How and when to talk to your kids about sex. It might be sooner than you think!

I have been doing this blog for many years. I try to stay fresh with new thoughts and ideas, but I also continually update old posts. Things change, new information emerges, sometimes something will come along making headlines that feels like it is worth addressing. The ‘Talking to your kids about sex post” is one that I have posted several times over the years. I am updating it because there is a new resource that I want you all to know about. I have tacked information and the link to a brilliant playbook option on to the bottom of the post. Comes the moment in every family when it is time to have the talk about sex, but how and when? It varies with every child. There is a story about a young boy visiting his grandparents’ house one summer. He came rushing in from outside where he had been playing with some new friends from the neighborhood. “Grandma, what’s it called when two people are in bed, but one is on top of the other one?” Grandma was taken aback for a moment but sat him down and gave him a matter of fact talk about the birds and the bees, so to speak. The little boy listened carefully with his eyes open wide and then ran back out to join his friends. It wasn’t long before he ran back into the house saying, “Grandma, it’s called BUNK BEDS and Mrs. Wilson wants to talk to you!" The all important moral of this story is to make sure that when your child presents you with a question, you understand what they are actually asking before you launch into any complex explanations. You could start with a statement such as “ I am so glad that you asked me. I am always happy to help you find answers to things. Tell me more about what you are wondering about." My sister Amy has her own tale. She and her husband are National Park rangers and they moved to Utah when her oldest son was in 4th grade. Even when reading the Harry Potter series, my nephew Asher covered his ears when they were reading any scenes that involved kissing, but now that they were living in a new place, he had a question. “Mom, where do babies come from”? Amy paused and then followed up appropriately. “Is there something specific that you are wondering about?” “I heard that babies happen when a mommy and daddy love each other very much and their souls connect.” My sister's family was now living in the heart of Mormon country where most families were quite a bit larger than he was used to seeing. He knew that his mom and dad seemed to love each other a lot, but they just had 2 kids, Asher and his brother Ben. The math wasn’t adding up. Why didn’t their ‘souls connect’ as often as most of the neighbors. Amy went on to let him know that there was a little more to it than that, but it involved some more mechanics including some of that “Kissing stuff”. Nope, this wasn't his moment.There was no need to talk about it that day. Get yourself as comfortable as you can with the discussion. What do you call body parts? Does your family use a nickname (perfectly fine) or is your child able to rattle off the anatomical names for all of their “parts"? Of course having discussions about bodies usually comes long before discussions about sex. Many parents are a little shocked and uncomfortable when infant boys have erections or they notice young boys and girls masturbating. This is incredibly common (the human race is fortunate that masturbation doesn’t actually cause blindness.) While it is usually quite normal, if you notice that your child is constantly touching themselves to excess, I want to make sure there is no irritation or external cause. Maybe their underwear is too tight. Have they been running around in a wet bathing suit? That could be yeast. Itching could even be something like pinworms! If there is no obvious underlying issue, consider having a discussion about that fact that, yes it feels good, but our bodies are delicate and it is important not to touch so much that things can get sore. Some families have a talk about family rules and theirs might be that gentle touching is a private activity. Beware, a true story - one of my families who made a point of having accurate vocabulary was caught off guard one night when their 4 year old son made an announcement at a fairly formal dinner party with mom’s boss. “ I am going to go into my room now so that I can touch my penis in private.” This is also an important time to have a discussion about body ownership. No one should be able to touch any part of your child’s body without permission. Exceptions are parents and doctors (with parents present) and that should never be a secret! Empowering your child about their body early is important. And then they get a little bit older…. I remember driving a van loaded with carpool kids to school many many years ago. I caught a piece of the conversation that was going on in the back seat and my ears perked up a bit as I tuned in. “Yours have done it at least twice." “Yours have done it at least once” "Ours have done it at least twice...Oooh/Yuck” As soon as you feel that your child is curious and is possibly going to be picking up odd or skewed information from their friends or classmates, it is important that you make an opportunity to have a chat. It is essential that your child sees you as the trusted source of correct information and is comfortable asking you questions. Unfortunately in this high tech world, it is becoming increasingly easy for kids to be exposed to all sorts of things with very adult content at a very young age. You may want the help of a book. Amazon and libraries have an enormous amount of books that you can use as a resource. There are many good ones out there. I would suggest that you skim through several until you find one that feels like it is the right comfort level for you. You may want to do this research a little ahead of time. (At the end of this post is a new and worthwhile resource to check out.) Liesel Harris-Boundy from the West Portal Branch of the San Francisco Public Library was kind enough to come up with a list of good books on the subject that she is familiar with. Liesel shared that an ObGyn friend recounted that her 7-year old son asked her, "Mom, what's a vagina?" and though this woman talks about vaginas all day, she was unprepared to tell her son and excused herself from answering! That reserved part of her upbringing came through in spite of all her medical training! This is to remind you that we all have different comfort levels dealing with this, but gather your wits about you, it needs to be done. The following books should all be available through the library. Once the libraries reopen, go in and leaf through a few until you pick one that you like. Talk to Me First: Everything You Need to Know to Become Your Kids' "Go-To" Person about Sex by Deborah Roffman Talking to Your Kids About Sex: turning "the talk" into a conversation for life by Laura Berman Asking About Sex & Growing Up: A Question-and-Answer Book for Kids by Joanna Cole Everything You Never Wanted Your Kids to Know about Sex, (but Were Afraid They'd Ask): The Secrets to Surviving Your Child's Sexual Development from Birth to the Teens by Justin Richardson and Mark A. Schuster Talking to Your Kids About Sex: From Toddlers to Preteens by Lauri Berkenkamp, Steven C. Atkins, Charlie Woglom Sex Is a Funny Word: A Book about Bodies, Relationships, and YOU by Cory Silverberg It's Perfectly Normal: Changing Bodies, Growing Up, Sex, and Sexual Health (20th Anniv. Edition) by Robie H. Harris You want to make sure that the books are geared to the correct age. Some are guides for the parents and some are meant as a resource for the child. ****************************************************************** There are many different kinds of families, it isn’t always mommy plus daddy equals baby. I was happy to find out about the book below. http://corysilverberg.com/what-makes-a-baby/ What Makes a Baby is a children’s picture book about where babies come from that is written and illustrated to include all kinds of kids, adults, and families. Geared to readers from preschool to about 8 years old, it teaches curious kids about conception, gestation, and birth in a way that works regardless of whether or not the child in question was adopted, conceived using reproductive technologies at home or in a clinic, through surrogacy, or the old fashioned way; and regardless of how many people were involved, their orientation, gender and other identity, or family composition. Just as important, the story doesn’t gender identify people or body parts, so most parents and families will find that it leaves room for them to educate their child without having to erase their own experience. Once you do pick the book that you feel comfortable using as a resource, go ahead and buy a copy so that there isn’t a time limit. If your child is embarking on puberty and you are looking for something more interactive than a book, check out the Heart to Heart seminars hosted by Stanford. They hold these in multiple locations. The San Francisco class is held at CPMC on California street: https://www.stanfordchildrens.org/en/classes/community/pre-teen-teen-parent During this Covid quarantine, they are offering classes online! A list of other classes they offer are here: https://www.stanfordchildrens.org/en/classes One mom in our practice who went to the session thought it was very worthwhile, but she wished she had taken it earlier. She thought ten or eleven would have been perfect. So what’s new? Caricia, a local mom with two daughters was reading an article that included some disturbing statistics. Global estimates published by WHO indicate that about 1 in 3 (35%) of women worldwide have experienced either physical and/or sexual intimate-partner violence or non-partner violence in their lifetime. The sad fact is that these are the same statistics that existed 30 years ago. Knowing what we know, why haven’t we been able to improve this? She gathered together a group of other parents to take a deeper look. It turned out that the public school where her children attend does the standard 5th grade sex ed that we all probably remember. They actually still use a VHS tape from 1984. Woe unto them when the VCR breaks. This is perfectly adequate to teach kids about periods and erections, but this is no longer the same world. Kids these days need to learn more about consent and boundaries. They should be aware of gender identity. They need to be given tools that will help them be able to have healthy relationships. They need to be able to navigate the online world safely. Social media is a minefield. This group of parents embraced this project with a gusto. They traveled the world in search of information. The disparities between different countries was notable. The Netherlands is the country with the best health outcomes so they headed there to learn more. One of the successes that the Netherlands has achieved is the lowest incident of teen pregnancies and sexually transmitted diseases. If the data is to be believed, the kids wait. The first sexual intercourse was reported to be the age of 19 and, this is important, it was with someone they cared about. Contrast that with this country where the average age is 16 and the experience is more likely to be casual. Once they returned from their travels, they studied the curricula from leaders in the field here as well. The thinking is that we need to start our education earlier. Perhaps as young as 5 years old. At the very least, young children should be comfortable with their bodies. They should be given the rules that a surprise is okay, but a secret is not. This is a crazy scary world; we do NOT want porn or sexting to be our kids first introduction to sex. Parents need to be the ones to get there first with accurate information. How do we tackle this? You can thank this group of parents for creating a method that will help guide you through this. These educational activities focus on empathy and safety as well as biology. These are broken down into 3 age appropriate segments. 5-8 7-10 9-12 These are rough age ranges because they recognize individual differences in families and children. These are also directed to parental comfort. The books are spiral bound. If there is something a parent wants to avoid, a page can be removed. Hopefully there isn’t anything that you are too uncomfortable to talk about. The goal is normalizing this topic and keeping the conversations safe and open. The website is Bloomscience.org This goes well beyond simply reading a book to get necessary information. What they have is playbooks that include games and activities that can open dialogue opportunities. There is also a robust list of books and resources on the site ( some overlap with the list I have above). Bottom line, honesty and communication are essential. As awkward as this conversation may feel to some of you, you really don’t want your kids to be getting their sex education from the neighborhood kids (or even worse, the internet!) For your teens, you can act as a safe boundary from the nastier places on the internet. Make clear rules that as long as you are paying for the phone plan, you have access to the browsing history whenever you want (but don't abuse that right!) There might be the kid out there who feels saved by this. “Sorry, I can’t sent you a photo of my ‘whoozee whatsis’, my parents check my phone.” Don't force too much information on a younger child who isn't interested. Letting them know that you are always open and willing to talk about "grown up" stuff with them is a great start. These playbooks might be just this thing.   Click  to find more about and/or support this project