Creating a healthy bedtime ritual
No families sleep routine is exactly the same.
When I was growing up my mom was early to bed and early to rise. She loved getting up at dawn and having the quiet house to herself while the rest of us slept.
My dad was a night owl and was delighted if I stayed up with him to keep him company. I remember doing some odd projects together including translating physics from Russian to English or building a ‘heath kit’ color TV. Sometimes it was just watching the late news. I typically called it a night long before he did.
So when Sandy and I had kids, creating a firm bedtime was not at the top of my list. It was right up there for Sandy though; he was (and still is) a data hound. He had read how important sleep was. He was the one who did most of the sleep training when the kids were young and he was certainly the enforcer when it came to bedtime.
One evening, the kids may have been 3 and 6, Sandy was out of town on business. It turned out that several of my good friends were also playing single mom that week. We gathered at one of their homes with all the kids and ordered in chinese food. The kids were running around and the moms were chatting. I wasn’t keeping close track of the time, but it was late and the kids were starting to get cranky.
“Hey girls, don’t get whiney, This was a special treat and I let you stay up”
“No, we are tired! It is past our bedtime. Daddy would have made sure we were home and in bed!”
Uh…way to throw me under the bus, I was NOT expecting this response.
But even when they don’t tell you as clearly as mine told me, kids do thrive from routine. Have you ever noticed how some kids go down for a nap like clockwork at daycare but fight it at home? If the schedule is wishy-washy, kids will push to see what kind of power they can exert. That’s their job! Your job is to make sure that the rules are clear and the enforcement is consistent. Kids will ultimately follow them and thrive.
Have a set bedtime and try hard to stick to it. Block out a reasonable amount of time for the process. It might vary from child to child but count on at least 30 minutes. Be present for this. Ideally this means keeping laptops and phones out of the room. Blink and your child will have outgrown these magic moments. Savor the sweetness.
The goal is for bedtime to be the perfect time for deep connection rather than a battle. Sandy brought his guitar in and had a repertoire of oldies that he would sing. Make your own memories.
When you are establishing a firm, new routine, talking about it for the first time during the actual bedtime when your little one is tired is NOT the time to learn about new rules.
This will work best if they are part of the team. Have a conversation about this earlier in the day. Let them help create a routine that feels comfortable. Let them help negotiate how many songs/books etc. Discuss some rewards that they can earn for going right to sleep and not trying delay tactics
My grandson Elliot, who is the grand master of bedtime delays and shenanigans is actually doing very well with a simple sticker chart. He earns stickers for easy bedtimes and a certain amount of stickers can turn into specific rewards. I would rather focus on rewards, but discuss consequences for not cooperating. These can range from not going on a special outing, or cutting the allotment of screen time.
Problem Solve some common issues before they happen.
I am thirsty: okay to have a sippy cup or water bottle near the bed
I want an extra yogurt pouch: Be clear on a reasonable window for getting a last minute snack. Once the teeth are brushed there is no more eating. I know it breaks your heart to hear the “but I’m hungry”. Try not to cave. “Tomorrow we will make sure to have a snack before you brush your teeth.”
I am afraid there is a monster under my bed: This house is safe. There are no monsters. If you like we can put a nightlight in here. (Do not search for monsters. This would indicate that the possibility of a monster in the closet exists.)
I have to poop: This is a tough one, I would take them to the potty but do NOT engage or talk to them. Make it very businesslike.
Other considerations
- Avoid sugary foods and screen time in the period before bed.
- If possible make sure kids are exposed to natural daylight during the day.
- Start dimming lights and lowering the noise and energy level about 45 minutes before the actual bedtime. This is very impactful!
- A cooler room is more conducive to good sleep.
- Keep the bed for sleeping and napping. Do not use it for ‘time outs’ or playing.
- Model good behavior (sorry daddy, you were not such a good example in this one instance.)
- Try to keep the schedule the same every night. Weekends shouldn’t be different from school days.
- If you or your child are having consistent issues falling asleep, it is worth checking iron and Vitamin D levels. Low levels can be associated with insomnia.
If you are feeling more ambitious and have the bandwidth, another way to have a really clear routine is to make a Bedtime Book with your kids.
Children love ritual and will enjoy reading their special book night after night. You will tire of it long before they do. Here is a step by step guide to making your own. Many children love helping you make the book by posing for the appropriate pictures. Of course this means you actually have to print some, rather than having them live exclusively on your phone.
Make your Bedtime book: Get a binder. Bonus if it has an insert on the front so you can slide in a photo. This should not be too hard to find. Put the pages into clear page protectors for a waterproof book that you can tweak over time by adding or subtracting pages. You may want to update it yearly with current photos and rituals.
Call it what you want; MY BEDTIME BOOK or add your child's name and age.
Start the book with photos of important people and introduce them.
Here is (parent) and if there are two of you, here is (parent),
Here is (sibling)
Here is (pet)
This is Me (or us if there is more than one child sharing the book)
For young kids, I would keep it to your immediate family members and pets, but you can be as inclusive as you want but keep in mind that unless you want to be reading for hours, this is not the time for the entire family tree
Next add a picture of your house with street sign and address:
This is where my family lives (great way for kids to learn their address)
Picture of bed.
Picture of special blanket.
This is the safe comfy place where I sleep.
These are my special stuffed animals.
If your child has two homes you can take a picture of each room and make 2 copies of the book so there is one at each house. It is nice to have a ritual that is consistent in both places.
Take pictures of your nighttime rituals such as:
I get into Pajamas
Picture of a toothy smile - Before I go to sleep I brush my teeth. It is important to have clean and healthy teeth.
We get into bed and the lights get a little darker (picture of snuggling).
You can add some open-ended pages that allow the story to vary each night. Options include things like:
Pick several from this list:
We have read our (number that you have agreed on) stories/books
We have sung our (number that you have agreed on) songs
Let's talk about something I did today that I am proud of
Let's talk about something I did today that was kind
Let's talk about something I learned today
What was the silliest thing that happened today
Let's talk about something special that we can look forward to tomorrow
We send special goodnight "thought kisses" to people that we love
Finally, end with pages appropriate to winding down the good night process:
Getting good sleep is important. My body does a lot of growing when I am asleep.
My family is very proud of me when I stay in bed all night. If I get up too much they might get grumpy (photo of silly grumpy faces)
Now it is time to say good night and to turn off the light; maybe I will get a special massage (optional but what a nice way to end the day) Good night!! See you tomorrow!!
A note from Akira Seuradge, Certified Pediatric Sleep Consultant and Founder of The Sleep Good Co: No one is immune to bedtime battles. They can happen to us all and I say this not only as a sleep consultant but also as a mum of three.
In order for your child to sleep well they need 2 things:
- To feel Safe, Secure and Comfortable
- A need for the brain and body to be ready for sleep
A key way to prioritize this is by setting limits and boundaries around bedtime which will translate to confidence around night time sleep. This does not mean they will no longer need you but it will give you both the confidence to sleep well. One of my favorite ways to let your little one know that you are always nearby is to visit them during the night and snap a photo of you with them or leave a sticky note near their bed to remind them they were never really alone.
Final note: No matter how drama free your bedtime routine is, there will be disruptions. Travel, occasional special events and/or illness can throw big curveballs into the mix. Take a deep breath. You can recognize that sometimes exceptions will happen, with the understanding that once you are back home/or the illness is over you go right back to the established routine. | 
No comments:
Post a Comment