Talking to your child about homelessness

In Memory of Roosevelt. 

 Many years ago, when I was still working at Noe Valley pediatrics, I was sitting at my desk, (more than likely talking to someone about their child’s poop). A frantic passerby rushed into the office. She told us that someone had fallen and was bleeding profusely, and thought that since we were a medical office, perhaps we could help. 

My medical assistant, the amazing Josie, had the sense to grab some gloves and gauze, and we rushed out to see what was going on. There were several other people already at the scene assisting an elderly woman who was on the ground. 

As luck would have it, one of the helpers was a doctor. She was holding pressure to the wound with a nice, large towel that another passerby who was on his way to the gym happened to have with him. (Any Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy fans out there? Always carry a towel!) 

Somebody else had already called 911. This supportive group of onlookers were holding the victims purse, talking to her, and keeping her calm until the ambulance arrived (a disappointing 11 minutes wait). 

 While I never did get a follow up report and hoped that the accident victim was okay, I was struck at the time by how quickly a group of people acted like caring human beings and got involved. They put their busy lives on hold for the moment and stayed on the scene until it was clear that they were no longer needed. 

Sadly, this response is not something to take for granted. The streets of San Francisco often are filled with people who need help and we all walk past them, myself included. It doesn’t always feel safe to intervene. Mental illness and drug use are real issues. So sometimes it is scary, or overwhelming, or we have nothing to give, or we want to choose carefully how we do give, and choose not to offer random handouts. 

Regardless of the reason, walking past someone who is on the ground simply feels wrong! Having a child with us often compounds this issue. What do we say when we see people who are so much less fortunate than we are?

 THE CONVERSATION

 I think it is safe to say that anyone living with a child in an urban area is likely to get the question at some point.

 “Why is that person lying on the street? 

Why don’t they have a home? 

Why? Why? Why???” 

 Consider putting some thought into your answer now so that you can be prepared with a response that you feel comfortable with. Beware, words are powerful and kids can make connections that are not intended. 

If a child hears you point to poverty, job loss, or illness as the simple cause for homelessness, they could worry that if someone they love gets sick, or complains that they are having trouble paying a bill, they might end up on the street too. 

Kids under five need to be reassured that they are safe, that they have a warm bed and plenty of food. Keep the discussion age appropriate. 

You can wait until they ask, rather than initiating the conversation. A simple “they don’t have a place to live” might be enough. 

They will learn quite a bit simply by seeing your actions and reactions. 

 Five to eight year-olds are transitioning to seeing themselves as part of a community rather than having the world revolve around ‘me’. They are becoming interested in solving the problems they see. Beyond reassuring them that they are safe, invite them to ask questions and think about options. 

Just like every single person is unique, every situation is different and everybody has their own story. Your answers might include talking points such as 

 Poverty: Maybe bad luck; no money, no job in combination with no family or friends to help, not enough housing. Societal marginalization also plays a part (sadly, society isn’t set up the same way for all people from all walks of life). 

The recent pandemic and its economic impact has made the situation even worse. 

 Mental illness: Maybe the person is not well. Bodies can get sick and so can minds. Often there is medicine that can help make things better, but some people get so confused that they don’t know how to get help. Drug use: Medicine can be very good when it is used for the right reasons. Some people use drugs they shouldn’t use and may have ended up not being able to make good choices. If the opportunity presents, taking the time to hear the personal stories of a homeless person can be pretty impactful and remind you that everyone has a name and is somebody's parent/child/sibling/....... 

 In any case, it is important not to make sweeping generalizations. The goal of this discussion is to cultivate feelings of empathy and action, not shaming.

 We want to help, but Safety First! The Neighborhood Emergency Response Team ( NERT) holds classes, free to the public, to train us for how to deal with an emergency such as a large earthquake. They spend several weeks teaching people how to help, but NERT's first rule is the most important one: Don’t go in to rescue someone if it feels unsafe. 

If someone who looks like they need help call 311 and report it. How can we prepare our children for these inevitable encounters with people who are homeless? While we want our kids to have compassion, this same rule needs to be taken to heart here. 

If you are walking and have any concerns that an interaction with a stranger on the street could pose a danger, then walk right by.

Most of you have probably heard this tale, but if not, now it is time for the starfish story (now known as the sea star) 

A young girl was walking along a beach upon which thousands of starfish had been washed up during a terrible storm. When she came to each starfish, she would pick it up, and throw it back into the ocean. People watched her with amusement. She had been doing this for some time when a man approached her and said, “Little girl, why are you doing this? Look at this beach! You can’t save all these starfish. You can’t begin to make a difference!” The girl seemed crushed, suddenly deflated. But after a few moments, she bent down, picked up another starfish, and hurled it as far as she could into the ocean. Then she looked up at the man and replied, “Well, I made a difference to that one!” 

 We can’t help everyone, but even simple kindness can make a difference for one person. Most people appreciate even the gesture of a smile, but here are some more tangible things that you can do with just a bit of planning.

 First of all - don’t assume anything, ask a person if they would like the help. 

 Have some extra socks to hand out 

Give small containers of hand sanitizer 

Get some Starbucks cards or gift cards that can be redeemed for food 

Donate part of an allowance to a homeless shelter 

Restaurant portions are so big, perhaps split your meal and box it up before you start eating and give it to someone on your walk back to the car. 

Somebody with poor teeth might not be able to eat that bagel; don’t be offended if your gesture is rejected. 

 Birthdays and holidays are a great time to talk about how fortunate we are. 

Some kids ask their friends to donate to a non-profit instead of getting presents, or do a “toy-purge” – giving outgrown toys and games to charity before receiving new presents. 

 Alas, the cure for homelessness has proven to be elusive, but we can brighten the day of one person at a time with some simple kindness and teach our kids how to have compassion. We can also learn a lot from our children. 

Thanks to my daughter Alana, who is now a social worker, my family had a warm relationship with an older gentleman who spent his days on the sidewalks of West Portal. About fifteen years ago Alana was still in high school and had left the local movie theater on a dark drizzly night waiting for her dad to pick her up. Roosevelt decided to wait with her because she shouldn't be out ‘alone’ and they began a friendship that lasted until his recent passing. He called her bright eyes and tossed his cane in the air and ran into her arms for a big hug every time he would see her. RIP Roosevelt. We will miss your smile.