Forgiveness and Atonement |
"Forgiveness is a strange thing. It can sometimes be easier to forgive our enemies than our friends. It can be hardest of all to forgive people we love. Like all of life's important coping skills, the ability to forgive and the capacity to let go of resentments most likely take root very early in our lives." Fred Rogers Being angry is like swallowing a spiky and potentially poisonous stone. It can do no good inside of you...poop it out and flush it away Nurse Judy This week was Yom Kippur. This is considered one of the most important days in the Jewish Calendar. It is a Holy Day, rather than a Holiday, unless you consider fasting and deep introspection something you celebrate. I am not a classically religious person. My friends and family have heard me say that my belief system is simple:
So while I am skeptical about an all powerful being with a white beard judging my every action, there is something about Yom Kippur that has me treat the day with a bit of reverence. The message around Yom Kippur is twofold: forgiveness and atonement. I will address forgiveness first. I am not saying that you shouldn’t get angry at someone who has done something wrong. By all means, feel those feelings as much as you need to. But then take a moment to do some thinking. When we feel a strong emotion we can ask ourselves what this particular feeling is trying to communicate to us. Perhaps something has been threatened or a boundary has been crossed. Once you have identified the purpose of the emotion it has done its job. Now it is time to let your head take over. It might seem like I am going off topic, but bear with me for a moment. When I was working at Noe Valley Pediatrics, it was not unusual for kids to vomit, poop or bleed on a surface or the floor. People who work with kids know that this is simply part of the job. Bodily secretions are considered biohazards. We had to have a system for dealing with these messes. Fortunately we had these nifty little kits designed for exactly this purpose. The amazing medical assistants who I was lucky enough to work with would spring into action. They would put on some protective equipment and proceed to sprinkle a special substance on the mess. This chemical turned whatever yucky stuff we were dealing with into a gel form that created a blob that was easily cleaned up and disposed of. These clean up kits were a valuable tool. Anger and grudges directed towards someone are like a biohazard. Those negative feelings can actually impact your health. You need tools for learning how to change something potentially toxic into something more benign and easily dealt with. Talk to a therapist. Meditate. See what you can come up with that helps you let go of stuff. One technique that I like is to turn mad into sad. Turn anger into disappointment. Those are easier to manage. Don’t forget to forgive yourself! None of us are perfect and we all have lessons to be learned. You will be amazed how much lighter you can feel when you let go of all that negative energy. The next aspect of Yom Kippur is atonement. This day is actually called the Day Of Atonement, so maybe this should have come first. The day involves fasting, and for many observant Jews, solemn prayer asking for forgiveness from God and people in our lives for any possible sins or wrongdoing that we may have committed during the past year. There is a lovely ritual called tashlich, where you toss breadcrumbs into a body of water as a symbol of casting off your sins. I remember one year, I took my young daughters out in a boat on Stow Lake to do our own version and toss bread to the ducks (ducks actually shouldn’t eat bread, but I didn’t know that at the time. I have forgiven myself.) We did our own little ritual. “Is there anything you have done that you feel sorry about?” Lauren went first and did it with a gusto as she tossed piece after piece to the eager ducks. She had an absolute laundry list of confessions. “This is for the time that I ……. And this is for the time that I……" She went on for several minutes confessing to all sorts of little misdemeanors that I had been clueless about. Yikes! Finally she was done. Her conscience was clear. “Alana, it’s your turn, Is there anything you feel regret about? “Nope” “Nothing at all?” “Nope..” Okay, well then. Shake your head if you must as I did, but knowing Alana it is quite possibly accurate. When I think about atoning, I think it is imperative to point out the difference between intent and impact. While good intentions gone awry happen frequently, It is the impact that is what matters. If you accidently knocked over a glass of milk, pointing out that it was awfully close to the edge of the table is not an appropriate part of the apology. If you said something hurtful, it doesn’t matter all that much if you meant it or not. If it caused pain, make the apology a clean one, don’t muck it up with the defense or reason. Simply be sorry, learn the lesson and try not to repeat. Parents, caregivers and people who are role models to children - they are watching you! If you can learn to forgive, they will notice. If you learn to admit mistakes and try to do better in the future, they will notice. As the amazing Mister Rogers noted in the quote at the beginning, these behaviors take root early on. There is nothing easy about this. Especially these days when it is so easy to be angry at people who are making horrible choices. I wish it was actually as easy as tossing crumbs into the lake. Have I completely forgiven the people who stole the catalytic converter out of my 14 year old Honda a few months ago? Perhaps. Knowing that I cursed them with never ending pinworms, bedbugs and head lice took a little of the sting out of it. |
