Intensive Parenting/Can your child survive if you don't monitor their every waking minute?

 In August 2024, Surgeon General, Dr. Vivek Murthy, issued an advisory on the mental wellbeing of parents. The report, Parents Under Pressure, shares that caregivers and parents are experiencing elevated levels of stress.

Really? Parenting is stressful? This comes as little surprise to those who are dealing with bedtimes, mealtimes, tantrums etc.

For those who do not have the bandwidth to read the entire advisory, it goes on to say that one-third of parents with children under 18 rate their stress level as 8 or higher on a 10-point scale, according to psychological association data. Two-fifths of parents report being “so stressed they feel numb.” Three-fifths say stress makes it hard to focus. Two-thirds are consumed by money problems.  

In every case, parents report markedly higher rates of stress than non-parents. 

Background

So what is the benefit of spotlighting parental stress? Does pointing it out just add more stress?  Actually, if shining a light on it might help us identify some potential action items, we think it is worthwhile.

The Parents under Pressure report places some of the blame on something called intensive parenting, which is what today’s post is about.

Intensive parenting is an ideology that parents’ emotion, energy, time, and money should be focused on their children (Hays, 1996). It is suggested that this has been a major strategy of parenting in many developed countries. 

How did we get here?

Everything makes more sense with a little context, and the pendulum always swings just as far in the opposite direction. In this case, the pendulum we are discussing is parenting styles. Intensive parenting is closer to one edge of the spectrum.

On the other extreme, in 1945 Rene Spitz found that children in homes and hospitals that were deprived of touch and emotional contact were caught in debilitating grief. This is where Spitz coined the term “Failure to Thrive (FTT)  “Such babies were deprived of 'maternal care, maternal stimulation, and maternal love”  (What Do Babies Need to Thrive? Changing Interpretations of 'Hospitalism' in an International Context, 1900-1945). 

Then psychologists John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth weaved together decades of conjoined research to establish Attachment Theory. In short, intensive parenting “appears” to be the answer to avoid raising children who are emotionally starved, failing to thrive, or at risk of becoming insecurely, or avoidantly attached. Looking more closely we now know that there needs to be a middle ground that doesn’t require choosing between parental burnout or thriving children. Both are possible! (Here is something to watch with more about Secure Attachment).  

Recognizing Intensive Parenting

We understand, of course, that there is no way to eliminate all parental stress, but if you can recognize if you’ve swung too far into intensive parenting, this can be one component of the issue. Let's take a closer look at intensive parenting and see if you can relate.

Take a moment and internally answer a few true/false questions. 

• Women are inherently better/more natural at parenting than men. 

• Parenting should be fulfilling and a delight. 

• Children should be cognitively and intellectually stimulated by their parents.

• Parenting is difficult and the most demanding job.

• Parents should prioritize the needs of the child above everything else.

More “yes’s” than “no’s” (three or more out of five) are indicative of this existential intensive parenting culture that is rampantly informing parenting behavior, cultural norms, and policy in our country.  

Some intensive parenting behavior is driven by social media (clicking this link will either make you laugh or cry). That is something parents 40 years ago didn’t have to deal with. To be fair, parents were playing the ‘look what my kid can do” and “you aren’t doing that right” game, long before Instagram came along.

But social media can’t be classified as something that is necessarily bad. Many parents get valuable insight, great little tips and support from some sites. Parenting can be very isolating so if positive connections can be found, we wouldn't want to take that away.

On the other hand, social media can also be a megaphone for misinformation as well as feeling judged and inadequate. The key is trying to figure out if something is making you feel good or bad. It’s not always easy to identify. 

My daughter Alana, a mental health therapist puts it this way to her clients. If you had a gas tank, is this thing adding gas to your tank or siphoning it away?

And if it’s draining your tank, take steps to remove it from your orbit. Give yourself permission to “unfollow” or “mute” those accounts when you find them.

Another extreme consequence of Intensive Parenting

Intensive parenting potentially teaches kids that they have unlimited power. When parents are constantly tending to their every whim past developmental necessity, providing stimulation, comfort, etc., children don’t have to learn to problem solve. One classic example of this is the parent who steps in at the first “I’m bored” to become the head of the entertainment committee. Another is when you become a short-order chef for your 2-year-old.

While we want your child to have a sense of empowerment, the most authentic way for them to get that is by achieving some things on their own.

I would go out on a limb and say that where effective parenting is concerned, it should be very clear that you are ultimately in charge. Not the three year old who really wants to see how many tennis balls fit in the toilet. Parents sometimes need a gentle reminder of this.

What can you do to combat Intensive Parenting? 

The Surgeon General’s advisory urges a societal shift to recognize and support parents’ mental health needs, and frames this as crucial to family and community health. Realistically, massive societal change is not immediately in your power. We need to start at the level where the agency lives, which is in your mindset, and behaviors. 

Sometimes restructuring things just a bit can make a difference.

Brittany addresses this in her work with parents and families. She spends a significant amount of time trying to convince parents that their self-care is not harming their children, and it is essential to their child’s present health and future development. There is a toxic message hidden within the intensive parenting ideology that parents' needs are less important than those of their children. Parents need sleep, healthy food, adult social stimulation, alone time, exercise, and play. When parents prioritize these things for themselves, health naturally overflows to their children. Parents parent from a better place, and the family system is overall healthier and more resilient. 

Here are her top actionable steps she gives parents: 

• Minimize digital toxins, i.e. social media that is rigid or not supportive. Try turning those alerts off so that you can better control when and how much you “see.” It’s okay if you’re not the first to like that new post. Have boundaries on news consumption.

• Maximize nutrition. Eat enough protein, fruits and vegetables. A lot of parents are walking around “hangry” and malnourished. 

• Spend time in nature 

• Build a supportive in-person community. Sometimes that’s with individuals we share genes. Most often it’s found in our “framily.”  This also means minimizing exposure to “energy vampires,” the people in your life that you find draining. This might unfortunately include close family members, at times.

• Mindset is life. Connection above perfection! And her personal favorite, “this isn’t happening to me, this is just happening.”

There is a fear that stepping away from your responsibilities as a parent makes you selfish, or that your child and their development will suffer. We do not advocate going back in time to the 1940s, as above, and fully ignoring your child. As professionals, our experience is that your kids will turn out ok if you step back a little bit to take time for yourself. Better than ok…we find that parents who prioritize themselves can raise more holistic humans. Remember, you’re a role model. What do you want your kids to be like when it’s their turn to raise a family?

Concluding Thought… 

Clearly, if you are among those who are feeling stressed out, you are not alone. Here is an old post from Nurse Judy that lists some more action items you can take to ease things a bit

Sometimes being a parent is all consuming. It is easy enough to lose sight of who you are once you take off your mommy or daddy hat. We suggest making a concerted effort to have some time for yourself and as well as your partnership. This benefits everyone in the family. You get to see that your kid survives without your 24/7 attention. 

Since financial stress is a real thing for many people there are creative ways to work around that. If you have friends with kids, take turns establishing a babysitting schedule where you can alternate helping each other out. Dates don’t need to be expensive. A picnic, a candlelight bath (remove the rubber ducks…or not), a romantic walk, a prolonged foot rub are great options.

Remember, more is often caught than taught when it comes to children, so it’s never too early to set a good example.

This post was a collaborative effort between Dr. Ted, Brittany Williams MAMFT, and Nurse Judy

The World could use a dose of Mr Rogers These Days

 I first ran this post several years ago after there was a week that seemed to have one horrible headline after another. It feels like a good time to run it again.

A generation of children grew up to be better people because of the lessons Mr. Rogers taught, but I wonder how many little ones know who he is anymore? 

He was as genuinely kind in person as he was on television. I know this because when I was a nurse at Children’s Hospital of Pittsburgh, he was a frequent visitor there.

He actually had the opportunity to personally console me one day.  I had chopped my waist length hair into an awful perm. I guess I was visibly upset over this bad haircut. What lessons did help me remember?

• Hugs help 

• Hair grows back.

Here are some of my favorite pieces of his wisdom:

• There are three ways to ultimate success: The first way is to be kind. The second way is to be kind. The third way is to be kind.

• There is only one thing evil cannot stand, and that is forgiveness.

• There's a part of all of us that longs to know that even what's weakest about us can ultimately count for something good. It is okay not to be perfect!

• Solitude is different from loneliness, and it doesn't have to be a lonely kind of thing.

• Accept people as they are.

• Look and listen carefully.

• We all have feelings. Talking and acknowledging them is the first step towards finding ways to deal with them that don’t hurt anyone.

• Anything that's human is mention-able, and anything that's mention-able can be more manageable. When we can talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary. The people we trust with that important talk can help us know that we're not alone.

• Wonder about things

• You can’t go down the drain in the bathtub. Don’t be shy about sharing things that might be scary.

• Be yourself. It is not how you look, what you wear or what toys you have that make you special.

• What can you grow in the garden of your mind? Use your imagination.

• You rarely have time for everything you want in this life, so you need to make choices. And hopefully your choices can come from a deep sense of who you are.

• One of the most important things a person can learn to do is to make something out of whatever he or she happens to have at the moment.

• Often out of periods of losing come the greatest strivings toward a new winning streak.

• Often when you think you're at the end of something, you're at the beginning of something else.

• There are times when explanations, no matter how reasonable, just don't seem to help.

• Love isn't a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like struggle. To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now.

• Look for the helpers. Those might be a person in uniform, or another parent with children. 

People have reached out to ask me how I am faring after the election. Actually, I am on a ‘headline hiatus’ for another week or so.

While I realized that many people are celebrating what they see as a victory, Personally, I am confused, sad and frightened.

At some point, when I am ready, I will  look at the world, roll up my sleeves, remind myself of some of Mr. Rogers' finer pieces of wisdom and see what I can do to make a positive difference

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The ghost in the Mirror/Leaving your kids alone for the first time...what could possibly go wrong?

 Several months ago, I saw a news article about how old your child needs to be before it is okay for them to be left at home without supervision. The guidelines vary widely from state to state. Interestingly, when it comes to actual laws, most states don’t have a specific age. 

I know that  it feels like just yesterday that your kids were still in diapers, but for most families, comes the time when it is very reasonable to transition from needing a babysitter.

There are obviously a lot of factors to consider.

• Does your kid tend to be responsible?

• Are they comfortable being left alone for a bit?

• Are there neighbors or resources nearby if needed?

It all brings to mind a true story about a time that I left my youngest daughter Alana home for the first time. Things didn't go exactly as planned.

She was somewhere between 10 and 11.

There was no school that day. It may have been a conference day, but I don’t actually recall. In any event, none of the parents were easily able to take the day off. 

We arranged for two of her closest friends Lauren T and Yael to spend the day at our house.

These were very responsible and fairly mature kids. Also, I was only 7 minutes away at the Noe Valley Pediatrics office if they needed me.

All of the parents  would take turns checking in. We felt pretty comfortable with the plan.

I was not expecting any issues, so I was surprised when mid day, Alana called me in a complete panic.

To the best of my recollection the conversation went something like this

Mommy, we need you to come home right away!

Is everyone okay?

There was a ghost in the mirror, please come home!

Um, excuse me? Please take a deep breath and tell me what is going on.

We tried to conjure someone and he appeared. There was a 4th set of eyes reflected in the mirror. We all saw this. PLEASE, just come here and we will tell you the whole story

If I need to leave work for something bizarre like this, I am going to be mighty annoyed.

We will do anything. No allowance for the rest of my life. Please come home.!!!!

I tried one last thing.

Surely Java would bark if there was something creepy in the house

(In all honesty, Java, our golden retriever would more likely bring the ghost her ball and ask him to throw it. She wasn’t much of a watchdog.)

Java is already out with the dog walker. She isn’t here. Please come home!

So, I explained to my office that apparently there was a ghost in my bathroom mirror and I needed to leave. Bless them, they were remarkably supportive.

I got home and the three girls collectively flew into my arms.

They tearfully told me what had happened.

MTV had a show called 2together that featured a fictional boy band. If you are in your thirties, you might remember the show. Both of my girls were huge fans. Lauren’s room was plastered with 2gether posters. (Sigh, they are still up there. Her childhood room is where I do much of my writing and it is frozen in time).

In January 2001, the youngest member of the band had died from leukemia.

All of their young fans were devastated over this tragic loss.

So here they were, a month or so after his death.. Alana and her friends decided to create some type of ritual. They went into the dark bathroom, stared into the mirror and chanted his name over and over. Suddenly, at the same time, they all swear that they saw a 4th reflection staring back at them.

This was more than 20 years ago but some memories stick with you.

Lauren T. remains one of Alana’s closest friends after all of these years. Here are her recollections in her words:

It was a Jewish holiday (this is what I remember, but you are probably totally right that it was parent-teacher conferences), and Alana, Yael, and I all had the day off. We were at Alana’s house, and it was one of those gray SF days, where the sun perhaps gave minimal effort to bust through in the morning, but had long since given up before the moment in question. 

Michael Cuccione, one of the stars of 2Gether and our mutual tween crush, had recently passed away. We decided to try and contact him through a practice called “Ghost in the Mirror.” In my memory, we were giddy about it, giggling our way to the bathroom, the soft carpet of the Kivowitz’s house on my feet, the coziness of the day still palpable all these years later. 

I stood in the middle, with Alana and Yael on either side, their hands in mine. We turned off the lights. I closed my eyes. We started chanting in unison, “Michael Cuccione. Michael Cuccione. Michael Cuccione. Micheal Cuccione. Micheal Cuccione….” All of a sudden, I heard Yael and Alana screaming. I opened my eyes to two bright yellow eyes making their way down the mirror and out towards us. We all scrambled to open the door. It was stuck. We finally got it open and raced down the stairs. 

I sat in one of the big living room chairs. My finger was bleeding. Was it because I had nicked it on the door handle…or something more sinister? 

I of course remember Judy coming home. Relief, warmth, safety…and I think subconsciously, a sense of understanding. I think back now to what it felt like to have an adult not just hold space for our fear, but also for our mischief, our curiosity…our wonder. It’s a moment that surely changed me, and what an invaluable gift that the adult in the room found a way to both comfort us and also validate us - a line I can only imagine was challenging to toe. 

I’m so grateful that Judy didn’t try to explain away the “logical” reasons why this might have happened, like so many other adults in my life.I know what I saw, but more importantly, I know what I felt. And I will never, ever forget it. 

For the record, I am not sure that I didn’t try (and fail) to find a rational explanation for what had happened. Also, Alana does NOT remember me being quite as warm and fuzzy that day, but I appreciate Lauren sharing her memories!

And yes of course this story will be included in the book that I am working on.

………………………………………………………………………………………………..

If you are at this transitional stage when you are getting ready to let your kiddos stay home alone:

• Start small, leave them alone while you do a short errand and see how that feels.

• Have rules and expectations set and discussed in advance such as not leaving the house or opening the door to stranger.

• Make sure that no one has access to firearms.

• Until they are old enough that this isn’t an issue, have safe food and snacks available so that they don’t need to be using the stove or doing actual cooking.

• Make sure they know where flashlights are and that the batteries are working.

• Have all the phone numbers for emergency contacts written down, don’t rely on a cell phone.

• Arrange routine check in’s.

• Oh and……absolutely NO conjuring any spirits

Because you never can anticipate everything, as evidenced by this story, you might consider this game/exercise that I did with my kids. It helps your children work on essential problem solving skills.

I couldn’t help using this photo. Lauren now has an album out on Spotify called Old Haunts and Alana was her ghost.