It's okay not to be right all of the time

“It is very unnerving to be proven wrong, particularly when you are really right and the person who is really wrong is proving you wrong and proving himself, wrongly, right.” ― Lemony Snicket, The Blank Book As you strive to get along with your partner and children during this unprecedented quarantine, one lesson that we can likely all use some help with is on how to be accountable for when we slip up and make a bad choice. I suggest that as long as we gather wisdom along the way, and have goals of creating outcomes that are beneficial to the majority, then being right or wrong should not really matter all that much. These are stressful times. If you are not perfect. That's okay. Don't be so hard on yourself. Imagine two people. Person number one fully understands that they are not perfect. They try their best. If they make a wrong choice they accept that and try to learn the lessons of the moment so that they don’t repeat the mistake. They rarely try to place blame on others. They take responsibility for any mistakes that they made. Person number two refuses to accept that they are ever wrong. Anyone who suggests that this paragon might be incorrect in any action or statement will be called a nasty name or accused of making up a false narrative.This person will not accept that there could even be a remote possibility that they could be mistaken about anything. Someone else is always to blame. How refreshing to deal with person number one. How aggravating to have to have dealings with person number two. Unfortunately, people are hard wired with the need to be right. There is some basic caveman biology going on here.  Your good parenting can have a huge impact on which model you are raising. It starts with children who know with their full being that they are loved unconditionally. It is safe for them to mess up. We NEED our kids to understand that absolutely no one is perfect. Making a mistake is often the way to learn.  As Albert Einstein said, “A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new.” My brother in law is a superintendent in the National Park Service. He says to his employees, "it is okay to make a little mistake every day. Just don’t ever make the same one." Consider this interchange with your child “Oops I made a mistake” “I am proud of you for being aware of it and being brave enough to say it out loud. Let's go through the checklist.” Was anybody physically injured? Was anybody’s feeling hurt? Was anything damaged? Was it an accident? Was there something you could have done to avoid it? Are there any lessons that we can learn? If somebody was injured that gets tended to first. Everything else can wait a bit until everyone is calm and ready to problem solve. How do we have that conversation with our kids? Get out the stuffed animals, Play through it - how one of them screws up and the other one reacts. Tell a story about someone who makes a mistake or is wrong about something. Make that checklist something they are familiar with so that it is a natural reference when an accident or mistake happens in real life. If you find yourself making a mistake, point it out and have your kids see that you go through the checklist as well. It’s important that we find the balancing act between enforcing consequence when necessary, and showing compassion even when things don’t go as planned. Right and wrong isn’t simple. Many issues have multiple truths and are not really black and white. Like the optical illusion above, two people can look at the same thing and come up with completely different interpretations.  Holding onto one way of thinking without allowing that others can have a different point of view that is equally valid can create unnecessary conflict. Sometimes agreeing to disagree is the best you will get. Teaching your child to try to see something from someone else's viewpoint is such an important lesson.  Even if something seems to be completely straightforward, being able to see past the simple right and wrong is a trait that we should encourage in our kids. Imagine you are driving from point A to point B. There are probably many ways to get to the destination. In San Francisco, I know that to be the case. One way might be a bit longer, but have nicer views. Some routes might avoid having to go up the steeper hills. Traffic could show up in unexpected places. It is typical to have some bickering. “You should have turned left at that corner.” There doesn’t need to be one right way to get there. The goal is getting where you are going safely. Am I right???