Tips for dealing with too much togetherness

Yesterday was my birthday. Yes I am old enough to take advantage of the early shopping hours at the supermarkets. I spent the day feeling very grateful for my small corner of the universe. My family is healthy, I have a safe home and plenty of food. I am not at risk from running out of toilet paper. I am able to get outside to walk. I am also baking, and my son in law is working on perfecting his sour dough bread so the scale is probably not my friend. In honor of my birthday week please help me spread positive energy out into this troubled time. Smile at the people you pass, even from a distance. Reach out to people who you know are isolated. Be kind to each other, but most importantly please be kind to yourself. This will pass. No one will be unchanged from this period of time, but my hope is that people will be able stay united from the distance and when the time comes,help each other with the recovery process. ****************************************************************************

This week's topic Tips for dealing with too much togetherness

Ah togetherness! How are you all doing with it? My husband Sandy says that he and I trained for this last fall when we spent two months wandering through Europe. We were together constantly; I mean that! The only 4 hour break we had was when I did a Sound of Music tour in Salzburg. Sandy decided he was “busy”, and he would catch up with me later. For me, it was one of my favorite things. With all that together time, we actually did great.  We stayed in a variety of lodging, quaint little inns, Airbnbs and hotels. Some were roomy apartments. Other times we were stuck in one tiny room. Since we were booking rooms at the last minute, we scored some amazing deals. Mid way through our travels, at one such upscale hotel that furnished us with robes, I made the cardinal sin of leaving the belt from the bathrobe haphazardly on the bathroom floor. Sandy picked it up and started his lecture.. “Bathrobes have belt loops. The belt goes in the loop. The belt doesn’t go on the floor.” (Sandy commenting here - she's been doing that for 44 years!) Yeah Yeah… I did sympathize. In our odd couple relationship, I am certainly the Oscar; he is Felix. (For those of you too young for this reference, Oscar is the slob.) On our last night in Europe as we wandered along the canals in Amsterdam, I commented on how well we had managed together during our epic journey. The only bickering that I could recall was when I left the bathrobe belt on the floor. Sandy started up…."Well, there are belt loops for a reason..." Oops, evidently it was too soon to bring up such a touchy topic. It may still be and I take the risk of getting another lecture on belt loops. So here we are, at the 3 week mark of our stay at home mandate here in the Bay Area and it looks like we have another month ahead at the very least. It is time for an assessment of how you are managing and to see if there are changes that you can make to keep your sanity and relationships intact. In normal times having family together time is a cherished commodity, but of course too much of a good thing can become wearing. Remember why you are doing this. You are keeping your family safe and doing your part to stem the spread of this horrid virus. Many of my friends are alone in their homes trying to deal with this enforced separation from their communities. For some of you cooped up with entire families, that isolation might seem like a dream until you really think it through. The fact is, this quarantine is tougher on some people than others. Many people really need some alone time as an essential component of their self care. Others simply don’t. This doesn't even necessarily correlate with being an introvert or an extrovert. Figure out which category you fall under. No apologies necessary. This is essentially being self aware. Your need for a bit of solitude does not mean that you don’t love your partner and family. Communication is essential. Hopefully you and your partner can do some problem solving without anyone feeling defensive. What are the options? Do you have a space in your home where you can go and close a door? If not, find a corner where you can put on some headphones and a sign that says “pretend I am not here.” My mom loved her family with all of her heart, but she recognized that having some quiet time without everyone around was imperative to her well being. For years she solved this by waking up at the crack of dawn. She savored having the house essentially to herself while the rest of us were still sleeping. See if you can find your own time and space to recharge. Many of you are also learning that working from home while still tending to the kids effectively requires communication and problem solving. If it is at all possible, I strongly suggest that you actively figure out a way for each parent to have a shift of being off duty. It doesn’t have to be long. Even thirty minutes can be a blessing. If both parents are trying to work from home, look at your schedules, talk about what you need and see what you can cobble together. Taking care of the kids is its own job. You need shifts for that as well. Cooking, laundry, and cleaning should be addressed too. Make sure that it feels equitable. (Sandy again - what???) Stewing about how it doesn’t feel fair is not good for anyone. Don’t expect your partner to know how they might be annoying you or how they can best support you right now. We are all stressed out and our mind reading capabilities are probably not working properly. Talk to each other! Here is a little assignment. Take a minute to think about your answer to this questions. If there was ONE thing that you need the most right now, what is it? It has to be something that is realistically achievable; wishing for a trip to a spa retreat doesn’t count. Each person in the family should try to figure out the answer and see if the family can support you in making it happen. Maybe it is alone time. Maybe it is taking a break from cooking. For the kids, it might be a family activity or game. The needs might change week to week. See if the family can make it a priority to support each other with at least this one 'ask'. Regardless if you have recognized this as a priority or not, make sure you all get outdoors at least for a few minutes a day. Until you actually get out, feel some fresh air and some sun on your face, you won’t realize how much you needed it.  I have found that people I encounter on my walks have been very respectful about keeping social distance, but of course you need to avoid any crowded areas. Some of my international friends report that they are not allowed to leave their homes. Be grateful that we can go out for air. Those folks that I mentioned earlier who are more isolated? Perhaps they are willing to set up a zoom call and have a regular storytelling session with your kids. Use this time that they are otherwise engaged to be semi off duty for a bit.. Better even than reading a book, how about telling stories! If these are family members, relatives telling stories about when they were young or tales about when mom and dad were young, are golden. Maybe they can even help the older kids with their school work. My amazing cousins Avi and Barbara living in western Massachusetts have taken it to a new level. Known to their grandchildren as Yogi and Bubu, the favorite game is "find Bubu". Avi wanders through the house while on a video call with the little ones: Is this Bubu? No, that's a pot! Is this Bubu? No silly yogi, that's a plant. There are plenty of giggles until she is found. For the older kids they all have versions of some games that can be played together. Guess Who and Battleship are the favorites. You could also play Yahtzee. They are delighted to spend this time with the grandkids, even though it isn't in person. Their kids are also happy to get a littler break. This is a win win. In my world, Facetime, Zoom, Google Hangout interaction with family and friends do not count as part of the screen time allotment. But still keep track. Too much screen time is not healthy. I know several people investing in glasses that block the blue light. We will get through this. Savor this moment of togetherness. It won’t last forever. Be kind to your partner. Pick up the belt that you left on the floor!