Strange
stuff happens to my daughter Alana all the time. Folks that know her
refer to her life as "Alana Land". Aspects of this range from winning an
incomprehensible percentage of raffles to creating lasting friendships
with random people that she meets on public transportation. Once, as she
walked to Muni after her late night shift working at the suicide
hot-line, an odd procession of old men playing Dixieland jazz
music followed her for several blocks on the otherwise empty streets
When she got to the station, they tipped their hats and veered away. So,
when I got a text from her earlier this week telling me that she had
the "weirdest evening ever" I couldn't wait to hear the tale.
Alana is currently living in Ann Arbor
working on her Masters in Social Work. She shares a house with 5 other
grad students. The other night the doorbell rang and one of her
housemates opened the door to find an "old woman" there having trouble
breathing. His idea of problem solving was to holler for Alana who
appeared and took over.
Among
the things this stranger was saying was that although she was not a
religious person, God had told her to come to this house where she would
get help. She also talked about wanting to kill herself. Alana managed
to calm her down, get contact info for family members, contact the
social work department at the hospital, and ultimately get this woman to
an emergency room. There are a lot of adults who would have found this
overwhelming.
Since
we all can work on our problem solving skills, in honor of her handling
that situation so well, I am updating and rerunning this post from last
year.
What would you do if?
I
have been doing these little weekly emails for just about 2 years now.
Some posts are clearly more relevant to parents with young children
while others are much more applicable to older children. Some are more
global and your child's age doesn't matter so much. This is the latter.
Today's topic is a about an important activity that you can do with your child that teaches them to be "problem solvers".
Although
at first glance it may seem targeted to parents with older children, in
fact everyone could learn from it. Adults need to learn to be problem
solvers also. Some are much better at this than others. For instance,
if you got in a fender bender, what would you do? Many folks would just
freeze and panic. What should you do?
*Assess for injury' call 911 if needed
*Know where your insurance info is
*Take a photo of any damage
*Take a photo of the other driver's insurance card and drivers license...etc.
*Always have a charger in your car for your cell phone so that a low battery is never an issue.
Having a plan in advance could help you stay calm. That is the main theme of this post.
Years
ago, the concept that everyone would carry around an individual cell
phone seemed as futuristic as the communicators on Star Trek. Now, of
course it is hard to imagine how we got along without them. It was,
however, the lack of the cell phone that prompted me to create a game
that became a favorite in our family.
It
must have been 1994 and I was on my way to pick up Alana from
preschool. She was about 4 years old at the time. It was one of those
days. I was uncharacteristically running late. Then, I got stuck in
terrible traffic. To compound things, I took some random turns to try to
work around the congestion and ended up utterly lost. (Remember that
this was also before Google maps or GPS) My stomach was in a knot and I
wondered what my younger daughter would do when mommy was late picking
her up.
It
turned out that she was calmly waiting for me in the office, but that
was the day that the "what would you do if" game was created.
It went something like this:
I
would ask a question such as, "What should you do if mommy is late
picking you up? What are some of the choices? Which is the best one?"
Getting
a teacher or trusted grown up to wait with her or take her to the
office was clearly the right answer and I praised her for figuring that
out on her own.
Alana loved this game. We created all sorts of situations
" What if we were at a store and you couldn't find me?
Alana.." I would go to the check out and ask them to page you"
We never made it too simple...
Mommy :"What if they refused?"
Alana :"I would demand to talk to the manager"
Our
scenarios covered any number of little emergencies including
earthquakes, fires, and getting lost or separated. We didn't cover the
"what would you do if a strange, suicidal old woman shows up at your
door?" It turns out that the better you are at problem solving, the
easier it gets to improvise.
This
game came in handy more than once. The shining example that comes to
mind happened after years of playing this game. Alana and I were walking
the dog on the beach one day. I had donated blood earlier that morning
and didn't realize how foolish I was for doing anything strenuous. I got
very light headed and ended up down on the sand trying hard not to
completely pass out. Alana was ten at the time and she went right into
problem solving mode. We did have cell phones at this point. She got the
dog on the leash, patted some water on my forehead and calmly called
daddy. I could vaguely hear her talking. "Mommy fainted...I think she is
okay"
The game was such a success that my sister taught it to her kids. Hers had an interesting spin because they lived in Alaska at the time:
"What would you do if you saw a bear?"
"What would you do if a Moose wanders into the yard?"
There were actually times when these things happened, and my nephews were able to act calmly and appropriately!
Topics can range from handling a bully to getting separated on Muni. Being prepared for unexpected situations can be invaluable.
If
your child finds themselves without you and in need of assistance,
finding a grown up wearing a uniform is often a valid option for some of
the difficult situations. Finding a parent who has a child with them
and asking them for help, might be another safe option.
This
game is meant to empower. It is wonderful for some kids, but could be
terrifying for others. You need to assess your child's temperament
before playing. Either way, identify a problem or situation. Start with
simple, less scary ones. Discuss all the possible solutions and then
agree what the best plan should be for any given situation.
Stressful
situations happen. Teaching your child to take a deep breath and use
their problem solving skills is one of those things you can do now that
can have lasting implications for them when they grow up.
Even teaching a very young child to dial 911 in an emergency can be life saving!
You
have to figure out if this will be empowering for your child as it was
for Alana. My daughter Lauren never liked to play it. In fact, I
remember one day when Lauren and I were taking a walk, I tripped on
something, stumbled and fell. I was perfectly fine, but Lauren's
reaction was to start screaming. I think she was ten at the time. As she
says, "mommies aren't allowed to fall". Every kid is different.
As your child grows, the situations that you might want to bring up will increase in scope.
Just
this month a child right in Noe Valley avoided a potential kidnapping
situation by making good choices in that terrifying situation.
I
think that the "what would you do" exercise is actually something that
you might want to do with a nanny or caretaker. Having them be able to
manage a crisis with a clear head is essential.
I
want to add one more tidbit here. What if you lost your cell phone or
it ran out of batteries and you don't have a charger? Do you know
important phone numbers, or do you count on speed dial. Having a list of
important numbers in an accessible place is a good idea for everyone.
Preparation is power.
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