I may have many positive traits, but being romantic is not one of them.
As is often the case, one half of a couple is more romantic than the other. It is rarely 50/50.
My husband Sandy clearly carries the lion's share of the romance in our marriage.
The poor guy is actually one of the most romantic men I know. How he got saddled with me is a question for the ages.
We often joke that Valentine’s Day is the one day of the year when he is grateful for the fact that my romance gene is missing.
On that single day, when flowers and chocolates are doubled in price, there is no expectation that he needs to partake in this made up Hallmark occasion.
But, in honor of the fact that Valentine's Day was this past week, I thought I would do a quick post about love language.
Have you ever heard of it?
This idea comes from a book by Gary Chapman, written back in the 1990’s.
I first learned of it from my daughter Alana who refers to this concept in her work as a therapist.
The 5 love languages that Chapman identifies are as follows:
Words of affirmation
Physical touch
Gift giving
Quality time
Acts of service.
Most people have one or two that resonate the most for them.
The first step is figuring out how you tick.
What works for you?
Then think about your partner?
How do you each need to receive love?
How do you like to show it?
Are you able to have a conversation about this and actually spend some time pondering and then take the next step which would be communicating your findings?
I know that many people (women in particular) would prefer to have their partner be a mind reader, but alas, that isn’t usually the way it happens.
One example of this is:
Your birthday is coming up.
Your wish is that your partner would get you flowers.
The implication here is that you want them to somehow know that.
Once you have to tell them or ask them to get you flowers, the actual receiving of the flowers somehow is not quite as special as if they had thought about it on their own.
Your partner might feel that they would be delighted to get you flowers, just ask.
But the point is that you don’t want to have to ask.
Round and round and round we go.
This is basic relationship building stuff.
I consider this valuable because anything we can do to help couples have positive and loving interactions is going to directly impact their children in more ways than I can count.
Having a foundational conversation and understanding about what makes you feel loved is an excellent first step.
This isn’t just about your partner. Try to understand where other people in your life, including your children fall on this list.
Everyone is different.
In her practice, Alana tells her clients that all love languages are valid, even if they do not resonate with you personally.
The list is also not set in stone, it is just a basic guide.
You may come up with something that isn’t considered one of the standard five main categories.
In the ideal and healthy relationship, we show love to our partners, friends and family members in the way they understand, and receive love back in the ‘love language’ that charges our battery.
There is nothing automatic about this; as with most things in relationships, it takes a little bit of work.
My sister-in-law Barbara, a therapist and the author of Love in the Time of Chronic illness
https://loveinthetimeofchronicillness.com/ ,
adds that you need to be deliberate and instructive about what you need from your partner.
Because people often regress during times of stress, it would be great to have these discussions in advance and revisit them periodically.
I recently saw conversations about love languages taking place on the Oath app, when Brittany Williams our wonderful therapist was on there doing her office hours. One of the things I love about working at Oath is that we recognize the importance of supporting the mental health of our moms, as well as the physical. (they have me to talk to about poop and Brittany to chat with about anxiety. Hard to beat!!)
Our Oath circles are a safe place for our new moms to share all of the emotions that they are going through. Brittany reminds our moms that while this time can also be an enchanting opportunity to watch your partner grow into their new role as a parent, navigating these rough new waters with their partners can be extraordinarily challenging.
Keep in mind that your love language can change as often as your hair color. Circumstances change. The love language that you most relate to as a young single person can completely shift when you become a parent.
Physical touch may no longer be what you are craving when you are breastfeeding and exhausted.
Take the quiz!!
https://www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/
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