Nurse Judy the Mom

How many of us feel inadequate when we look at other parents who appear to be super mom or super dad. These magical beings seem to manage to handle whatever life throws at them with ease? They never ever make a mistake or lose their temper. Their children think they are perfect. Um, not likely. What you may see on the outside is not always accurate. As a Mother’s Day gift to you and I going to share an inside look at Nurse Judy the mom, including the story of one of my more epic 'mommy fails'. For the most part, I am blessed and my kids have made it easy for me to look pretty good. The truth is though, that we all have our moments. If you ask my daughters for the lamest mommy stories, I certainly have my fair share of times that I did something that they didn’t appreciate or a time I embarrassed them. Lauren recalls an incident at a zoo night when she was around five that still makes her grimace. That evening there were costumed characters roaming around the zoo dressed as animals. Some had instruments. “Mommy, I dare you to ask that Lion to sing 'The Lion sleeps tonight'” Dare me? Silly girl. The Lion’s response was, “Only if you sing with me” Much to Lauren’s chagrin, the guitar toting Lion and I created a lovely duet of Weem-a-Wopping ‘In the Jungle’ as we wandered all through the zoo. I think the only time I actually embarrassed Alana was the first time I discovered Lemon Drop Martini's at a friends Bat Mitzvah Party and danced the night away with a large group of tipsy moms. Those things are dangerous! There was also the time that Lauren and I were practicing our karate moves. She practiced some punches on me and then it was my turn. She had a pillow up to her belly for protection but wasn’t standing properly, I did my move and she went flying across the living room. I was horrified. She was furious. Moral of the story, check your stance. But the hands down winner is the time I drugged Lauren and then put her on a horse. We were doing a family vacation up at the Russian River and scheduled a horse back riding session at beautiful Armstrong Redwood state park. My girls and I could count the number of times that we had been up on a horse. Sandy, the New York City boy, was actually an experienced rider. Lauren had a mild cold and her allergies were bugging her, so I gave her a little something to help dry her up and we were off on our adventure. We were in a guided group along some pretty steep trails. Lauren’s horse had a mind of his own and didn’t want to stay with the others. To compound things, Lauren was feeling really quite out of it and was having a hard time staying awake. Sandy held back on his own horse to make sure she didn’t get left behind. She managed to keep it together for the several hours, but just barely. She could barely keep her eyes open. I was concerned that she was really coming down with something worse than a cold. When we got back to our cabin, I figured out what the problem was. I had not taken the time to read the box and had grabbed and given her the nighttime cold/ cough medicine instead of the daytime one. The poor girl was sedated! Since fortunately she didn't fall off the horse, we can laugh about it now. I promise that I never did anything so careless moving forward. Trust me. Most parents have done some dumb stuff, the photos on Instagram are usually just showing the better moments. If you are human, take it easy on yourself as long as you gather wisdom and learn lessons. We all have fairly different parenting styles. Alana (who I never punched across the room) generously offered to let me share a glimpse of mine. Because I actually kept (and still keep) a journalof milestones, I recently reread the letter that I had written to her as she left for college. She was the baby moving out. This was a big milestone for me as well. I did need to make some mild edits and I have some explanations at the bottom for some of the more cryptic references. Warning This letter is not rated G. Oh Goodness….Dear little Pooh of mine, How is it possible that it is time for the ….letter. Just a blink ago you were my sleeping, spitty, very large baby. First of all, you know (but I will tell you anyway) how very proud I am of you. I must have done something very wonderful and you are my reward. There is no one quite like you. You are a magical person. You never lose a friend, you just keep collecting them. You are fun to be with. You are kind. You are smart. You are wise beyond your years. Of course, no doubt, that is partly due to me (mommy takes a bow.) We will now review the mommy theories of life. The PIE theory You know the pie theory very well. So we will simply discuss its relevance now. Your pie is changing more drastically than it ever has before. You have pieces shrinking and other pieces dramatically growing. Brush off that student piece please…it has been fallow. Create a brand new…”let's do some laundry piece” Just be aware that huge pie shifts are exhausting…if life seems overwhelming for a bit it is perfectly natural as the pieces settle into place and you achieve a new balance. (My pieces will be shifting as well, but my mommy piece is always available to be a large as you need it to be) The Stress Point theory Everything in life causes some amount of stress. Obviously some things have way more stress points than others. Sometimes, though even the littlest thing can tip the scale and move you from mild stress to moderate stress or to completely stressed out (otherwise known as the straw that broke the camel's back.) Starting anything new is worthy of plenty of stress points. Make sure you get enough sleep, especially at first!! Sex, Drugs, Rock and Roll Sex Make good choices…I do not expect you to remain a virgin until you are 30. That would actually be most unfortunate, Just make sure that anything you do is something you will feel good about. You are worth a lot. Condoms are an unfortunate fact of life until you are in a committed relationship. Frankly I would insist that an experienced partner be tested before I did anything   *(remember the lollipop story) okay fine…let's quickly move on... Parting words, remember that you can always talk to me about anything and Lauren, I am sure is another fine resource if you want to bounce something off of someone other than your mom (even though she is remarkably cool.)   Drugs easy….just say no, Actually just be smart and safe. Alcohol is a drug, and lemon drops taste good…be careful. If you do drink a bit too much, the body can get dehydrated as well as hypoglycemic. Orange juice and graham crackers are good things to eat/drink. Remember: Vomiting all night… Not fun! Know your limit Rock and Roll That’s fine, just don’t start liking country or rap Relationships Remember that relationships are learning stations. You will learn what it feels like to dump someone, you will possibly learn what it feels like to be dumped (or at the very least lied to.) You will learn what characteristics you like in a partner and what things you don’t want to put up with. Never regret anything. Cherish the good memories learn from the bad ones and move on. And the very new theory…men are like shoes Some you try on (have them tested first…just kidding; second thought not kidding…do it.) Some you buy Some are comfy, Some just look good, Some will give you blisters if you wear them too long, Some get tight but can be stretched out and worn in (This works doesn’t it!!!) Happy shopping QUICK LIST French onion soup on a first date is probably not a good idea if you want to impress Check your blind spot Floss Use sunscreen Take viactiv Don’t get a job where you need to wear a stupid hat No reality shows (sorry I know this is a tough one) Optical illusions When you get in a disagreement with someone, remember that life is often like an optical illusion, People see what they see, and know what they know. There are indeed white arrows there, but they can’t see the black arrows as hard as they look. (Or they can only see the young lady and can’t see the old crone) Always try to see both images and feel sorry for those obstinate folks that simply can’t Honesty People lie all the time. They think it makes life easier. Lies are heavy to carry around and they often get complicated. It is wonderfully freeing to just tell the truth. It might be difficult for someone to hear, but oh well, they just have to deal. Don’t lie Psychic stuff Know the difference between the good spirits (which hover around you), the confused spirits (that you tend to encounter) and really icky things (that hopefully you never need to deal with.) Call upon those good ones to just weave the golden web around you whenever you feel the need. You are fairly powerful, keep learning to control it. Encounters with the strange and wonderful (real people…not ghosts) You don’t have a prayer actually. You attract the odd, the strange and yes the wonderful…Both your grandmothers and your mom have passed that lovely gene directly down to you. May you always have fun, and great stories, but be wise and know that it is better to be safe than to have a good scary adventure story to tell. Great saying Love many Trust Few Always paddle your own canoe Easy Mitzvah Call or email your Grandparents. Bambi If the deer discover the magic of Alana (hey all other animals do) don’t feed them, and learn to check your body head to toe for deer ticks. They are tiny and black and look like raised freckles, you can check your scalp by just running your hands through your hair and feeling, you would feel a raised bump (..I bet lots of moms send their kids with letters, perhaps mine is the only one with tick advice?) Have a blast Carpe diem! Seize the day! You are about to start a great adventure. Enjoy every moment! Stop and look at the sunsets! Never ignore a “good sky”. Savor the gorgeous place you are in, Oceans, Redwoods, Deer, Brunch….How lucky are you?!?! I love and adore you. Mommy ************************************************************************************ Here are some further explanations to help make sense of things Lollipop story There was a story on the news about a teacher who ultimately was fired for an unorthodox approach to teaching about safe sex. He had started the class licking and sucking on a lollipop. After a few moments of this he told the class he was going to pass it around and have everyone in the class take a few licks and keep passing it around. The students all made expressions of disbelief and disgust. He went on to point out the obvious parallels of unprotected sex. I was happy to share this with my teenage daughters. Psychic stuff I come from a family where it is hard to to find rational explanations for the oddities and coincidences that abound. Whatever it is, Alana has it in spades, Lauren has managed to avoid it so far. Mitzvah A mitzvah is a good deed and I did my share of nagging to make sure my kids made a point of reaching out to their grandparents. I am proud to say that they were pretty good about it, and probably didn’t need quite the amount of nudging that I did. Bambi/ Deer Alana was at UC Santa Cruz, the day we dropped her off, there was a deer standing in front of her dorm as if he was waiting to welcome her. She is an animal magnet; my warning not to pet the deer was necessary. Ten years after this letter, Alana has still never lost a friend and continues to collect them.