This week's topic
Siblings - nothing is ever quite the same!
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Imagine your partner says to you, "Honey, I really love you. You are one of the most important people in my life. Please don't be concerned that a younger, very adorable person will be spending a lot of time with me. They will possibly be sleeping with me in my bed for a while. There may be some sucking on my breast."
Hmmmm.
The oldest child was the center of the world for a time. Moving over to make room for a new member of the family isn't always easy.
Some big brothers and sisters are actually eagerly expecting the baby's arrival. Others are too young to really understand what is going on. Regardless, there is a big adjustment to be made. Many parents report that the older siblings are quite sweet to the baby, but act out horribly to the parents. Once in a while, but less often they will also act out towards the baby. One of the nurses who used to work with me remembers the time that her oldest daughter dropped a medicine ball on her new sister. Others have no malice but don't have a sense of how to be gentle.
Below are some suggestions that may help ease the transition.
Do some gentle preparation by including books about new babies among your reading choices. Please keep reading other favorites that have nothing to do with a new baby as well.
Once the baby has arrived give your older child plenty of opportunity to talk about what if feels like to have a baby in the house. Children might feel guilty for having some negative feelings. Validate that it is very normal for the big sister/brothers to sometimes feel mad, sad or aggravated. Some children might actually need to be told that the new brother or sister is here to stay as a part of the family. Sending the baby back in not an option.
Bestow a gift for the big sibling that is “from the baby”. I am not sure what the age cut off for getting away with this is. Lauren was a remarkably clever, almost 3 year old, when Alana came along. Nevertheless, when we gave her a little present from her baby sister, she accepted it without question. She was delighted and was quite pleased with the very thoughtful baby. I don’t recall what it was….
Some big siblings feel very important if you let them be "helpers". Find some safe baby related tasks for them to assist you with. This shouldn’t be hard to do. Even pulling out a diaper or wipe qualifies.
The most important tip of all is to make sure that you carve out one on one time with the older child. Often they are craving birth mom right now. If mommy is breast feeding, make sure that in between feedings she hands the baby off to the other parent or support system for burping, diaper changes, etc. and make a fuss about having "special big boy/girl time." Nurse Jen says that lots of people gave her this advice but she didn't realize that having a sleeping baby in a sling doesn't count. She wanted me to make sure to add that if you are holding the baby, it simply isn’t the special "one on one" time.
As your kids get older, the oldest child may always feel a bit entitled to some solo time.
If you can manage it, take just one child with you on routine errands and turn the outing into an adventure. Perhaps you can have only one child at a time allowed to "help" with a meal. Even a walk around the block or some special time at bedtime makes a difference. Try to make sure that each parent gets special time with each kid.
Be creative. Even if you are on the toilet, let the big one in with you and tell a story. Point out that this is “special big boy or big girl time” Hey, sometimes we need to be creative carving out our moments.
Once the second child comes along you will feel like simple math no longer adds up. One plus one must surely equal five. You will manage to find the balance, but those first few months are challenging to say the least.
With the first child you had the luxury of focusing on schedules and nap time as if they were set in stone. Unless you are remarkably lucky or hire someone, a true schedule doesn't really exist with this second child. Naps? Maybe while you are driving from here to there. Somehow these non firstborn children muddle through.
Do your remember how careful you were with the first one? You avoided crowds and made sure that no one came around if they weren't completely healthy. The new baby will simply be developing that immune system a bit earlier. There is almost no avoiding it, unless you never go out and you quarantine your older child to an unreasonable degree. Second kids get exposed to things quite a bit sooner. They survive.
I like to make the big siblings the deputies of the Hand Washing Patrol. Have hand sanitizer such as Purell around. If your toddler is prone to putting things in their mouth,you can also get the hand sanitizer that is alcohol free. Call it magic soap. Tell your ‘deputy’ that they are in charge of making sure that anyone who is going to touch the baby cleans their hands first. This may help make sure that they don't feel like they are constantly being nagged at.
One more important thing to keep in mind is that all of your kids will reach their milestones on their own timeline. It doesn't pay to compare them to each other or to the other kids in the play group. My baby Alana, for the record, doesn't mind when I use her as an example. She has her MSW from the University of Michigan and is currently working as a therapist here in San Francisco. She is a super star all around, but goodness was she slow starting out.
Talking: Lauren was singing Rogers and Hammerstein musicals at a remarkably young age. She not only knew the lyrics, but she sang them in tune. I have video proof of this. Alana barely had ten articulate words before she was two. Lauren would translate for her and act surprised that we didn't know that "gbabpgpsmp" meant, "I want popcorn please."
Walking: Lauren took her first steps at a year. Alana waited until she was about 16 months and then carried a chair across the room within a day of mastering walking.
Toilet training: Lauren was an early 15 months. Alana had no interest until she was 3. I thought we were going to have to buy depends.
They will all reach the milestones in their own time.
Siblings will have days when they are best friends and days when they torture each other. My older sister and I were fast friends until 4:00 pm like clockwork every day when she started to pull my hair while saying "Jeep Jeep". My husband was tortured by his older sister until his early teens! My daughters interspersed periods of intense closeness with periods of mild bickering.
If you can avoid it, try not to be the judge and jury. See if you can let them work out mild skirmishes. Observational statements can be fairly effective. " I see two girls who are having a hard time sharing."
Teach your children the very important tool called 'walking away power'. If they are having trouble with a sibling, leaving the room is a better choice than whacking them.
Fast forward 20 years:
My family was on a cruise, savoring time together. We were in Cozumel. My husband Sandy was off on a real dive, while the girls and I went Snuba diving. Snuba is a combination of Scuba and snorkeling. With Snuba you breathe through a 30 foot tube that is connected to an oxygen source that floats along the surface. My daughters were swimming along the ocean floor. I was about 10 yards above them watching them animatedly communicate with each other through hand gestures and some signing. I remember proudly thinking...look at my daughters. They are both intelligent, funny, kind and lovely. See how well they can communicate in that secret language that siblings share. I love them so much. I am so glad they have each other and that they have gotten so close as they have gotten older. Our time was up and the guide gestured to all of us that it was time to go up to the surface. They removed the mouth pieces and.......the fight continued:
"You were getting tangled in my hose"
"You were kicking too hard and making too many bubbles" and so on.
A mom can dream......
This post has been updated from one that I ran several years ago. I think that we could possibly get through a snuba excursion in peace, although Lauren has since gotten her actual scuba certification.
I still marvel over how different they are.
Lauren and her dad summited Mt. Kilimanjaro and then several years later made it to Everest Base Camp. I had used my rare veto power and forbid them from trying to go beyond base camp or approach the death zone (it is called the death zone for a reason!) Fortunately they heeded. Alana had zero desire to join them on these expeditions. She is my pedicure and shopping buddy. The sisters are incredibly close and relish time together. For the first time in many years they live in the same city. I mentioned that Alana is a mental health therapist. Lauren has started her own company called Inclusive Arts, whose mission is to create opportunities for individuals of all abilities to experience and participate in creative and performing arts.
With all the differences, they have important similarities. Both are wise and kind. I am a very fortunate mom.
* Bonus sibling tip from supermom Dee-Dee:
Make a kindness jar. Have a bowl of marbles (this is for families where choking hazards are no longer a concern.) Every time a sibling says or does something kind to one another, every witness gets to put one of the marbles in the jar. As soon as the jar is full, the family rewards itself with a special outing.
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