I No one ever said that being a parent was easy. I am not talking about the lack of sleep. I am referring to all the decisions that you need to make as a team. People come from different backgrounds, cultures and parenting styles. It is not always easy to merge approaches and points of view. Navigating the barrage of vastly differing opinions from grandparents, friends and online sources doesn’t necessarily make it any easier. As an advice nurse for so many years, I have been fortunate enough to forge authentic relationships with many of my patients and their families. At some point,I found myself expanding beyond the standard health topics and spending a lot of time discussing behavior challenges. Parenting styles and responses to behavioral issues are so personal. It became common for parents to trust me to be a sounding board for their disagreements. They wanted ‘Judge Judy’ to be the arbiter, but I was always clear from the start that the only side I would be on was that of the child. My biggest piece of advice was “love your child more than your need to be right” Most couples have some common themes that they disagree about and tend to have the same arguments over and over. Feel familiar? These aren’t limited to parenting. (I think that the knives in the dishwasher should be pointed down!) Even if there isn’t agreement, the sense that you are being heard can be enormously important. As many parents have discovered, when toddlers are having a tantrum, they often will calm much sooner when the caregiver confirms what they are observing. “You are mad that you have to leave the sandbox right now.” “I know you don’t want to lie still right now, but you have a giant, stinky poop and I would rather not get it all over the walls.” “I know you don’t want to put shoes on, but that is the rule when we walk outside.” In the above instances, you are not letting them have their way, yet validating their feelings still makes a difference. That need to be ‘seen’ doesn't go away as we get older. You might be surprised how an argument loses its steam when the other person simply feels heard. It is also important to accept the possibility that rules can be amended and there isn’t always a clear ‘right or ‘wrong’. Optical illusions are the perfect example of the fact that there is often more than one right way to look at things. One classic one pictured here is either a white goblet or two profiles in black. Both images exist. Some people can see both. Telling someone that there is only the image of the goblet is not going to do anything to change the mind of the person who sees the profiles. They see what they see. Many people actually feel threatened when deep beliefs are challenged. Take a few moments to watch the link below. So often squabbles involve people going back and forth or talking in circles. You may even agree with many of the core issues, but get so caught up in making your next point that no one stops to see or evaluate what is actually being said or heard. If bickering is something that you actually get a charge out of, then by all means continue in your old patterns. (You might do your partner the courtesy to see if they enjoy it as much as you do.) But if you both are willing to break that cycle of bickering, not surprisingly, the magic ingredient is real communication. This deep communication that I am referring to, is the genuine attempt to hear and understand what the other person sees and feels. It relies on active listening There is a big difference between casual conversation, political debate and actual deep listening. A casual conversation can be effortless. It can bump along without a clear agenda and touch on a variety of topics. Do you always remember what you talked about? Not likely. On the other extreme, real communication in political debates these days is almost nonexistent. Usually the end goal of a discussion is not to try to hear the other person's point of view but rather to pontificate the same talking points over and over again. I am guilty as charged and with some of the hot button topics, It would be a lot of deep work for me to try to get beyond my sense of what ‘should be’ to delve into what someone on the other side is thinking. If world leaders are interested in sitting down with me, that would be lovely, but until then, let’s focus on your micro world, where you actually have some power to affect change. Intentional Communication, step by step.... Start with something simple, like how you both want to handle your mother-in-law allowing your child more screen time than you are comfortable with, before working up to why assault rifles should not be legal for anyone who wants one. Step one: Agree that you are willing to listen fully Step two : Find a time of day when no one is exhausted, hungry or in pain, try to have a long enough stretch that you won’t feel rushed or get interrupted. (I know, good luck with that.) Step three: agree on the ground rules Pick one focused topic. The speaker holds an item that ‘gives them the floor’. This can be a teddy bear, bottle of wine, or wearing a silly hat. Bonus points if you can keep your sense of humor throughout. Whoever possesses the item gets to talk with no interruptions; you will get your turn. Set a timer for 5 minutes, not as a limit, but for awareness. If they have more to say, reset for another 5. The first speaker hands over the item and it is time to swap roles. The first listener starts by repeating a short summation of what they ‘heard’ from the other person's narrative. If there is something you don’t understand ask for clarification. If there is a part that you agree with, highlight that. (This is not the time for you to tell them why you think they are wrong.) Switch sides. One important ground rule is that no one just walks out on the conversation when things get heated. Either person can ask for a ten minute break, and then the conversation continues. I asked Oath’s wonderful therapist for her input on this Brittany’s offerings: Asking for verbal consent before starting the conversation can be helpful for those deep, emotionally charged topics. An example, “I am ready to initiate repair from our last argument and discuss what that experience was like for both of us. Are you in a space mentally and emotionally right now to have this conversation with me?” There are always two streams of communication occurring simultaneously, the report (verbal, the content of what we are communicating) and the command (nonverbal communication, rate of speech, tone, body language). When you’re the communicator, it’s important to make sure both pieces of your communication are flowing in the same direction. As the listener you want to make sure your nonverbal communication is reflective of what the speaker is saying. This is essential to the communicator feeling seen at a neuronal level (think satisfying those mirror neurons). Once you have both had a chance to share your point of view, the real problem solving can begin. Naming the issues often makes them much easier to work on Review the things you agree on. Come on, there must be something…. You can decide how you will make this decision. Do you both need to come to a full agreement? Are there compromises that you can both feel comfortable with? It may be that even though there is some doubt, there is a willingness to try one person’s approach and see the results. If you can’t find common ground right after this conversation, that doesn’t mean you won’t. You each may need some time to absorb and let your perspective adapt to new information. Revisiting the topic a day or a week later may soften the rougher emotional edges and make a shared solution more evident. It isn’t always easy.There are some really tricky issues where it is clear there is fundamental disagreement and no real middle ground. These are the tough ones. It still helps to be able to identify, name them and calmly discuss where you are coming from. If it still feels incendiary, would a therapist or a 3rd party be of help? Going through this exercise is not just healthy for your relationship. Modeling good communication for your kids can be a valuable gift. Beyond that, the end result of hopefully having parents who find a way to act as a unit, is such a positive thing for the entire family. And if you can’t be in complete agreement, you can still be united as you try one person’s approach. This also models mutual respect and a spirit of cooperation. On the other hand, if you don’t figure out how to work as a team, I promise you that your older kids will certainly figure out a way to divide and conquer. Barbara Kivowitz, my sister-in-law and coauthor of Love in the Time of Chronic Illness: How to Fight the Sickness, Not Each Other (a guide for ill partners and their family caregivers) offers this final thought: Once you have come to your combined decision about how to address the behavioral issue, agree to observe the results over the next few weeks (or months) and assess how you both think it's working and consider any tweaks you might want to make. Addressing your child’s behavior is a never ending process. They grow and change, and so do you. If you approach this with the tools of Intentional Communication and an attitude of try/observe/adapt, you’ll all learn, together. |
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