The Pie Theory of Life |
Here is an update of one of my top ten favorite posts. In honor of all of the parents who have kids heading off to college, I am updating one of my favorite posts. The Pie Theory of life The "pie theory" got its inception many years ago. For a number of years when my kids were much younger, I was the Parent Association president at their elementary school. It took an inordinate amount of my spare time, including meetings several times a week. On many levels it was rewarding being so involved but I assure you, I was delighted to pass the reins when my stint was over. Though I was really genuinely relieved to have my time back, I felt off balance by all the sudden free time in my schedule, and at first I couldn't figure out why I was so unsettled. I finally realized that although the new empty hours were welcome, they had created a bit of a vacuum. I filled it quickly (started taking up karate a few evenings a week), but it was right around that transition period that the "pie theory" helped me make sense of things. Imagine that your identity is a circle (or whole pie). Who you are is divided into many pieces; some pieces are large, some small, some temporary. Some are constants that are with you life long, some are optional, some are good for your soul, while still others are energy sappers that give you little in return. Are you:
The list goes on and on. What activities make up your day, your week, your month, your year? What pieces make up your pie? Take a few moments to figure it out. Get a piece of paper and a working pen (if you can find one) and create your pie. It's interesting to think how you can be identified in different ways by the various pieces of pie. Many folks recognize me as Nurse Judy. More than once I have actually looked at a rash, or given advice from a restaurant table (as my patient husband rolls his eyes.) There was a time years ago when I came to work one day and saw a construction worker on the roof of a neighboring building. He looked awfully familiar and I was struggling to place him; was he a parent from the practice? Someone from school? I could see that he recognized me as well; we kept looking at each other and a moment passed. I could see that he had figured it out first. He gave a big grin and called out "Ahoy there Java's mom!" Of course! I ran into him several times a week with his pack of dogs when I walked my dog Java. Not only did being a dog owner dictate my daily schedule and get me out walking rain or shine, it also included me as a member of a distinct social network in the neighborhood for many years. All the dog owners knew each other by sight and all the dogs by name. Being "Java's mom" was a wonderful piece of my "pie" for 12 years. If you are a pet owner, that piece has a very special place allotted to it. Your pie is finite. You can only do and be so much, as there are only so many hours in the day. Some folks have too many things competing for time and attention, and figuring out which pieces can be compressed can be quite stressful. Sometimes we make poor choices. For busy working parents this might be a foreign concept, but some folks don't actually have enough pieces to begin to fill the shell. A big empty pie can be just as unsettling as a full one. Have you ever noticed that when you are super busy you can manage to get through an entire to-do list very efficiently? On the other hand, on a quiet day you may have only one or two things on the list but somehow nothing gets done. A healthy pie has plenty of interesting pieces that can grow and shrink according to your needs. The more forgiving and elastic the pieces, the easier time you will have finding a good balance. Your pie will naturally change from year to year, but some changes are enormous. Some people are comfortable having a very crowded pie, while others are quite fine and happy doing nothing at all. Part of this is figuring out what your ideal is, and working towards that. Any large sudden changes to your pie will make you feel unsettled, way less so if you have a glimmer of what is going on; hence this theory. Both of my daughters have taken this to heart. When there is a large shift in your pieces my girls and I refer to this as "pie disequilibrium." Common culprits might include: Event planner: Folks planning a wedding or large event can spend months dealing with all the fun details. When the event is over, that planner piece is gone, your pie has a gap. Caregiver: Folks that spend much of their time and energy tending to someone else’s needs might find themselves suddenly with a large vacuum when that person is gone or no longer needs them. Parent: Huge life changes will create seismic shifts. Nothing will ever match the enormous transitions that take place when you add the parent piece to your pie. My best advice to you as you shuffle all your pie pieces and see how things fit comfortably is to identify pieces that need to be protected so that they don't get too small. As your children grow up it can be a tough adjustment when they are no longer quite as dependent. (don't worry, they still love you.) Luckily this happens in stages. Kindergarten...a full day of school...college. Parents who have the "parent piece" taking up the entire pie may feel a twinge when their kids don't need them in quite the same capacity. You will also find that your role vastly changes when school is in or out of session. DO NOT IGNORE YOUR PARTNER! Protect that piece. Get creative and make sure that you have time for the two of you; have some moments being a couple. DO NOT IGNORE YOUR OWN NEEDS! Being the best parent that you can be includes living by example. Let your kids have parents that are multifaceted and not consumed by any one thing (be that parenting or a job.) Even simple things can impact your pie more than you might expect such as: Sports Fan: If you closely follow a team, you might find some emptiness during the off season. Actor: Before she was a mom, my daughter Lauren had to learn how to deal with the extra time that appears after a show run is over. If you are feeling out of balance take a look and see if you can figure it out. Best of luck finding a balanced, interesting, and fulfilling pie! |
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