spend time with their first born.
Parents with three or more kids are grateful for any help holding the baby or entertaining the older kids. Having any time off is often a rare gift.
Cleanliness
First baby? The world is kept as sterile as possible. Everyone who handles the infant is asked to wash hands thoroughly with warm soap and water.
If a pacifier falls, it needs to be boiled before getting put back in the mouth.
Anyone with any type of congestion is asked to steer clear.
Second kid? If you are in a hurry, quick pump and swish your hands with some hand sanitizer. The dropped pacifier? That gets wiped on your sleeve (with third baby, perhaps the dog gets to lick it).
Keeping them away from colds and coughs? Good luck with that. If there is a big sibling in daycare or preschool, you have come to the conclusion that the runny nose is a constant. You also realize that there is no way to stop the older brothers and sisters from planting wet kisses all over the baby.
Sleep and schedule
First baby? Schedules are established. Life revolved around nap times.
Second baby? Naptime? Yeah, right….
Hopefully they can snooze in the car seat or the stroller. There are school drop offs and pickups that you need to deal with. There are playdates, activities and places to go.
Nutrition
With first kids it can be a bit nerve wracking to start solids. Some parents have charts and flowsheets. One food is carefully initiated at a time to make sure there are no allergies and reactions.
Tamar knows folks who fed their kids the first taste of peanut butter while sitting in the parking lot of a hospital just to be on the safe side,
This is more common than you might think but usually it is the first child.
My friend Dee-Dee says her first child didn’t get a grain of sugar during his first year. By the time she had her third, she was buying one pound bags of M&Ms in the supermarket just to keep them quiet.
Attention
The first child knows what it feels like to get undivided attention.
There is usually a tough transition as they learn to deal with the new reality when they are no longer the only child.
Ultimately they realize that no one makes the baby smile and laugh quite like they can.
The second (third, fourth,…etc) don’t know enough to miss what they never had. Instead they have the magic of an older sibling.
Tamar says:
My partner’s mom was so busy as a single parent of two (in the age before cell phone cameras) that there is zero video footage of him as a child.
My mom carefully constructed a book of baby photos for her oldest, but by the time I came around there wasn't time. I made my own baby book. You can imagine the third and fourth - happy memories will just have to suffice. "It was all a blur," she says anytime I ask her anything about my childhood or how she raised us. "A happy blur."
Easing the transition
Some big brothers and sisters are actually eagerly expecting the baby's arrival. Others are too young to really understand what is going on. Regardless, there is a big adjustment to be made. Many parents report that the older siblings are quite sweet to the baby, but act out horribly to the parents. Once in a while, but less often they will also act out towards the baby. One of the nurses who used to work with me remembers the time that her oldest daughter dropped a medicine ball on her new sister. Others have no malice but don't have a sense of how to be gentle.
For some kids, a little ‘big brother or sister gift’ from the baby is often very much appreciated.
Baby Coby got Elliot a little stuffed Minnie Mouse that he had been wanting.
Elliot did ask
“How did he manage to get this?”
but didn’t spend too much time wondering about it, and thanked his brother.
Lauren’s friend Arielle took it a step further. She got the idea from her friend Adia.
Makai became a party planner and planned an entire welcome home/zero birthday party for his sister Lila.
He baked a cake, decorated a sign and had a balloon and a special stuffed animal waiting for her.
Validate that all emotions are valid. There are just some responses that are more appropriate than others
Here is my Blog post about managing emotions
Name some of the issues:
It is hard and loud when the baby cries
It doesn’t feel good to have to wait for something while I am tending to the baby
It doesn’t seem fair that the baby gets to sleep in mommy's room.
If you can manage, make sure the big sib gets one on one time with each parent. If the baby is in the room, some kids will think that it doesn’t count.
Be creative. Maybe when you are in the kitchen making a meal only the big one can join you in there to be your sous chef. Or if time and space is really at a premium, invite them into the bathroom with you as if it is a privilege.
Let them be helpers. Find some tasks that they can assist with. This can mean getting out the diaper and wipes for a change, or entertaining the baby.
“Look how the baby lets me change him when you are keeping him interested, without your help I would probably get poop everywhere!”
I like to make the big siblings the deputies of the Hand Washing Patrol. Have hand sanitizer such as Purell around.
Call it magic soap. Tell your ‘deputy’ that they are in charge of making sure that anyone who is going to touch the baby cleans their hands first. This may help make sure that they don't feel like they are constantly being nagged at.
Note about hand sanitizers..If your toddler is prone to putting things in their mouth, you can also get the hand sanitizer that is alcohol free just to be on the safe side.
Be aware that regression behavior is pretty common.
Suddenly the older kid is interested in drinking from a bottle, talking in baby talk or asking for a pull up
Author Julie King, suggests that you allow your older one to ‘play baby’
Here let’s pretend for a little while. Let me swaddle you, here is a pretend bottle. Now let’s snuggle.
After a bit, they are likely to be done with that game. At that point you can point out that big kids like them are so lucky that they know how to walk, eat real food and use their words.
Therapist Brittany Williams adds that allowing the older sibling to care for their own stuffed animal/baby doll can help redirect their focus. Rather than feel as if they are missing out, they feel like they have something to tend to, just like their favorite adults.
Maintaining as much of your firstborns daily & weekly routine before baby will help them traverse the change with more emotional margin.
Regardless of how much prep you have done, at some point the majority of new big siblings are likely to suggest that it is time for that baby to be put back in mom’s tummy. This does not mean that you have failed either one of your children.
Other considerations
Every kid is different and it takes some longer than others to get used to this new world.
It is also an adjustment for parents! You have been used to having a big, sturdy kid who can tell you what they need. It is suddenly shocking to revert to having a baby who feels so small and can’t really communicate. And that poop!? Is it normal for it to be so squirty? We forget!
One more important thing to keep in mind is that all of your kids will reach their milestones on their own timeline. It doesn't pay to compare them to each other or to the other kids in the play group.
The list of very valid reasons that many families stop at one child is a long one. There are millions of folks who are only children who never missed having a sibling.
But for those of you who are going through the joys and the challenges of expanding you families, here are some final thoughts….
Siblings can be a blessing
My mom was an only child. I can remember her telling me that she never missed having siblings until she was an adult.
In most situations, even if it feels like there is a rough patch at the beginning, remind yourself that giving your kids a sibling is a gift.
Thanks so much to Tamar for introducing me to the following poem. The author is unknown.
Loving Two
As I walk along holding your 2-year-old hand, basking in the glow of our magical relationship. Suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that our time alone is limited. And I wonder: How could I ever love another child as I love you?
Then she is born, and I watch you. I watch the pain you feel at having to share me as you've never shared me before. I hear you telling me in your own way, "Please love only me" And I hear myself telling you in mine,"I can't," knowing, in fact, that I never can again.
You cry. I cry with you. I almost see our new baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once shared. A relationship we can never quite have again.
But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being, and feeling almost guilty. I'm afraid to let you see me enjoying her -- as though I am betraying you.
But then I notice your resentment change, first to curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally to genuine affection.
More days pass, and we are settling into a new routine. The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast. But something else is replacing those wonderful times we shared, just we two.
There are new times -- only now, we are three. I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other. I watch how she adores you -- as I have for so long. I see how excited you are by each of her new accomplishments.
And I begin to realize that I haven't taken something from you, I've given something to you. I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you. I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong
And my question is finally answered, to my amazement. Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you -- only differently.
And although I realize that you may have to share my time, I now know you'll never share my love. There's enough of that for both of you -- you each have your own supply.
I love you -- both. And I thank you both for blessing my life.
Thanks to the valuable contributors to this post. It takes a village
Tamar S is an educator and mother of 2. She was one of the inspirations for this post when she sent me a photo of her second child being held by his feet, upside down.
 |
Julie King is the co-author of two best-selling books: How To Talk So LITTLE Kids Will Listen and How To Talk When Kids Won't Listen, and the app HOW TO TALK: Parenting Tips in Your Pocket. Julie leads online, interactive workshops based on her books, as well as workshops about how to handle the fighting and arguing, and help kids get along. She also consults privately online with parents of kids from tots to teens, and speaks publicly to parent groups and school and business communities. To learn more, visit her website, julieking.org.
Brittany Williams is a wonderful therapist who I was lucky enough to work with during my time at the Oathcare start-up
Dee-Dee S, Tamar’s mom as well as one of my best friends whose wisdom as a mother and grandmother is a gift
Last and certainly not least
My daughter Lauren: She is an extraordinary mommy. She has done it all right so far. Watching EJ welcome home his new brother has been nothing short of amazing
 |
Do you have ideas to share that haven’t been mentioned? I would love to hear about them in the comments
No comments:
Post a Comment