Hello from the rocking chair in a dark quiet room, at 1:20am.
I am holding sweet baby Coby. Trying to give Lauren a little stretch of sleep. I am channeling my mom, who did the same for me, way back when.
There is no place I would rather be.
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For any of my connections on Facebook, this was the post that I wrote last week when my new grandson was just a couple of days old.
For the first several nights after the baby came home from the hospital, Adam went to sleep with 3 year old Elliot and I stayed with Lauren. This way I was able to do the burping and help the baby settle in between feeds.
Things were a blur, but at one point in the middle of the night Lauren and I were giggling and for some absurd reason we were trying to see if we remembered the words to the Brady Bunch theme song…..we did. Yes, we sang it together all the way through.
That is absolutely what I will remember, not the tiredness.
Trying to figure out the best way to offer support to new parents differs for everyone.
I realize that our family’s close relationship makes us among the lucky ones.
Sandy and I are still down here in LA for another few days, soaking up the time with the kids before heading back up to SF. Alana also joined us for several days and when we are gone, Aunt Barbara and Uncle Richard will be down. After they leave, my sister Amy will be here for another couple of weeks. Adam also has an enormous and supportive family here in LA. It takes a village.
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Because I often look for ideas of things to write about, here are some glimmers that have been flitting through my mind during the wee hours of the night when I am up with the baby.
I think it is just a fact that the first several weeks with a new baby are challenging. EVEN with help. Even with a relatively smooth postpartum recovery. Even with a relatively chill baby. Show me a parent who thinks it is easy and let’s do a science experiment on them because they are such a rarity!
What does real help actually look like?
Spoiler alert, it isn’t pointing out piles of laundry or crumbs on the floor.
Most new parents are too exhausted to be able to effectively delegate or communicate the best way for the support system to help.
Entertaining the older child or holding the baby so that the parents can have special time with their big kids or simply get some rest is the obvious thing.
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Is there a pet? Give them extra attention as well.
Beyond that, frankly, many people don’t even know what they even need. Plus, what feels like it is the most useful one day may not be exactly what will be at the top of the list the next. And if you are like Lauren and Adam, you don’t like to ask for help, so delegating, even when it would be incredibly valuable, can feel uncomfortable.
Maybe it is just the extra set of hands putting together the bassinet
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Trying hard to actively figure out what actual help looks like can be a game changer.
One of Lauren’s friends also had a baby fairly recently. When the visiting grandmother asked what she could do, the new mom told her that washing the bottles and parts would be amazing. Grandma was happy to do it, but the next day, when there were more bottles to be washed, grandma made no move to automatically take care of them and the new mom felt uncomfortable asking. I have no doubt that she would have been happy to keep being the bottle washer, but without effective communication, that didn’t happen.
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Recognize that there are some tasks that are fairly constant and try to list them.
Ideally consider doing this before the baby arrives, but it is never too late.
For folks that are not breastfeeding, washing those bottles often tops the list.
Consider this a menu of ways that people can be useful.
Present it as an option, not a demand.
Here are some things that would be enormously helpful. If there is anything on this list that you would be willing to take on while you are here, we would be so appreciative
Aside from bottles, dishes, laundry, emptying garbage and other household tasks need to be tended to routinely, not just as a one time thing.
If you have gadgets or methods that your ‘assistants’ might not be familiar with, put step by step instructions in writing. Don’t take anything for granted
Try to find your rhythm.
I have gotten into the habit of being down in the kitchen to help Elliot with his breakfast before he heads off to school.
It feels a bit like groundhog day. Now I know that he wants to cut his own cantaloupe, but it is okay if grandma pre-slices the strawberries. With any 3 year old there is a learning curve, and woe unto you if you get it wrong. Now, we have some nice little breakfast rituals going every morning.
We have also figured out that Lauren’s best shot at being able to fall back to sleep for a small stretch is in the morning as soon as EJ is out the door and the house is suddenly quiet. So that is when I try to make sure to have the baby (so delicious) while mama takes a morning nap.
Most people also don’t have a Papa like Sandy who has been on auto-pilot, cleaning the HEPA filters, doing laundry, running errands, and even oiling the squeaky doors of the new house with WD40. He also has taken part in some nightshifts with me and it was his idea to have baby Coby sleep with us a few nights, with me delivering Coby to Lauren for feeding and then bringing him back to our room to sleep. Nights involve lots of singing oldies. It is never too early to get introduced to the Beatles although we found that the length of Bob Dylan songs is most conducive for Coby to fall asleep!
Even if you aren’t up for a full night, remember that even a two hour stretch of being off duty can feel like gold to new parents. Have them conk out at 8pm and you can hold the baby while you watch some mindless tv for several hours until it is time for the next feeding.
Grandparents, savor this time! Especially if you don’t live close by.
New parents, talk about what might be the most helpful for you and if you are lucky enough to have help, share your list. Don’t expect people to be mind readers.
Just in case these aren’t on your radar
Products that Lauren has found helpful:
Bag balm for any diaper rashes
Tubby Todd Great for dry skin
Large water bottle for the nursing mom (or water bottles stationed around the house)
MYLICON ( I should buy stock in the company)
Alcohol free hand sanitizers all over the place to make it easy for the toddler to ensure that everyone who touches the baby cleans their hands first
Baby wrap of your choice, but wearing them can be a game changer. Adam likes the nesting days wrap for dads. That is his ‘go-to’ gift for new daddies.
Instagram accounts that she likes
Milestones.and.motherhood (pediatric PT)
Karrie_locher (RN, BSN CLC)
Resilient Rascals (Pediatrician)
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