Last month as I was sitting at my desk, (probably talking to someone about their child’s poop if we’re being honest) a frantic passerby rushed into the office. She told us that someone had fallen and was bleeding profusely, and thought that since we were a medical office, perhaps we could help. My medical assistant, the amazing Josie, had the sense to grab some gloves and gauze, and we rushed out to see what was going on.There were several other people already at the scene assisting an elderly woman who was on the ground.
As luck would have it, one of the helpers, who happened to be a mom with a child in this practice, was a doctor. She was holding pressure to the wound with a nice, large towel that another passerby happened to have with him. He was on his way to the gym. (Any Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy fans out there? Always carry a towel!) Somebody else had already called 911. This supportive group of onlookers were holding her purse, talking to her, and keeping her calm until the ambulance arrived (a disappointing 11 minutes wait).
While I never got follow up, (and I hope the accident victim was okay), I was struck at the time by how quickly a group of people acted like caring human beings and stopped to help. They put their busy lives on hold for the moment and waited until it was clear that they were no longer needed. Sadly, this response is not something to take for granted.
I have been thinking about doing a post on this for quite awhile, but the issue is so big and tricky.
The streets of San Francisco often are filled with people who need help and we all walk past them, myself included. It doesn’t always feel safe to intervene. Mental illness and drug use are real issues. So sometimes it is scary, or overwhelming, or we have nothing to give, or we want to choose carefully how we do give and choose not to offer random handouts. Regardless of the reason, walking past someone who is on the ground simply feels wrong!
Having a child with us often compounds this issue. What do we say when we see people who are so much less fortunate than we are?
THE CONVERSATION
I think it is safe to say that anyone living with a child in an urban area is likely to get the question at some point.
“Why is that person lying on the street? Why don’t they have a home? Why? Why? Why???”
Consider putting some thought into your answer now so that you can be prepared with a response that you feel comfortable with. Beware, words are powerful and kids can make connections that are not intended. If a child hears you point to poverty, job loss, or illness as the simple cause, they could worry that if someone they love gets sick, or complains that they are having trouble paying a bill, they might end up on the street too. Kids under five need to be reassured that they are safe, that they have a warm bed and plenty of food.
Keep the discussion age appropriate. You can wait until they ask, rather than initiating the conversation. A simple “they don’t have a place to live” might be enough. They will learn quite a bit simply by seeing your actions and reactions.
Five to eight year-olds are transitioning to seeing themselves as part of a community rather than having the world revolve around ‘me’. They are becoming interested in solving the problems they see. Beyond reassuring them that they are safe, invite them to ask questions and think about options.
Just like every single person is unique, every situation is different and everybody has their own story. Your answers might include talking points such as
Poverty:
Maybe bad luck; no money, no job in combination with no family or friends to help, not enough housing. Societal marginalization also plays a part (sadly, society isn’t set up the same way for all people from all walks of life).
Mental illness:
Maybe the person is not well. Bodies can get sick and so can minds. Often there is medicine that can help make things better, but some people get so confused that they don’t know how to get help.
Drug use:
Medicine can be very good when it is used for the right reasons. Some people use drugs they shouldn’t use and ended up not being able to make good choices.
If the opportunity presents, listen to their stories.
In any case, it is important not to make sweeping generalizations. The goal of this discussion is to cultivate feelings of empathy and action, not shaming.
We want to help, but Safety First
NERTs first rule is the most important one: Don’t go in to rescue someone if it feels unsafe.
This same rule needs to be taken to heart here. If you are walking and have any concerns that an interaction with a stranger on the street could pose a danger, then walk right by.
ACTION
A young girl was walking along a beach upon which thousands of starfish had been washed up during a terrible storm. When she came to each starfish, she would pick it up, and throw it back into the ocean. People watched her with amusement. She had been doing this for some time when a man approached her and said, “Little girl, why are you doing this? Look at this beach! You can’t save all these starfish. You can’t begin to make a difference!” The girl seemed crushed, suddenly deflated. But after a few moments, she bent down, picked up another starfish, and hurled it as far as she could into the ocean. Then she looked up at the man and replied, “Well, I made a difference to that one!”
How can we prepare our children for these inevitable encounters with people who are homeless? We want our kids to have compassion, to be safe, to feel empowered. We can’t help everyone, but even simple kindness can make a difference for one person. Most people appreciate even the gesture of a smile, but here are some more tangible things that you can do with just a bit of planning.
First of all - don’t assume anything, ask a person if they would like the help.
- Have some extra socks to hand out
- Give small containers of hand sanitizer
- Get some starbucks cards or gift cards that can be redeemed for food
- Donate part of an allowance to a homeless shelter
- Restaurant portions are so big, perhaps split your meal and box it up before you start eating and give it to someone on your walk back to the car. Somebody with poor teeth might not be able to eat that bagel; don’t be offended if your gesture is rejected.
Birthdays and holidays are a great time to talk about how fortunate we are. Some kids ask their friends to donate to a non-profit instead of getting presents, or do a “toy-purge” – giving outgrown toys and games to charity before receiving new presents.
We can’t cure homelessness, but we can brighten the day of one person at a time with some simple kindness and teach our kids how to have compassion.
We can also learn a lot from our children. Thanks to my daughter Alana (now a social worker…who could have predicted? ) my family has a warm relationship with an older gentleman who spends his days on the sidewalks of West Portal. About ten years ago Alana was still in high school and had left the local movie theater on a dark drizzly night waiting for her dad to pick her up. Mr R decided to wait with her because she shouldn't be out ‘alone’ and they began a friendship that lasts until this day. He calls her bright eyes and tosses his cane in the air and runs into her arms for a big hug every time she visits home.
Check out this heart warming story that has been on the news recently. With all the rough stuff in the media, this was a breath of fresh air:
A little boy in Birmingham Alabama puts on a superhero cape and makes sandwiches for the homeless folks:
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