Red Hair and a story about my grandmother

 When I was pregnant for the first time I fully expected to have a redheaded baby. Lauren came out with a full head of jet black hair.

Alana’s was a little lighter but there was no red.

I look at grandsons Elliot and Sawyer for any signs of red. Sawyer has some potential in the right light.

With my newest grandson Coby, I actually had a dream that he was a ginger, but so far, it doesn’t look like my genes are having much say in the hair color of any of my offspring.

You wouldn’t know it if you met me today, but when I was younger I had bright copper penny red hair. In fact, everyone in my immediate family was a redhead.

Mom was more auburn like me. My dad was flaming ginger. The family lore is that I am lucky to exist, because while my parents liked each other quite a bit when they met, the hair color was almost a deal breaker. Neither of them wanted to date a redhead. 

Each of them recalls saying something similar to their parents

“I met someone wonderful, but they have awful red hair.”

They got past that initial aversion and were happily married for more than 50 years. Ultimately, the joke was on them. They had three daughters, with each one having brighter red hair than the next. 

We would stop traffic when we went out together.

Our hair was distinctive enough that we could sometimes pass for each other as if we were twins.

I remember once covering for Marjie when she was working at the grill in the Carnegie Mellon Student Union. She wasn’t able to get the day off that she needed so I just took her place. I did get her in a bit of trouble for being too generous with the ice-cream scoops, but in general no one was the wiser. 

My paternal grandmother Lena was also a redhead.

Her younger sister Regina shared a wonderful story that a cousin captured when doing an oral history project.

Before she was married around the turn of the century, Lena was a young girl living with her uncle on the lower east side of Manhattan.

One day she was returning home on the subway and she noticed a young man staring at her intently. It was making her a bit uncomfortable, so she moved to a different car. He followed her.

She moved again and once again he followed her. She was relieved when she arrived at her stop, but concerned when she noticed that he was also getting off.

She started walking faster. He continued to follow. She ended up running the rest of the way. She got to her uncle's house safely but she was out of breath and a bit shaken up; she told him that someone had followed her home.

The uncle took her by the hand and knocked on the doors of all the neighbors to see if she could recognize the person who had followed her.

At the second or third place they tried, the door opened and there he was.

Her uncle yelled, “Were you following my niece?”

The poor frightened young man spoke up. He had just moved there. All of the buildings looked exactly alike and he couldn’t remember how to get to where he was staying, but he had seen the beautiful girl with the memorable bright red hair, and he knew that she lived on the same floor.

He had been so relieved when he spotted her and was trying to keep her in sight so that he could simply find his way home.

There are no real takeaways from this post except that stories like this can be treasures. They are also easily lost to time.

If you have older relatives, sit with them and capture these anecdotes while you still can. You will find that even folks with some memory issues might not remember what they had for breakfast but can recall some tales from long ago as if they happened yesterday. Your children, and your grandchildren, will be glad you did!

hello from the rocking chair at 1:20 Am

 Hello from the rocking chair in a dark quiet room, at 1:20am.

I am holding sweet baby Coby. Trying to give Lauren a little stretch of sleep. I am channeling my mom, who did the same for me, way back when.

There is no place I would rather be.

For any of my connections on Facebook, this was the post that I wrote last week when my new grandson was just a couple of days old.

For the first several nights after the baby came home from the hospital, Adam went to sleep with 3 year old Elliot and I stayed with Lauren. This way I was able to do the burping and help the baby settle in between feeds.

Things were a blur, but at one point in the middle of the night Lauren and I were giggling and for some absurd reason we were trying to see if we remembered the words to the Brady Bunch theme song…..we did. Yes, we sang it together all the way through.

That is absolutely what I will remember, not the tiredness.

Trying to figure out the best way to offer support to new parents differs for everyone.

I realize that our family’s close relationship makes us among the lucky ones.

Sandy and I  are still down here in LA for another few days, soaking up the time with the kids before heading back up to SF. Alana also joined us for several days and when we are gone, Aunt Barbara and Uncle Richard will be down. After they leave, my sister Amy will be here for another couple of weeks. Adam also has an enormous and supportive family here in LA. It takes a village.

Because I often look for ideas of things to write about, here are some glimmers that have been flitting through my mind during the wee hours of the night when I am up with the baby.

I think it is just a fact that the first several weeks with a new baby are challenging. EVEN with help. Even with a relatively smooth postpartum recovery. Even with a relatively chill baby. Show me a parent who thinks it is easy and let’s do a science experiment on them because they are such a rarity!

What does real help actually look like?

Spoiler alert, it isn’t pointing out piles of laundry or crumbs on the floor.

Most new parents are too exhausted to be able to effectively delegate or communicate the best way for the support system to help. 

Entertaining the older child or holding the baby so that the parents can have special time with their big kids or simply get some rest is the obvious thing. 

Is there a pet? Give them extra attention as well.

Beyond that, frankly, many people don’t even know what they even need. Plus, what feels like it is the most useful one day may not be exactly what will be at the top of the list the next. And if you are like Lauren and Adam, you don’t like to ask for help, so delegating, even when it would be incredibly valuable, can feel uncomfortable.

Maybe it is just the extra set of hands putting together the bassinet

Trying hard to actively figure out what actual help looks like can be a game changer.

One of Lauren’s friends also had a baby fairly recently. When the visiting grandmother asked what she could do, the new mom told her that washing the bottles and parts would be amazing. Grandma was happy to do it, but the next day, when there were more bottles to be washed, grandma made no move to automatically take care of them and the new mom felt uncomfortable asking. I have no doubt that she would have been happy to keep being the bottle washer, but without effective communication, that didn’t happen.

Recognize that there are some tasks that are fairly constant and try to list them.

Ideally consider doing this before the baby arrives, but it is never too late.

For folks that are not breastfeeding, washing those bottles often tops the list. 

Consider this a menu of ways that people can be useful.

Present it as an option, not a demand.

Here are some things that would be enormously helpful. If there is anything on this list that you would be willing to take on while you are here, we would be so appreciative

Aside from bottles, dishes, laundry, emptying garbage and other household tasks need to be tended to routinely, not just as a one time thing.

If you have gadgets or methods that your ‘assistants’ might not be familiar with, put step by step instructions in writing. Don’t take anything for granted

Try to find your rhythm.

I have gotten into the habit of being down in the kitchen to help Elliot with his breakfast before he heads off to school.

It feels a bit like groundhog day. Now I know that he wants to cut his own cantaloupe, but it is okay if grandma pre-slices the strawberries. With any 3 year old there is a learning curve, and woe unto you if you get it wrong. Now, we have some nice little breakfast rituals going every morning.

We have also figured out that Lauren’s best shot at being able to fall back to sleep for a small stretch is in the morning as soon as EJ is out the door and the house is suddenly quiet. So that is when I try to make sure to have the baby (so delicious) while mama takes a morning nap.

Most people also don’t have a Papa like Sandy who has been on auto-pilot, cleaning the HEPA filters, doing laundry, running errands, and even oiling the squeaky doors of the new house with WD40. He also has taken part in some nightshifts with me and it was his idea to have baby Coby sleep with us a few nights, with me delivering Coby to Lauren for feeding and then bringing him back to our room to sleep. Nights involve lots of singing oldies. It is never too early to get introduced to the Beatles although we found that the length of Bob Dylan songs is most conducive for Coby to fall asleep!

Even if you aren’t up for a full night, remember that even a two hour stretch of being off duty can feel like gold to new parents. Have them conk out at 8pm and you can hold the baby while you watch some mindless tv for several hours until it is time for the next feeding.

Grandparents, savor this time! Especially if you don’t live close by.

New parents, talk about what might be the most helpful for you and if you are lucky enough to have help, share your list. Don’t expect people to be mind readers.

Just in case these aren’t on your radar

Products that Lauren has found helpful:

• Egg light for night time feeds and diaper changes 

• Bag balm  for any diaper rashes

• Tubby Todd Great for dry skin

• Electric nail file

• Silverettes

• Large water bottle for the nursing mom (or water bottles stationed around the house)

• MYLICON ( I should buy stock in the company)

• Alcohol free hand sanitizers all over the place to make it easy for the toddler to ensure that everyone who touches the baby cleans their hands first

• Baby wrap of your choice, but wearing them can be a game changer. Adam likes the nesting days wrap for dads. That is his ‘go-to’ gift for new daddies.

Instagram accounts that she likes

• Milestones.and.motherhood (pediatric PT)

• Karrie_locher (RN, BSN CLC)

• Resilient Rascals (Pediatrician) 

Introducing a new sibling/One plus One may no longer feel like it equals two

 The timing of this post is no coincidence. I am delighted to share that Elliot became a big brother on February 25th……..

You will no doubt be seeing Coby as my newest model for my blog posts.

The first baby….there is nothing quite like it. That little person enters your world and things are never going to be the same.

General handling

With the first one, they seem so fragile and small. Parents learn how to handle them, oh so carefully, making sure to support the head. Allowing a young child to hold them? No way.

With second babies, you might a bit nervous as the oldest clamors  to handle their new family member, but if you are lucky you have someone gentle like Elliot

Third kid? They get scooped up without so much thought.  You get more and more relaxed with each child.

Mama Tamar adds:

As they grow, the distance they travel when they are playfully thrown up in the air is double what it was for their older sibling at that age, as is the breadth they're given at the playground. They climb blissfully on the play structure and are encouraged to jump off things.

Therapist Brittany adds, 

First time parents might explicitly  request no touching/holding of the baby. Second-time parents usually reverse that by explicitly asking someone to help with the toddler or secretly wish someone would ask to hold the baby so they could spend time with their first born. 

Parents with three or more kids are grateful for any help holding the baby or entertaining the older kids. Having any time off is often a rare gift.

Cleanliness

First baby? The world is kept as sterile as possible. Everyone who handles the infant is asked to wash hands thoroughly with warm soap and water.

If a pacifier falls, it needs to be boiled before getting put back in the mouth.

Anyone with any type of congestion is asked to steer clear. 

Second kid? If you are in a hurry, quick pump and swish your hands with some hand sanitizer. The dropped pacifier? That gets wiped on your sleeve (with third baby, perhaps the dog gets to lick it).

Keeping them away from colds and coughs? Good luck with that. If there is a big sibling in daycare or preschool, you have come to the conclusion that the runny nose is a constant. You also realize that there is no way to stop the older brothers and sisters from planting wet kisses all over the baby.

Sleep and schedule

First baby? Schedules are established. Life revolved around nap times.

Second baby?  Naptime? Yeah, right….

Hopefully they can snooze in the car seat or the stroller. There are school drop offs and pickups that you need to deal with. There are playdates, activities and places to go.

Nutrition

With first kids it can be a bit nerve wracking to start solids. Some parents have charts and flowsheets. One food is carefully initiated at a time to make sure there are no allergies and reactions.

Tamar knows folks who fed their kids the first taste of peanut butter while sitting in the parking lot of a hospital just to be on the safe side,

This is more common than you might think but usually it is the first child.

My friend Dee-Dee says her first child didn’t get a grain of sugar during his first year. By the time she had her third, she was buying one pound bags of M&Ms in the supermarket just to keep them quiet.

Attention

The first child knows what it feels like to get undivided attention. 

There is usually a tough transition as they learn to deal with the new reality when they are no longer the only child. 

Ultimately they realize that no one makes the baby smile and laugh quite like they can.

The second (third, fourth,…etc) don’t know enough to miss what they never had. Instead they have the magic of an older sibling.

Tamar says:

My partner’s  mom was so busy as a single parent of two (in the age before cell phone cameras) that there is zero video footage of him as a child.

My mom carefully constructed a book of baby photos for her oldest, but by the time I came around there wasn't time. I made my own baby book. You can imagine the third and fourth - happy memories will just have to suffice. "It was all a blur," she says anytime I ask her anything about my childhood or how she raised us. "A happy blur."

Easing the transition

Some big brothers and sisters are actually eagerly expecting the baby's arrival. Others are too young to really understand what is going on. Regardless, there is a big adjustment to be made. Many parents report that the older siblings are quite sweet to the baby, but act out horribly to the parents. Once in a while, but less often they will also act out towards the baby. One of the nurses who used to work with me remembers the time that her oldest daughter dropped a medicine ball on her new sister. Others have no malice but don't have a sense of how to be gentle.

For some kids, a little ‘big brother or sister gift’ from the baby is often very much appreciated.

Baby Coby got Elliot a little stuffed Minnie Mouse that he had been wanting.

Elliot did ask

“How did he manage to get this?”

but didn’t spend too much time wondering about it, and thanked his brother.

Lauren’s friend Arielle took it a step further. She got the idea from her friend Adia.

Makai became a party planner and planned an entire welcome home/zero birthday party for his sister Lila.

He baked a cake, decorated a sign and had a balloon and a special stuffed animal  waiting for her.

Validate that all emotions are valid. There are just some responses that are more appropriate than others

Here is my Blog post about managing emotions

Name some of the issues:

It is hard and loud when the baby cries

It doesn’t feel good to have to wait for something while I am tending to the baby

It doesn’t seem fair that the baby gets to sleep in mommy's room.

If you can manage, make sure the big sib gets one on one time with each parent. If the baby is in the room, some kids will think that it doesn’t count.

Be creative. Maybe when you are in the kitchen making a meal only the big one can join you in there to be your sous chef. Or if time and space is really at a premium, invite them into the bathroom with you as if it is a privilege.

Let them be helpers. Find some tasks that they can assist with. This can mean getting out the diaper and wipes for a change, or entertaining the baby.

“Look how the baby lets me change him when you are keeping him interested, without your help I would probably get poop everywhere!”

I like to make the big siblings the deputies of the Hand Washing Patrol. Have hand sanitizer such as Purell around. 

Call it magic soap. Tell your ‘deputy’ that they are in charge of making sure that anyone who is going to touch the baby cleans their hands first. This may help make sure that they don't feel like they are constantly being nagged at.

Note about hand sanitizers..If your toddler is prone to putting things in their mouth, you can also get the hand sanitizer that is alcohol free just to be on the safe side.

Be aware that regression behavior is pretty common. 

Suddenly the older kid is interested in drinking from a bottle, talking in baby talk or asking for a pull up

Author Julie King, suggests that you allow your older one to ‘play baby’

Here let’s pretend for a little while. Let me swaddle you, here is a pretend bottle. Now let’s snuggle.

After a bit, they are likely to be done with that game. At that point you can point out that big kids like them are so lucky that they know how to walk, eat real food and use their words. 

Therapist Brittany Williams adds that allowing the older sibling to care for their own stuffed animal/baby doll can help redirect their focus. Rather than feel as if they are missing out, they feel like they have something to tend to, just like their favorite adults. 

Maintaining  as much of your firstborns daily & weekly routine before baby will help them traverse the change with more emotional margin.  

Regardless of how much prep you have done, at some point the majority of new big siblings are likely to suggest that it is time for that baby to be put back in mom’s tummy. This does not mean that you have failed either one of your children. 

 Other considerations

Every kid is different and it takes some longer than others to get used to this new world.

It is also an adjustment for parents! You have been used to having a big, sturdy kid who can tell you what they need. It is suddenly shocking to revert to having a baby who feels so small and can’t really communicate. And that poop!? Is it normal for it to be so squirty? We forget!

One more important thing to keep in mind is that all of your kids will reach their milestones on their own timeline. It doesn't pay to compare them to each other or to the other kids in the play group.

The list of very valid reasons that many families stop at one child is a long one. There are millions of folks who are only children who never missed having a sibling. 

But for those of you who are going through the joys and the challenges of expanding you families, here are some final thoughts…. 

Siblings can be a blessing

My mom was an only child. I can remember her telling me that she never missed having siblings until she was an adult.

In most situations, even if it feels like there is a rough patch at the beginning, remind yourself that giving your kids a sibling is a gift.

Thanks so much to Tamar for introducing me to the following poem. The author is unknown.

Loving Two

As I walk along holding your 2-year-old hand, basking in the glow of our magical relationship. Suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that our time alone is limited. And I wonder: How could I ever love another child as I love you?

Then she is born, and I watch you. I watch the pain you feel at having to share me as you've never shared me before. I hear you telling me in your own way, "Please love only me" And I hear myself telling you in mine,"I can't," knowing, in fact, that I never can again.

You cry. I cry with you. I almost see our new baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once shared. A relationship we can never quite have again.

But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being, and feeling almost guilty. I'm afraid to let you see me enjoying her -- as though I am betraying you.

But then I notice your resentment change, first to curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally to genuine affection.

More days pass, and we are settling into a new routine. The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast. But something else is replacing those wonderful times we shared, just we two.

There are new times -- only now, we are three. I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other. I watch how she adores you -- as I have for so long. I see how excited you are by each of her new accomplishments.

And I begin to realize that I haven't taken something from you, I've given something to you. I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you. I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong

And my question is finally answered, to my amazement. Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you -- only differently.

And although I realize that you may have to share my time, I now know you'll never share my love. There's enough of that for both of you -- you each have your own supply.

I love you -- both. And I thank you both for blessing my life.

Thanks to the valuable contributors to this post. It takes a village

Tamar S is an educator and mother of 2. She was one of the inspirations for this post when she sent me a photo of her second child being held by his feet, upside down.

Julie King is the co-author of two best-selling books: How To Talk So LITTLE Kids Will Listen and How To Talk When Kids Won't Listen, and the app HOW TO TALK: Parenting Tips in Your Pocket. Julie leads online, interactive workshops based on her books, as well as workshops about how to handle the fighting and arguing, and help kids get along. She also consults privately online with parents of kids from tots to teens, and speaks publicly to parent groups and school and business communities. To learn more, visit her website, julieking.org.

Brittany Williams is a wonderful therapist who I was lucky enough to work with during my time at the Oathcare start-up

Dee-Dee S, Tamar’s mom as well as one of my best friends whose wisdom as a mother and grandmother is a gift

Last and certainly not least

My daughter Lauren: She is an extraordinary mommy. She has done it all right so far. Watching EJ welcome home his new brother has been nothing short of amazing

Do you have ideas to share that haven’t been mentioned? I would love to hear about them in the comments