It is all well and good to want your children to tell the truth, but until they have reached a certain age, don’t let yourself get too disappointed when you realize they have been less than honest. Many young kids can actually convince themselves that what they are telling you is the absolutely as real as can be. When they get a bit older they are simply calculating which outcome will get them in less trouble.
I had to learn this the hard way with my older daughter Lauren. Even back in her earliest years, she was an actress.
The earliest whopper that I found out about happened a day after the Northridge earthquake in LA. Lauren was in 1st grade.
When I went to school to pick her up, I was surprised when multiple people came up to give me consolation hugs.
“Judy, we are so sorry” “What a tragedy” “How old was the baby cousin that died in the earthquake?”
HUH? I was more than confused. I assured them that as far as I knew, everything was fine. We didn’t have family in LA.
“Hmm, but Lauren said…”
More confusion ensued. I picked Lauren up and asked her why on earth people were coming up to me and offering sympathy.
She looked genuinely puzzled. Actress, remember...she was going for her first academy award.
“Oh, I think I know” she said, “At recess we were playing some pretend games and someone must have overheard and thought it was real.” I accepted that without a second thought.
The next morning at school I bumped into her teacher.
“Oh Judy, that is so sad about the baby”
“Oh dear” I responded, “That is all a misunderstanding. People must have overheard kids playing and thought it was real.”
Mrs Calhoun paused, and then gently informed me that in fact, in ‘sharing’ yesterday when everyone was going around the circle telling their news, Lauren stole the thunder by announcing that her baby cousin had died in the Northridge earthquake. There was no misunderstanding or overhearing recess pretend games.
My daughter had given me a ‘look you in the eyes bald faced lie’ and I was mad.
We had a talk that evening about the importance of honesty (which likely went right over her head.) She continued to be caught in little lies, and promises meant little.
That week Goldie the fish was found floating. You might be disappointed to know that sweet Nurse Judy’s initial response was “Maybe if she thinks that breaking promises has consequences that isn’t such a bad thing”
Fortunately, her daddy took it upon himself to make sure that she wouldn’t have to feel the guilt of having killed her fish with a lie. In fact there would be no mourning needed this time around. He took the dead fish to a pet store that kept late hours, found a fish that matched the general look and size, and Goldie II started her reign in the tank. Lauren was none the wiser.
The irony that this fish tale in included on a post about honesty is not lost on me. It is complicated. While my opinion might be tossed out in a court of law, I maintain that shielding someone from a difficult truth is sometimes the action that feels like the right thing to do. If Lauren had asked me directly about Goldie, I would have insisted on telling her the truth.
Scroll on down for a bonus tale of Lauren and her lying phase.
Children and adults might lie for a variety of reasons. These include trying to get out of trouble, attempting to impress someone or even to be polite. At the age of five, trying to avoid a punishment is often going to take precedence over the concept of honesty.
It is so important to let them know that you put more emphasis on their telling the truth than on the consequence for their dishonest behavior.
What can you do?
Model honesty.
“Tell them I’m not home” is a good example of an easy lie that we call can get trapped in. Be thoughtful enough to tweak it to “I’m not available.” If your kids catch you lying, there is no reason to expect them to act differently from the adults in their lives.
Talk about how being truthful often takes a lot of courage.
Read some of the great books out there that are all about telling the truth. Books are a good launching point for further discussion.
Help them avoid the lie by not asking questions that will get them into a defensive situation; instead state what you see:
Rather than “ Did you eat a cookie after I told you not to?”
try
“A cookie is missing. I see crumbs on your face. I will be more disappointed in you not telling the truth, than I would be about the missing cookie”
Help them avoid the lie by not asking questions that will get them into a defensive situation:
Rather than “did you break that vase?”
try
“I see that the vase is broken. Do you want to tell me what happened? Remember that telling the truth is more important to me than the broken vase.”
If you get through the years without a lying phase, wow! Most likely there will be a time when your children are not going to tell you the truth. Take a moment to figure out if there is an obvious cause for the lie and form your response based on that. Please don’t ever label your child a liar, even if they have some lapses.
Let’s be real. The true value of honest communication and trust between you and your child goes way beyond the missing cookies. It is essential to be able to be truthful with each other when your child becomes a teenager. They need to know that they can call you for a pick up, no questions asked, when they find themselves in a tricky situation. Hopefully they can feel free to talk to you about important issues and ask you difficult questions.This won’t happen without a trust that goes both ways. Consistent message about how you value honesty will hopefully help foster the trusting relationship that we are striving for, now and in the future.
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Here is the bonus Lauren story that went down in family lore.
This was soon after my 'family tragedy' in the earthquake.
Lauren got a new teaching assistant who she adored. He had very long hair that he wore in a ponytail. His first name was Sotweed. His last name was also odd enough that when she first told me his entire name, I thought she was making it up.
I giggled and she admonished me “It isn’t nice to laugh at someone’s name”
“You are right, I shouldn’t laugh”
Shame on me though, when she would say his name over the next few weeks, I confess to an occasional giggle. Okay, so there we were in the car on our way to a school event where I was going to meet the famous Mr. S for the first time.
“I told Mr S that you laugh every time I say his name.”
Let’s describe me as annoyed. ” Lauren, you are right that I shouldn’t have laughed at his name, but if it only happened in private, nobody’s feelings were hurt. Now I am embarrassed and perhaps Mr S feels badly about it. I am upset that you told him this”
Lauren mulled this over, you could see the wheels turning. She was clearly trying to figure out which path was going to get her in less trouble.
“I am just kidding, Of course I didn’t tell him”
I looked at her for a bit.
“I don’t know if you are telling me the truth. I am going to have to ask Mr. S if you said something to him or not. This is your opportunity to tell me what is true” (I was sorely tempted to threaten her new fish, but that was still a secret.)
Pause, more thinking...
“I did tell him that you laugh”
“Thank you for telling me the truth”
Argh...
“Hello Mr. S, I am afraid I owe you an apology.
Mr S immediately let me off the hook.
“I have the kookiest name in the world, of course it makes people laugh.”
Mr. S, if you are reading this post, thank you for being such a great guy!
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