Identifying and Managing your emotions |
“Anything that's human is mentionable, and anything that is mentionable can be more manageable. When we can talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary. The people we trust with that important talk can help us know that we are not alone.” Fred Rogers When my kids were younger and we went out to a restaurant, one of our favorite activities was the ‘act out the emotion game’. The girls would hold a napkin over their face and we would take turns calling out a feeling. They would lift the napkin and show us their corresponding facial expression. Mad, sad, scared, excited, curious, happy, goofy... the lifted napkin would unveil a dramatic interpretation of the chosen emotion. Nearby tables were probably looking on and wondering what on earth we were doing. At the time, I am not sure that I recognized that this ‘waiting for the food to come out’ activity had potential therapeutic value. At OathCare, our founding mental health therapist Brittany Williams and I have many conversations with families about managing emotions. Teaching people to learn to identify, acknowledge and get comfortable with what they are feeling is necessary before they can figure out how to go a step further and actually manage the emotion. This naming and recognizing emotions is the first stop on our journey to understanding something called emotional intelligence. This is a basic building block when it comes to handling so many different aspects of parenthood. Brittany shares All emotions, pleasant and unpleasant, are energy-in-motion in our bodies. Knowing this simple fact can help children and adults not get swept away in the current of our emotions. Emotional intelligence (EI/EQ) is defined as a person’s ability to understand and manage their emotional experience as well as recognize and influence the emotions of others around you. Simply put, EI is human energy management. There are 5 core elements of EI: 1. Self-Awareness 2. Self-Regulation 3. Internal motivation 4. Empathy 5. Social Ages 1-4: Children at this age are still very young and pre-literate. It is normal for them to express themselves physically because they do not usually possess the capacity to express themselves verbally. This is often when parents first appreciate just how hard it is for us to remain self-regulated while teaching our children about emotional skills. As parents, one of our biggest duties to our children is to help them cultivate EI. However, our capacity to manage our own emotions doesn’t magically appear or become automated while we teach this skill to our children. We can help ourselves by having realistic expectations for what is within our child’s developmental capacity for emotional regulation. Ages 5-10: Children of elementary school age are in need of the same social-emotional support from parents as younger children. The difference hinges on how (the tools) you use to teach and model EI. Children at this age can use body movement (dancing), art (collaborate and make a comic strip together that depicts how they feel), mindfulness activities (intentional breathing, yoga) and will be able to use appropriate emotional words to convey how they feel i.e. sad, mad, happy, confused, invisible, etc. whereas younger children may only be able to point to a face that shows sadness or say they feel blue. Ages 11-18: Children at the middle and highschool ages begin to be more introspective and logical when it comes to emotions. Likewise, it is age appropriate for kids at this stage of development to explore their capacity to emotionally distance themselves from their parents. It’s important that the messages and behavior from parents/caretakers is congruent. Meaning, you do not want to be correcting a behavior in your child that you as a parent utilize. For example, punishing a child for cursing at you, when you curse at the child, is confusing, and hurtful. In psychology we call this a double-bind. Because of the hormonal changes at this age, children tend to be more reactive. It’s not uncommon for a child to express a “lack of control” over their emotions. As we help to parent and support this age group, focusing on being receptive to biological needs (sleep, food, exercise) will serve you well. Lastly, active listening to this age group will help with emotions, since this age group values friends/other’s opinions more than they ever have before. As Brittany stated, your little one's age is a big factor in what tools you actually can use with them. Some kids get to the reasoning stage much sooner than others. Be patient and try to be consistent. Learning to handle your own emotions is as important as managing your toddlers' tantrums. Not only can it help you stay regulated, but it allows you to model a good response for your kids (including when you screw up.) Having emotionally intuitive parents to learn from is one of the better gifts you can bestow on your family. Here are some things to keep in mind Emotions often come with a sense of misplaced urgency. They are associated with a biological response. Interestingly the body’s reaction to anxiety and excitement are almost indistinguishable. Taking a moment to think and breathe before taking action is a lesson that we all need to remind ourselves of. Is the urgency real? This is the same question I teach parents to consider in my safety class. Essentially, if your child falls, do you really need to call 911? In the rare situation that they have lost consciousness then the answer is yes. In the much more common and likely scenario, such as a skinned knee, you have time to take a moment and assess the situation carefully before taking an action. When dealing with feelings it is exceedingly rare that the sense of urgency is grounded in reality. I am sure it feels like a huge deal, but most of the time, giving yourself several minutes to process before speaking or acting is best. Remember that your feelings don’t have an expiration date. You can problem solve and tackle the issue much more effectively after you are a bit calmer. Is the emotion factually accurate? Are you reacting to something from the past or the present? Someone who has been around dangerous gunfire is likely to seize up from the sound of some fireworks. Try to be aware of your triggers. PTSD is real. See if you can take a moment to identify the emotion and then check in with your body. Remember it is okay to feel mad, sad, or disappointed. Can you find the place in your body where all this upheaval is sitting? See if you can loosen things a bit. Some strong emotions such as anger come along with specific urges. Is there a safe way to satisfy these? Remember, the goal is to identify the emotion and collect some strategies for dealing with it. Having some skills for dealing with and processing emotions will be an enormous asset for your kids when they move into their teenage years. At the bottom of this post we have made a list of items or activities that you can add to your ‘Toolbox’. If you have some additions that you think belong there, please let me know! Brittany created a simple tool for her family that I love. Introduce the concept of a volcano (or another analogy that fits your family). Everyone in the family has a volcano (name everyone, even the adults). It is our own responsibility to monitor and communicate where our hot lava level is within our volcano. Why? Because when our volcano erupts it doesn't feel good for the person whose inner volcano is overflowing, or anyone nearby who may get burnt by the spewing lava (give specific examples that you've seen in your family. Hitting, screaming, throwing things, harsh words, nasty looks, crying, etc). As a family, we have the great privilege of either giving each other fire tokens (not sharing, disobedience, etc) OR we can give ice tokens (communicating, sharing, comfort, listening, etc). Why is this important? Because as a family we ALL feel better when no one's volcano is erupting. Modeling a communal interest/family system. After you introduce this language it's crucial to start modeling it with the kids. For example, you ask them to pick up their dirty clothes from the bathroom floor and they start groaning. You may respond with something like, "This behavior feels like "fire tokens" falling into my volcano and that doesn't feel well for me. What would it look like to give ice tokens?" As with anything with children, it takes relentless consistency by parents for something to stick. I promise it's worth it! Mindfulness activity Begin with some calming breaths. Inhale through the nose, exhale through the mouth. (I like to say, smell the imaginary flower, blow out the pretend candle.) What do they hear? What do they smell? Be aware of their bodies as well as the space they are inhabiting. Is the environment warm or cold? Are they sitting on something soft or hard? Have them plant their feet firmly on the floor and open their palms. Then have them turn their mind inwards and see if they can identify any emotions that they might be feeling. If they can’t, that’s okay. If they are able to be self-aware and pinpoint a specific emotion, can they find the place in their body where that emotion has settled? Common places are the jaw, the stomach, the chest or the neck. How does it feel? Is it tight? Is it tingly? Sometimes just breathing and noticing can ease some of the sensations. This can be a good bedtime activity. Trying this in the middle of a tantrum is not going to work. Here are some other ideas for your 'DeStress toolbox' Obviously some of these are not appropriate for all ages. Physical or concrete actions
There was a study done with something as simple as putting a pencil (or chopstick) in the mouth. This forces the face into a smile. Here it is: Smiling Reduces Stress And Helps The Heart. The researchers say their findings suggest that smiling during brief periods of stress may help reduce the body’s stress response, regardless of whether the person actually feels happy or not. Mental/spiritual actions
For toddlers or older children and adults who are nonverbal there are tools such as mood meters that Lauren uses in her classes. Emotional intelligence doesn't always require verbal skills or conversation, just a little creativity. |
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