ATTITUDE

If you got my recent post about altitude and were momentarily disappointed when you realized it was about going up to the high country as opposed to your teenager giving you the stink eye or your toddler being a pill, you were not alone. Somehow, even though actions speak louder than words, attitude, in its silence, speaks the loudest of all.

We tend to have such a knee jerk reaction to attitude. We are human after all. If someone is saying and doing the right things but is sullen or rude, it is upsetting. It is also frustrating that it is hard to make a concrete accusation that doesn't sound just a wee bit weak.

“Your honor, they rolled their eyes at me and then slammed the door….”

To take it a step further, the nuance and meaning of a sentence can be completely changed depending on which word gets stressed

“You would like ME to clean my room tonight?”

(why would I do it..you do it)

“You would like me to clean MY room tonight?

( have you seen the mess that YOURS is?)



You would like me to clean my room TONIGHT?

(tonight is so inconvenient)

Tone matters. The tone we use or hear can completely change the interpretation. Absence of tone can have an equal impact.

People can also get into all sorts of trouble from a text conversation when there is no inflection.

So we can agree that attitude is silent but powerful, but here is the most important thing to keep in mind. We can try to influence others, but the only real power we have is over ourselves.

Reacting to attitude

Can you calmly be aware of how you are affected by someone else’s non verbal cues? Realize that someone else's negative energy might not actually be directed at you. If someone is tired or grouchy, you might just be in the path.

If this is a casual interaction, you might opt to simply walk away and not take it personally. This is a good example of how not to ‘sweat the small stuff’. Our measured response to someone’s attitude could possible diffuse a situation rather than escalating it. “You seem like you are having a rough day, can I help?”

If this is a Groundhog day situation that you live over and over again with a child or partner, then it is worth addressing.

‘Toddlertude’ and ‘Teentude’ (Thanks BK for those monikers) are not the same thing.

Toddlers can’t really be accused of ‘giving attitude’. They don’t usually have the verbal skills to communicate what they are feeling. If you are able to identify the cause of the frustration, it is on you as the grown up to problem solve the situation and see what fixes you can come up with. Remember that everything is worse when they are tired or hungry.

Even from a young age though, kids can be made aware that they have a choice about whether to be sunny or difficult. During a recent phone conversation, Nurse Lainey overheard Daddy Adam ask his daughter Millie," Do you want to take the rainbow road or the rocky road? You get to decide." I love it.

'Teentude' is different. When you are on the receiving end of “attitude”, but they have done what you asked, validate the appropriate words and actions but then point to the unspoken.

"Thank you for following my directions (cleaning your room, doing your homework, getting out of the house on time)

Thank you for agreeing to…….

My instinct is telling me that you are upset by this situation. "

Don’t get into an escalating attitude battle. My father was the king of letting things roll off his back. I can hear him now saying," I am going into the garden to eat worms"

Teens have a lot on their plate. A little stomping when they have to put their phone down to do some homework shouldn’t be taken personally.

Many teens are wonderful citizens to their teachers and other people that they interact with in the world outside of the family circle. They save all the pent up angst for parents because you guys are a safe place. Find the right moment to see if they are open to a team problem solving session. Writing down all of the stressors and identifying ways that the family can support them are really positive activities. You are taking the unspoken and putting a name to it.

Emitting attitude

It is typical for most people to silently broadcast our anger or frustration. We start early, telling our children to use their words, but the truth is most adults don’t always do such a good job at that.

Think about whether better communication would be preferable to stomping, eye rolling and/or stewing. Can you be self aware enough to turn your eye roll, or huffy sigh into words?

Sometimes we are faced with a choice where it is best to suck it up and not say anything.

Let's make the example that your partner wants you to go out to dinner with friends. You are really tired and would rather stay home. If that is the case, imagine that the choice is a scale.

You may weigh all the pros and cons. You choose to go out because your partner is looking forward to it. We say yes but once in a while we can’t help it, here come the tired martyr. It as if we have written all the reasons we don't want to go on little post it notes and stuck them all over ourselves. Don't be that person. Wad them up and throw them out. Once you have made a choice, own it. Leave the attitude at home.

I wish I could wave a wand and make everyone in our surrounding have a sunny and positive attitude. Alas I am not that powerful.