When your child plays favorites
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I know that we are supposed to be the adults, but when your child seems to show a strong preference for the other parent, feelings get hurt.
You can be the head of a multi million dollar company or a world renowned heart surgeon, but when you become a parent, you had better protect that ego of yours. When a 2 year old says “Go away, I only want the other parent..” it feels rotten.
It should never be a competition. Ultimately your child will have a unique relationship with each parent. During the first couple of months, accept that if one of the partners is producing breast milk, it is developmentally appropriate for a baby to focus on her. It makes perfect sense. Even if mommy is pumping and the baby is fed from a bottle, mommy smells like milk. She is the sustenance. Being a nursing mom has its highs and lows. One of the benefits is the closeness that ensues. We need to give her this one. Mom has earned it from 9 months of pregnancy and then labor. It is not at all easy to be the primary supplier of your baby’s milk.
Once the infant’s world expands beyond eating and sleeping, it is very common for babies to now make room for the other parents and caregivers in their hearts. It is normal for parents to come in and out of favor as the preferred parent as your child grows. While I hope that you can delight in the fact that your partner and your child have a solid bond, don’t minimize the input that you have over the relationship that you are forging with each child.
Do not allow your child to be the one in charge of how much time they spend with you. If your goal is a positive, deep and lasting relationship, then it is essential that each parent gets a slice of quality time with the kids. I know that many of us have busy lives. Make this happen if you can. Family time is great. The more the better, but it isn’t a substitute for one on one time. Take turns with reading, baths, bedtime.
Does this sound familiar?
“ I want daddy to read”
“Tonight it is my turn”.
For kids that are old enough, get a calendar and show them. If something is stated as a rule it is sometimes more readily accepted.
"See today it is August 21.There is a big P for papa. That means it is my turn to do bedtime. Tomorrow is the D for daddy."
If they are old enough to articulate their demands, they are old enough to understand the concept of rules.
Acknowledge their displeasure.
“No..I only want daddy to put me to bed”
“I see that you are mad/sad that daddy isn’t doing bedtime tonight. How many ‘Phooeys’ are you feeling. Five? Okay, PHOOEY PHOOEY PHOOEY PHOOEY PHOOEY. Lets do an extra loud one together PHOOEY!!
Okay, Now, which story or song should we pick”
My husband brought his guitar in for some bedtime singing each night and earned the spot as the preferred parent for the final tucking in. Make an effort, figure out your gimmick and get that pendulum swinging back towards the center.
Truthfully, a 60/40 favorite parent is probably more normal than not. This tends to go in waves. If you feel like you are moving into a 70/30 then I think action is needed. Don’t get caught in the trap of spending less time with your child because they are playing favorites. Make an effort to adjust the balance. The answer is usually finding quality time. Even if you are a busy working parent, make the time that you have together count (put your phone away)! Find the common interests. Figure out a hobby that you can do together.
Many parents get caught in the trap of good cop/bad cop. If that is happening to you, it is time to step away and look hard at what is going on.
We often come from different upbringings and discipline style. It is imperative for the two parents to agree on common standards. Figure out the rules and then enforce them equally.
If you are having trouble coming to agreement on the family rules, see if both parents can agree to have a third party to work with to help you find a compromise.
Even if you think you are on the same page as your partner it is a good habit that if older kids get into trouble, delay handing down a consequence until you have discussed the situation:
“Both of the parents will discuss this privately and will tell you what the consequence will be.”
This might avoid the out of proportion ridiculous punishment that you want to hand out simply because you are frustrated. “No play-dates or television for a month!” While that might be satisfying for a moment, giving a consequence that you know you can’t follow through with will just weaken your position.
Aside from discipline issues, some personalities are naturally easier together while some people clash. There is no reason to think this doesn’t happen with a parent/child relationship. Careful management now will reflect in the relationship that you carry over with your adult child. Learn how to communicate with each other. That can take work but it is worth the investment.
My bottom line suggestion is that time management is the key to solving a lot of issues. Kids playing favorites is just one of them.
Not everyone has the capacity to arrange these quality time opportunities as regularly as you like, but get your calendar out and see what you can figure out.
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