Horrible headlines/ How to talk to your kids/ What would you do if?

 

 

Last week, civilized caring people everywhere were horrified with the senseless shootings in Orlando. If that wasn’t enough, the bizarre death of the toddler by a crocodile made any person watching the news want to curl up and weep. It is all too frequent that we turn on the TV to find out about sad and scary events. Several parents have asked me to write a blog addressing how to talk about these incidents with our children.

Obviously the first step is to protect them from the media as much as you can, but even if they are not watching TV, if parents are devastated by an incident, your kids may well pick up on the fact that something is “not right.” Talking about things out in the open makes future conversation possible and keeps things from feeling like a bad secret that needs to be avoided at all cost. Unfortunately simply avoiding tough conversations won’t make the issue go away. You may decide to ask your kids if they heard that something sad or bad had happened. Allow them to tell you what they have heard or seen. I wish I had the perfect way to make sense of the inexplicable evil. I have to believe that there is more good than bad; the bad folks just make so much noise.

We need to feel like we have some tools for dealing with emergencies if they happen closer to home. I am rerunning my problem solving post (one of my favorites) but I have added some new thoughts at the bottom.

What  would you do if?

I have been doing these little weekly emails for just about 3 years now. Some posts are clearly more relevant to parents with young children while others are much more applicable to older children. Some are more global and your child's age doesn't matter so much. This is the latter.

Today's topic is a about an important activity that you can do with your child that teaches them to be "problem solvers".

Although at first glance it may seem targeted to parents with older children, in fact everyone could learn from it. Adults need to learn to be problem solvers also. Some are much better at this than others. For instance, if you got in a fender bender, what would you do? Many folks would just freeze and panic. What should you do?

*Assess for injury;  call 911 if needed

*If you are on a highway, wait for assistance. Getting out of the car might be more dangerous

*Know where your insurance info is

*Take a photo of any damage

*Take a photo of the other driver's insurance card and driver's license...etc.

*Always have a charger in your car for your cell phone so that a low battery is never an issue.

But I do I want to add one more benign  tidbit here. What if you lost your cell phone or it ran out of batteries and you don't happen to have a charger? Do you know important phone numbers, or do you count on speed dial? Having a list of important numbers in an accessible place is a good idea for everyone.

Having a plan in advance could help you stay calm.

Years ago, the concept that everyone would carry around an individual cell phone seemed as futuristic as the communicators on Star Trek. Now, of course it is hard to imagine how we got along without them. It was, however, the lack of the cell phone that prompted me to create a game that became a favorite in our family.

It must have been 1994 and I was on my way to pick up Alana from preschool. She was about 4 years old at the time. It was one of those days. I was uncharacteristically running late. Then, I got stuck in terrible traffic. To compound things, I took some random turns to try to work around the congestion and ended up utterly lost. (Remember that this was also before Google maps or GPS.)  My stomach was in a knot and I wondered what my younger daughter would do when mommy was late picking her up.

It turned out that she was calmly waiting for me in the office, but that was the day that the "what would you do if" game was created.

It went something like this:

I would ask a question such as, "What should you do if mommy is late picking you up? What are some of the choices? Which is the best one?"

Getting a teacher or trusted grown up to wait with her or take her to the office was clearly the right answer and I praised her for figuring that out on her own.

Alana loved this game. We created all sorts of situations

" What if we were at a store and you couldn't find me?

Alana.." I would go to the check out and ask them to page you"

We never made it too simple...

Mommy :"What if they refused?"

Alana :"I would demand to talk to the manager"

Our scenarios covered any number of little emergencies including earthquakes, fires, and getting lost or separated. The better you are at problem solving, the easier it gets to improvise.

This game came in handy more than once. The shining example that comes to mind happened after years of playing this game. Alana and I were walking the dog on the beach one day. I had donated blood earlier that morning and didn't realize how foolish I was for doing anything strenuous. I got very light headed and ended up down on the sand trying hard not to completely pass out. Alana was ten at the time and she went right into problem solving mode. We did have cell phones at this point. She got the dog on the leash, patted some water on my forehead and calmly called daddy. I could vaguely hear her talking. "Mommy fainted...I think she is okay."

The game was such a success that my sister taught it to her kids. Hers had an interesting spin because they lived in Alaska at the time:

"What would you do if you saw a bear?"

"What would you do if a moose wanders into the yard?"

There were actually times when these things happened, and my nephews were able to act calmly and appropriately!

Topics can range from handling a bully to getting separated on Muni. Being prepared for unexpected situations can be invaluable.

 If your child finds themselves without you and in need of assistance, finding a grown up wearing a uniform is often a valid option for some of the difficult situations. Finding a parent who has a child with them and asking them for help, might be another safe option.

This game is meant to empower. It is wonderful for some kids, but could be terrifying for others. You need to assess your child's temperament before playing. Either way, identify a problem or situation. Start with simple, less scary ones. Discuss all the possible solutions and then agree what the best plan should be for any given situation.

Stressful situations happen. Teaching your child to take a deep breath and use their problem solving skills is one of those things you can do now that can have lasting implications for them when they grow up.

Even teaching a very young child to dial 911 in an emergency can be life saving!

You have to figure out if this will be empowering for your child as it was for Alana. My daughter Lauren never liked to play it. In fact, I remember one day when Lauren and I were taking a walk, I tripped on something, stumbled and fell. I was perfectly fine, but Lauren's reaction was to start screaming. I think she was ten at the time. As she says, "mommies aren't allowed to fall". Every kid is different. As your child grows, the situations that you might want to bring up will increase in scope.

Preparation is power.

It saddens me we have to be prepared for things other than losing track of our kids on Muni, but that is the world we live in.

Have a family plan in place in case of emergency.   If someone other than one of the regular people is going to pick up your child, have a family “safe word” so that they know they were sent by you.

Do you have your earthquake/emergency kit ready? Does it include adequate diapers, medications, pet food? Where will everyone meet up if home is not a safe option? Find out from your schools what kind of emergency plans they have in place.

Teach your kids to get in the habit of looking for emergency exits, especially for your olds kids who are at a concert, theater or a club.

I think that the "what would you do" exercise is actually something that you might want to do with a nanny or caretaker. Training to keep calm in any type of emergency situation is essential.

If there is a crisis or loss that is closer to home

http://nursejudynvp.blogspot.com/2015/12/dealing-with-losshelping-your-child-cope.html

Kidspower is another fabulous resource. I reached out to the director Irene, and she shared the following valuable links.

Helping Children Regain Their Emotional Safety After a Tragedy

Tragic Shootings: How Can We Protect Our Loved Ones and Ourselves From Violent Attacks?

Safety Comes From Inside Ourselves: Protecting Emotional Safety After A Terrorist Attack

Fears about School Shootings and Lockdown Drills – Kidpower Recommendations and Resources

A Father's Day post from "Mr" Nurse Judy

Happy father’s day!

In honor of father’s day, Nurse Judy has invited me pen this week’s column and share some of my thoughts about why I have, and you the dad can have, the absolutely greatest relationship with your kids through all stages of their lives. I believe that inherently, mothers are more nurturing, protective, overtly emotional, physical, and “maternal” in their instincts, beliefs and behaviors towards their children. But from the moment I first saw Lauren, a day that all who know me recognize as the most impactful day of my life, I knew I was going to give Nurse Judy a run for the money. I, like many of my generation, had an ok relationship with my parents. But it was not the one I wanted with my kids, and that became immediately obvious that day Lauren was born.

I have been called a lot of things over the years. I am frequently referred to as Mr. Nurse Judy. After years of taking our golden retriever to the park up the hill in the afternoon when the local elementary school let out, I became known to a few generations of kindergarteners and first graders as Java’s daddy. I was known as a business executive. But the grandest name I treasure is that of daddy (or father or papa bear or…)  Why? Because after building a relationship with Lauren for 28 years, and with Alana for 25 years, I continue to have new and grand experiences with them, experiences that are direct descendants of the beliefs I had in raising them. And now I have a daughter who jumped at the opportunity to go on a daddy/daughter cross country road trip when she left for grad school, where we got to eat yellow (yes, there’s a story there) in Indiana, and simply cross a bridge into Kansas, make a U-turn, leave and say “we’re not in Kansas anymore.” And I have a daughter who is still my roller coaster buddy every August, and is accompanying me on what may be the stupidest thing I ever try – climbing Kilimanjaro. So how did I get here?

First of my early parenting philosophies was simply make time. I’m not talking about the “I’ll play with you when I get home and I’ll read you a bedtime book” type of time.  I’m talking about the “take a morning off to hear your 2nd grader say one line in a play; use vacation days to chaperone school outings; play Barbie for hours on end; and supervise a cabin full of 5th grade boys on the school trip” kind of time. A typical dad probably spends more time away from their child than the mom. So take advantage of the time that you can have!  As soon as my kids came home from the hospital, I never missed an opportunity to be with them. Each night, when an infant would wake up and cry, I went in. It was pickup and delivery to Judy to nurse them.  Judy thinks I was doing this for her but she was just a benefactor. I picked them up, sang softly or told stories to them as I cleaned them up, and then brought them to our room. And then back to their cribs. Every night. We built up quite the relationship. Bath time? That was mine too. Nightly bedtime ritual? Well we both had one. But much of my daughters’ love for the great rock and roll of my youth comes from that time we spent every night.  As they became toddlers, every weekend I took them to Miz Brown’s diner in Laurel Village. So Judy could get more sleep? Hmm, ok, but not really. It was completely selfish on my part. Want more time? Be the home that welcomes the gathering of the friends. While perhaps not directly involved in your child’s life at that moment, the benefits are extraordinary in what you get to witness, the welcoming environment you’re modeling for your kids, and the lifetime of relationships with your childrens’ friends, who consider you an extra dad.

Next on my list of dad-parenting beliefs is “don’t look for a reason to say yes; assume that’s the answer, and instead force yourself to look for a reason to say no.” It’s simple but at least for me, it was initially uncomfortable and unnatural. But once I grew comfortable with this practice, it was an epiphany! Saying yes to as much as you can say yes to, is so much easier than saying no. And it has such wonderful benefits. Questioning, exploring, learning, experiencing…and you get to be a cool dad! Talking about going on a family camping trip when you’re asked if they can try camping in the house? Say yes, and set up the tent in the living room, light the fire, roast marshmallows, and sleep in sleeping bags. We can all think of valid reasons not to do this and I’m certain my instinctual reaction was “too much time; too much effort, and then I have to clean it all up and put it away.” But saying no wasn’t going to lead to the magnificent shared family memory we now have 20+ years later, and I certainly don’t remember anything about setting it all up or taking it down.  “Dad, can I help?” Of course there are reasons to say no; it will certainly take more time. And you may have to watch your language. Unless it’s urgent, so what? Invite your 3-year-old to crawl under the car with you. Rub some dirt on their nose to make it official! And let them help! “Can I go someplace?”; “can someone sleep over?” Yes. And yes. Unless something is a threat to their health and well-being, be quick with the yes! Might some of these yeses have less than ideal implications to you and your free time? Probably, but that’s not what you’re going to remember!  Only after saying yes can you then figure out if there is a “no” reason significant enough to change your mind. The more you say yes, the more they will ask you. As school children. As teenagers. And now as adults.

You will recognize my last pearl of wisdom as a modification of the Peter Pan syndrome. Let them be kids as long as possible!  While it may be cliché, as we all know and live every day, once that’s gone, it’s gone forever, and I know that I, and maybe you, wish you could get it back! So don’t take it away from them. Don’t be in such a hurry to “help” them see things as you see them, through adult eyes and perceptions. They are emotionally, physically, and intellectually naïve – it's a wonderful time so don’t rush to take that away from them. In fact, for a truly wonderful relationship, force yourself to see the world as they do! That’s why I once found a pet/fish store open till midnight so I could go out and replace the fish that had died when Lauren was asleep (and yes, I brought the dead fish with me to try to get a match!) Of course she would have to learn to deal with the death of a beloved pet, and eventually beloved humans. But she didn’t have to learn about it that day, and it let her be a kid a little bit longer. 

Don’t try to explain why work is so busy, that you need to do it to pay the bills that benefit them, and thus you don’t have time to play Chutes and Ladders for the 5th time in the past 2 hours. Instead, see it through their filters – why would anyone want to deal with things that are drudgery and frustrating when you can have fun playing a grand game? They didn’t ask to be your child – you decided to make them your child. I hope that decision was made with an appreciation for the fact that this responsibility instantly became the single greatest responsibility you have ever undertaken. The consequences of that decision are literally life changing for all involved. If it’s not your greatest responsibility, then something’s awry and you will miss out on immeasurable joy.

In the summer of 1988, my family of 3 (Lauren was 1) was invited to a swimming party at the home of my then senior VP. He had 4 adult daughters. While everyone was subtly vying for his attention, I spent the greater part of the day with Lauren in the pool. Late in the afternoon, the VP’s wife found me and pulled me aside to tell me that her husband had spent much of the day watching us play in the pool. Why? As she explained, he had been the wonderful corporate soldier. Moved all around the country when he was asked to. Frequently travelling. Successfully moved up to senior VP of one of the world’s largest companies. And she told me that if he had to do it all again, he would rather have spent the time in the pool with his daughters, because now he was here, envying me and the relationship I was already building with my child. Over the course of my career, I was often asked to make those same sacrifices, but by then I had already learned my golden rule – I worked to live; not lived to work. And while I had a satisfying and rewarding career, I never reached for those corporate stars that were dangled in front of me. Because one day I was hoping that I would have the type of relationship with my children that allows me to eat yellow with one of them, and climb a mountain with the other.