Feeling stressed out? Welcome to the club!
These days many people are experiencing a lot of anxiety/stress/guilt (fill in your pesky emotion of choice here). We often don’t need to look very hard to find triggers. Just turn on the news.
If you have moments of feeling overwhelmed, you are not alone. Let me assure you that you are, in fact, in the large majority. It is actually the rare being who is sailing along without a care in the world.
My daughter Alana is a mental health therapist here in San Francisco. Her advice is to give yourself permission to feel all of your emotions to the fullest. As she puts it, invite those feelings in for tea, just don’t let them overstay their welcome. At this little tea party, when you are ready, request the presence of your problem solving brain to join you at the table.
The first thing I will have you do is to remind yourself that there are some things that are within your control and some that are not. It is essential to be able to identify which is which:
Things Out of our control
Others being kind
Others being honest
Others forgiving us
Who likes us
The family we were born into
The color of our skin
Past mistakes
Pandemics
Natural disasters
Death
Taxes
Power hungry dictators
Other people making poor choices
Family members who believe in conspiracy theories
Things that are in our control
Being kind
Being honest
Being grateful for the good things in our lives
Friends we choose
Taking care of ourselves
Working hard
Apologizing
Asking for help
How we respond to others
What we do in our free time
Volunteering our time (if you have a surplus)
Donating to a worthy cause (if your own needs are met)
Seeking out joy
Voting
Taking common sense health precautions
Problem solving your situation. Identifying and taking that first step.
Of course feel free to add to either list. The key is to shift your focus to the things where you have some agency.
Second, let’s evaluate your stress level.
My kids grew up having to deal with all of mom’s theories. This ‘stress theory’ is one of the classics. It is loosely based on something called the Holmes and Rahe stress measurement tool
Is there a water bottle or tea cup nearby? Take a look at it; imagine that you are that container. It is not transparent so you can not easily see how much liquid is inside.
Now imagine that elements of your life are varying amounts of fluid. Every aspect of your life adds liquid to the bottle. Good things and bad things can all contribute to the amount of stress.
There are 3 levels that would correspond to mild, moderate or high stress. Obviously the more fluid in the bottle, the higher the stress level.
Some amount of stress is perfectly normal and it just means you are living!
Certain things may add a few ounces, others only a tiny drop (drops can add up!) Being chronically short staffed at work? An illness in the family? Planning a wedding? Moving? Considering a job change? Having a baby? These big ones can fill your container right up before you notice.
We generally don’t pay too much attention to how full our bottle is until it is near the top. As I mentioned, the smallest drop, something that normally you could handle with no problem, can move you from one level to the next.
If you are near the top, it may make the entire bottle overflow.
This is the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back. Are you crying because you burnt your toast? Your partner left dishes in the sink? You got honked at for sitting an extra second once the light turned green? A co-worker directed their grumpiness at you?
Take a moment to figure out what is going on that has your bottle so full that the littlest thing can set you off. Make a mental list of all the things that are filling up your bottle. Write them down if that is helpful.
There is often some validation when you recognize how much all the things you are dealing with pile up. This can help make sense of why you feel like you want to curl up and ‘ugly cry’ on the shower floor.
Alana shares this exercise with her clients. One of them really took it to heart and came up with the term “dump the cup.” In other words, are there things that can lower the level (don’t underestimate the power of those tears in the bathroom) ?
What can you do to dump out your container a bit? Arrange a little time for yourself? Take a walk? Find a pet to snuggle? Have the perfect cup of tea? Communicate what you are feeling to your support system? Sometimes just getting things down in writing is a good start.
Everyone who you interact with has their own stress level. It is good to keep that in mind when someone seems to be ‘overreacting’. If someone is in pain, or frustrated about something going on in their life, they are going to have a harder time staying calm.
Toddlers might just be hungry!
You may be running with the pack if you are experiencing extra stress, but you are quite unique in how different things might impact you. People react to different stressors in different ways. Something that drives you nuts, might slide right off of the back of your partner and vice versa.
As this old saying goes:
“The same boiling water that softens the potato will harden an egg”
Some people are much more sensitive to lack of sleep or being constantly interrupted while others just roll with it.
Some people are frantic if the house hasn’t been vacuumed, while others couldn’t care less and will get to it when they get to it.
The key is figuring out how YOU tick. What adds stress and what eases things.
The third aspect
Try to stay grounded in the present.
Is part of your stress from guilt or regret from recent decisions or actions?
Did you decide to go out to dinner with friends and now you have covid? Is your toddler parroting some colorful language that they picked up from your frustrating drive home yesterday?
Here is an important public service announcement (and one of my husband’s favorite pieces of wisdom he would regularly impart to his employees):
“You can’t manage the past”
Rather than doing the woulda shoulda coulda dance, don’t spend your energy there. Instead learn any lessons and move on.
In closing, one of my mom’s favorite adages was:
“It is what it is and you do the best you can” In other words, don’t be too hard on yourself!
She also had the premise that when she was feeling blue, she would get up, brush her hair and put on some lipstick. Just those simple actions could change the trajectory and give her a better outlook.
I hope one or all of these little tools can help you find your footing.
The desire to treat things as naturally as possible, combined with data and a large dollop of common sense. Feeling stressed out? Welcome to the club! These days many people are experiencing a lot of anxiety/stress/guilt (fill in your pesky emotion of choice here). We often don’t need to look very hard to find triggers. Just turn on the news. Thanks for reading Nurse Judy’s Substack! Subscribe for free to receive new posts If you have moments of feeling overwhelmed, you are not alone. Let me assure you that you are, in fact, in the large majority. It is actually the rare being who is sailing along without a care in the world. My daughter Alana is a mental health therapist here in San Francisco. Her advice is to give yourself permission to feel all of your emotions to the fullest. As she puts it, invite those feelings in for tea, just don’t let them overstay their welcome. At this little tea party, when you are ready, request the presence of your problem solving brain to join you at the table. The first thing I will have you do is to remind yourself that there are some things that are within your control and some that are not. It is essential to be able to identify which is which: Things Out of our control
Things that are in our control
Of course feel free to add to either list. The key is to shift your focus to the things where you have some agency. Second, let’s evaluate your stress level. My kids grew up having to deal with all of mom’s theories. This ‘stress theory’ is one of the classics. It is loosely based on something called the Holmes and Rahe stress measurement tool Is there a water bottle or tea cup nearby? Take a look at it; imagine that you are that container. It is not transparent so you can not easily see how much liquid is inside. Now imagine that elements of your life are varying amounts of fluid. Every aspect of your life adds liquid to the bottle. Good things and bad things can all contribute to the amount of stress. There are 3 levels that would correspond to mild, moderate or high stress. Obviously the more fluid in the bottle, the higher the stress level. Some amount of stress is perfectly normal and it just means you are living! Certain things may add a few ounces, others only a tiny drop (drops can add up!) Being chronically short staffed at work? An illness in the family? Planning a wedding? Moving? Considering a job change? Having a baby? These big ones can fill your container right up before you notice. We generally don’t pay too much attention to how full our bottle is until it is near the top. As I mentioned, the smallest drop, something that normally you could handle with no problem, can move you from one level to the next. If you are near the top, it may make the entire bottle overflow. This is the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back. Are you crying because you burnt your toast? Your partner left dishes in the sink? You got honked at for sitting an extra second once the light turned green? A co-worker directed their grumpiness at you? Take a moment to figure out what is going on that has your bottle so full that the littlest thing can set you off. Make a mental list of all the things that are filling up your bottle. Write them down if that is helpful. There is often some validation when you recognize how much all the things you are dealing with pile up. This can help make sense of why you feel like you want to curl up and ‘ugly cry’ on the shower floor. Alana shares this exercise with her clients. One of them really took it to heart and came up with the term “dump the cup.” In other words, are there things that can lower the level (don’t underestimate the power of those tears in the bathroom) ? What can you do to dump out your container a bit? Arrange a little time for yourself? Take a walk? Find a pet to snuggle? Have the perfect cup of tea? Communicate what you are feeling to your support system? Sometimes just getting things down in writing is a good start. Everyone who you interact with has their own stress level. It is good to keep that in mind when someone seems to be ‘overreacting’. If someone is in pain, or frustrated about something going on in their life, they are going to have a harder time staying calm. Toddlers might just be hungry! You may be running with the pack if you are experiencing extra stress, but you are quite unique in how different things might impact you. People react to different stressors in different ways. Something that drives you nuts, might slide right off of the back of your partner and vice versa. As this old saying goes: “The same boiling water that softens the potato will harden an egg” Some people are much more sensitive to lack of sleep or being constantly interrupted while others just roll with it. Some people are frantic if the house hasn’t been vacuumed, while others couldn’t care less and will get to it when they get to it. The key is figuring out how YOU tick. What adds stress and what eases things. The third aspect Try to stay grounded in the present. Is part of your stress from guilt or regret from recent decisions or actions? Did you decide to go out to dinner with friends and now you have covid? Is your toddler parroting some colorful language that they picked up from your frustrating drive home yesterday? Here is an important public service announcement (and one of my husband’s favorite pieces of wisdom he would regularly impart to his employees): “You can’t manage the past” Rather than doing the woulda shoulda coulda dance, don’t spend your energy there. Instead learn any lessons and move on. In closing, one of my mom’s favorite adages was: “It is what it is and you do the best you can” In other words, don’t be too hard on yourself! She also had the premise that when she was feeling blue, she would get up, brush her hair and put on some lipstick. Just those simple actions could change the trajectory and give her a better outlook. I hope one or all of these little tools can help you find your footing.
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