In honor of Father’s Day, I am running two of my most popular posts from the past few years. They are Mr. Nurse Judy’s (aka Sandy) thoughts on his relationships with our daughters. Warning, they had more than one of my readers crying...
Happy Father’s Day!
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2016
In honor of Father’s Day, Nurse Judy has invited me pen this week’s column and share some of my thoughts about why I have, and you the dad can have, the absolutely greatest relationship with your kids through all stages of their lives. I believe that inherently, mothers are more nurturing, protective, overtly emotional, physical, and “maternal” in their instincts, beliefs and behaviors towards their children. But from the moment I first saw Lauren, a day that all who know me recognize as the most impactful day of my life, I knew I was going to give Nurse Judy a run for the money. I, like many of my generation, had an ok relationship with my parents. But it was not the one I wanted with my kids, and that became immediately obvious that day Lauren was born.
I have been called a lot of things over the years. I am frequently referred to as Mr. Nurse Judy. After years of taking our golden retriever to the park up the hill in the afternoon when the local elementary school let out, I became known to a few generations of kindergarteners and first graders as Java’s daddy. I was known as a business executive. But the grandest name I treasure is that of daddy (or father or papa bear or…) Why? Because after building a relationship with Lauren for 28 years, and with Alana for 25 years, I continue to have new and grand experiences with them, experiences that are direct descendants of the beliefs I had in raising them. And now I have a daughter who jumped at the opportunity to go on a daddy/daughter cross country road trip when she left for grad school, where we got to eat yellow (yes, there’s a story there) in Indiana, and simply cross a bridge into Kansas, make a U-turn, leave and say “we’re not in Kansas anymore.” And I have a daughter who is still my roller coaster buddy every August, and is accompanying me on what may be the stupidest thing I ever try – climbing Kilimanjaro. So how did I get here?
First of my early parenting philosophies was simply make time. I’m not talking about the “I’ll play with you when I get home and I’ll read you a bedtime book” type of time. I’m talking about the “take a morning off to hear your 2nd grader say one line in a play; use vacation days to chaperone school outings; play Barbie for hours on end; and supervise a cabin full of 5th grade boys on the school trip” kind of time. A typical dad probably spends more time away from their child than the mom. So take advantage of the time that you can have! As soon as my kids came home from the hospital, I never missed an opportunity to be with them. Each night, when an infant would wake up and cry, I went in. It was pickup and delivery to Judy to nurse them. Judy thinks I was doing this for her but she was just a benefactor. I picked them up, sang softly or told stories to them as I cleaned them up, and then brought them to our room. And then back to their cribs. Every night. We built up quite the relationship. Bath time? That was mine too. Nightly bedtime ritual? Well we both had one. But much of my daughters’ love for the great rock and roll of my youth comes from that time we spent every night. As they became toddlers, every weekend I took them to Miz Brown’s diner in Laurel Village. So Judy could get more sleep? Hmm, ok, but not really. It was completely selfish on my part. Want more time? Be the home that welcomes the gathering of the friends. While perhaps not directly involved in your child’s life at that moment, the benefits are extraordinary in what you get to witness, the welcoming environment you’re modeling for your kids, and the lifetime of relationships with your childrens’ friends, who consider you an extra dad. (2019 update - as a result of that, I will be officiating, for the second time, the wedding of one of my extra daughters!)
Next on my list of dad-parenting beliefs is “don’t look for a reason to say yes; assume that’s the answer, and instead force yourself to look for a reason to say no.” It’s simple but at least for me, it was initially uncomfortable and unnatural. But once I grew comfortable with this practice, it was an epiphany! Saying yes to as much as you can say yes to, is so much easier than saying no. And it has such wonderful benefits. Questioning, exploring, learning, experiencing…and you get to be a cool dad! Talking about going on a family camping trip when you’re asked if they can try camping in the house? Say yes, and set up the tent in the living room, light the fire, roast marshmallows, and sleep in sleeping bags. We can all think of valid reasons not to do this and I’m certain my instinctual reaction was “too much time; too much effort, and then I have to clean it all up and put it away.” But saying no wasn’t going to lead to the magnificent shared family memory we now have 20+ years later, and I certainly don’t remember anything about setting it all up or taking it down. “Dad, can I help?” Of course there are reasons to say no; it will certainly take more time. And you may have to watch your language. Unless it’s urgent, so what? Invite your 3-year-old to crawl under the car with you. Rub some dirt on their nose to make it official! And let them help! “Can I go someplace?”; “can someone sleep over?” Yes. And yes. Unless something is a threat to their health and well-being, be quick with the yes! Might some of these yeses have less than ideal implications to you and your free time? Probably, but that’s not what you’re going to remember! Only after saying yes can you then figure out if there is a “no” reason significant enough to change your mind. The more you say yes, the more they will ask you. As school children. As teenagers. And now as adults.
You will recognize my last pearl of wisdom as a modification of the Peter Pan syndrome. Let them be kids as long as possible! While it may be cliché, as we all know and live every day, once that’s gone, it’s gone forever, and I know that I, and maybe you, wish you could get it back! So don’t take it away from them. Don’t be in such a hurry to “help” them see things as you see them, through adult eyes and perceptions. They are emotionally, physically, and intellectually naïve – it's a wonderful time so don’t rush to take that away from them. In fact, for a truly wonderful relationship, force yourself to see the world as they do! That’s why I once found a pet/fish store open till midnight so I could go out and replace the fish that had died when Lauren was asleep (and yes, I brought the dead fish with me to try to get a match!) Of course she would have to learn to deal with the death of a beloved pet, and eventually beloved humans. But she didn’t have to learn about it that day, and it let her be a kid a little bit longer.
Don’t try to explain why work is so busy, that you need to do it to pay the bills that benefit them, and thus you don’t have time to play Chutes and Ladders for the 5th time in the past 2 hours. Instead, see it through their filters – why would anyone want to deal with things that are drudgery and frustrating when you can have fun playing a grand game? They didn’t ask to be your child – you decided to make them your child. I hope that decision was made with an appreciation for the fact that this responsibility instantly became the single greatest responsibility you have ever undertaken. The consequences of that decision are literally life changing for all involved. If it’s not your greatest responsibility, then something’s awry and you will miss out on immeasurable joy.
In the summer of 1988, my family of 3 (Lauren was 1) was invited to a swimming party at the home of my then senior VP. He had 4 adult daughters. While everyone was subtly vying for his attention, I spent the greater part of the day with Lauren in the pool. Late in the afternoon, the VP’s wife found me and pulled me aside to tell me that her husband had spent much of the day watching us play in the pool. Why? As she explained, he had been the wonderful corporate soldier. Moved all around the country when he was asked to. Frequently travelling. Successfully moved up to senior VP of one of the world’s largest companies. And she told me that if he had to do it all again, he would rather have spent the time in the pool with his daughters, because now he was here, envying me and the relationship I was already building with my child. Over the course of my career, I was often asked to make those same sacrifices, but by then I had already learned my golden rule – I worked to live; not lived to work. And while I had a satisfying and rewarding career, I never reached for those corporate stars that were dangled in front of me. Because one day I was hoping that I would have the type of relationship with my children that allows me to eat yellow with one of them, and climb a mountain with the other.
Part 2
2017
I want to thank you all for the kind comments I received after last year’s post about my wonderful relationship with my children, a relationship that continues to get better, even now as I close in on the end of my 6th decade of life, and my daughters near the end of their 3rd decade. It is a role that is paramount to me, and I refuse to let time and distance interfere with my efforts to continually improve it. So far, I think I’ve been pretty successful, and the rewards are immeasurable. Certainly it’s a lot easier when they are young, living in your home, and “need” you to be involved in their lives. But the foundation you create early for how you want that relationship to be makes it a lot easier to enable it to grow, flourish and blossom at any stage of life, even now as they establish their own lives, careers, and relationships.
I want to make clear that I have no special training or educational background in this area. What follows are simply my own philosophies about fatherhood; you may disagree with some or all of them. But this is what has worked for me and I cannot really imagine a father with a better relationship with his adult kids than I !
So first an update on my relationship with my daughters. At this time last year, Lauren and I were weeks away from traveling to Tanzania for the challenge of a lifetime. AND WE DID IT!!! We summitted Kilimanjaro on the morning of July 19th, an absolutely grueling climb that took me to the very limits of physical, intellectual, and emotional endurance. In fact, I couldn’t have done it without Lauren’s support, and I was quick to make sure she knew that. We spent two weeks together in very close quarters, most of that time unwashed, extremely sleep deprived, and cold. Summit temperature was 24 below zero! The only cross words that were exchanged were over a misplaced towel (I both misplaced it and spouted those cross words!) I never want to face an ordeal like that again!! At least not until April 2018 when we climb to the base camp on Mt. Everest! See – the relationship just keeps giving!
If you are an avid reader of Nurse Judy’s blog, you may remember that when she was in grade school, Alana ended every night by telling one of us all about her day…in exquisite, and often lengthy, detail! The big, the little; the important and the minutiae. Well, more than 20 years later, I get to do that with her all over again. Every day. And I look forward to it and resent it when another friend has a need for Alana’s time! After obtaining her MSW last June, Alana is now a practicing therapist in a community mental health center in Michigan. She has about a 30-minute commute in each direction and on her car ride home, I get to keep her company!!!! And we talk all about our respective days. The time flies past and she is home before we both know it, but not without each of us learning a little bit more about something in each of our lives. What I have primarily leaned is that her counseling clients are the luckiest people in the world because they have Alana as their therapist. I listen in wonder and respect as I get to share in the progress they make dealing with the issues that brought them to her in the first place. She is changing lives on a daily basis and I get to be the fly on the wall. I am overjoyed that she still wants to spend that time of her day with me. I frequently tell her that I am in awe of what she is doing and remind her that she has to take the time to sit back and reflect on that also, and not just move on to the next client… which brings me to my first point of this year’s father’s day recommendations for building that relationship with your children:
Find reasons to be proud, and praise them whenever you can!
From the first time they can lift their head by themselves, to the first crawl, to standing up, and that first use of the potty, let them hear your voice filled with pride and encouragement. Let it become ingrained in them that you are their number 1 supporter, for both the little and big accomplishments in life. As I mentioned last year, that’s why I took a day off of work to go see a VERY shy 2ndgrade Alana (right now, all her friends are saying “who the heck are you talking about?”) get up on stage just to say one line in a play; it was a grand small accomplishment that deserved to be recognized. When younger, even though they can’t understand the words, they can hear and feel the sentiment in your voice, and for the rest of their lives, that sound will provide great sources of satisfaction and comfort, and it will provide a lifetime of encouragement for future exploration. Now, I am not one of those in favor of participation trophies and I am not saying that everything they do should get this level of exuberance. But be generous with the praise, especially in their formative years. This brings me to my next recommendation:
Value the efforts too, not just the successes!
There is an old saying that good judgement comes from experience; experience comes from bad judgement! It is a cycle that cannot be completed without falling down. So let them fall down, but don’t bemoan the failure; commend the attempt, and any part of the effort that will help them gain “good judgement” next time. It is quite easy for children to focus on your critical evaluation of whatever it is they are attempting, while underappreciating the praise you may simultaneously be conveying. For example, if you’re trying to teach them to throw a ball, don’t focus on the fact that the ball landed by their feet. Appreciate that there are things they may simply be incapable of at any given age. It’s up to you to understand that, not them, so focus on the things that they can do well (gripping the ball, placing the feet, shifting the weight…) and celebrate these building blocks that will one day end up in those ultimate tasks being that much easier, and enjoyable! Simply focusing on the failure of achieving the end result will certainly lead to frustration, and possibly anger and resentment.
It's ok to be wrong. In fact, it’s good! Admit it, and apologize!
It is sad when I see a parent who either insists they are never wrong, or twists circumstances to make it seem that they were not wrong in a specific situation. It’s very easy to play that mental game with a child in an effort to demonstrate that you always know what’s best, or think you will be respected because you are always right. Satisfied that you out-strategized a child in this mental arena? Get over it; it’s not that hard. And it’s not that smart. I (and I think my daughters would agree,) created some of our most profoundly important relationship building moments by admitting I was wrong about something, and apologizing for it. Think about it – is there anything more empowering to your young child than having a person in a position of authority implicitly say to them “I not only heard you but I really listened to what you had to say. I thought about it with all my years of advanced experience, education, and knowledge, and I realized that you were right and I was wrong.” Trust, confidence, consideration, kindness, communication…. there are innumerable benefits to acknowledging your own fallibility to your child! And it tells them it’s OK to be fallible too! You don’t expect/need/want perfection, and they don’t have to live up to that standard. And it teaches them that being wrong is a part of life, not something to be defensive about, and can be dealt with responsibly and respectfully.
Tolerance!
I mentioned above that you should “appreciate that there are things they may simply be incapable of at any given age. It’s up to you to understand that, not them…” You must accept very early on that you are incapable of thinking like a child, nor they as an adult. Kind of like the “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” paradigm, you and your children speak the same language, live in the same environment, are familiar with the same behavioral mannerisms, yet you have such different frames of reference, experiences, emotions, intellect…that at times it will seem to each of you that the other is speaking a foreign language. And you are!! It is so very easy at those times to get frustrated, and even worse, angry. But it is unrealistic for you to expect them to be able to think, analyze, and express themselves at the level you do. They don’t have your emotional and intellectual development and it is unfair to simply use your advanced capabilities as the measure of their intent. When you feel that coming on, take a break, remind yourself of this, and try your best to see things as they do. You most surely won’t completely succeed, but every little bit of empathy you can muster will bridge that gap just a little. It’s also never a bad idea to voice this self-realization; let them know that you are consciously aware that you are cross communicating and invite them to help think about how each of you can get your respective thoughts out. They’ll develop patience, compassion and problem solving skills!
Establish ground rules for how to disagree!
My girls and I had a very useful rule – we weren’t allowed to go to sleep mad! The rest of the argument or disagreement could proceed along its natural course, but ultimately it had to end at this rule. It was really quite simple in its effectiveness since it forced (encouraged?) us to resolve our differences. There were times long after bedtime that one of them would either come out of their room to say “I’m still mad” or amusingly, would slip notes under our door detailing the issue (Alana was the talker; Lauren the writer!) This led to frequent comical exchanges of notes going back and forth under each other’s doors but it was such an easily understood rule that it almost always worked! The key though is to take it to heart! As my brother-in-law sometimes says “gravity, it’s not just a good idea, it’s the law.” My daughters and I made this a law, and if one of us was “violating” the law by claiming fatigue, or anger, or issue complexity, or…etc., the other party was free to demand that we follow the law, sometimes leading to late nights and missed bedtimes! But always successful resolutions of the issue. And guess what? Most of what I have written about here represents the philosophies that I tried to use to help make sure each day ended on a happy note.
Happy father’s day to all. See you next year when we get back from Everest!
Update 2019
Last year, Sandy had more milestones and amazing experiences with our daughters.
Two weeks after I broke my right arm last winter, Alana decided that she wanted to be just like mom. She slipped on some ice and broke her left arm. Sandy caught a red-eye flight that night so he could be with her for the surgery she would need. He knew she was frightened and that his orthopedic experiences (5 surgeries) would serve her well! The change in her demeanor was instant when she realized daddy would be there. This was a week prior to his scheduled big trek with Lauren.
On April 2nd, my birthday, I got a call from Lauren and Sandy from Everest Base Camp! They had an epic adventure. For those of you considering climbing mountains, the 38 hour summit day on Kilimanjaro was the single most challenging day of either of their lives, while the Everest trek was more difficult on the whole. But they did it! And on Lauren's wedding day, outdoors on a chilly San Francisco August evening, Lauren was quite cold while we walked her down the aisle. So Sandy turned to her and whispered "Just remember, it was 24 below zero on the summit of Kilimanjaro!" Her reply - "Not helping dad!"
And since Alana was returning permanently to San Francisco from Ann Arbor in August, he and she did another cross-country road trip, exploring the Black Hills of South Dakota, the Badlands, Mt. Rushmore, Yellowstone, the Grand Tetons, and more, singing and laughing their whole way across.
