The importance of social support networks

The importance of social support networks

I am a problem solver. I can’t help myself. If I see something that isn’t working, it is a challenge for me to ignore it. Admittedly this is not always a good thing. I am learning as I get older that not everyone wants to be fixed. Sometimes people need to talk and have someone simply listen. I try. Sometimes I succeed better than others. Nevertheless it is clear that when I see a problem, my instinct is to roll up my sleeves and dive in looking for solutions.There is much that we have no control over. How can we focus on actions that are actually in our power? My post a few weeks ago was about stress and the impact it can have on us. I know we can’t eliminate stress and trauma. Alas, we can’t manage the past. What we can do is to try our best to build our resilience as we move forward. Positive actions CAN make a big difference. To follow up on my metaphor from the post about ACEs, there are several things we can do to mitigate the imprint from our past adverse exposures or current stressful situations. One of the most important protections or deposits in our “well being” account, and the one I will be focusing on in this post, is the act of creating and maintaining a positive support network. These are the friends, family, neighborhood communities, religious organizations, and local resources who you can count on. I am referring to the people who make you feel good about yourself. These are the people who make you soup when you aren’t feeling well, or come over to watch the kids for an hour so you can take a shower. Some just know how to listen. At the same time recognize who the energy vampires and toxic people are in your life. These are the ones who tend to drain your account. It is the rare and most fortunate person who doesn’t have several of these folks in our orbit. Learning to have healthy boundaries is another essential lesson that we all need to remind ourselves of. Parents, it is time to put your own oxygen mask on first. Please take care of yourself. Pay attention to your own needs. Not only does this give your child the sense of security that can come with having an intact parent, but it models positive actions for them and bodes well for their future. Go out and make positive and supportive new friends. Wouldn’t it be nice if it was that easy. Unfortunately, finding friends and community can be a real challenge for some people especially with so many folks on the move these days. Children have more natural opportunities in their lives to make these connections than most adults do. The earlier you start, the more natural it will be for them. Entering a new situation together can often help forge that initial connection. Kids have schools and camps among the number of opportunities they have growing up. They also have parents helping encourage the connections with other friends their age by making play dates as well as finding and signing them up for classes, groups and other social opportunities. Beginning something at the same entry point is a bonding opportunity. The first day of a new class is a natural way for folks to meet. Someone coming in mid semester is a disadvantage.  This tends to be true as we get older as well. When people start a new job there is often a special connection with the other folks that they go through orientation with. Most adults don’t have quite as many social opportunities without making an effort; if you move to a new town, grandma isn’t going to call your neighbors for you and help you make friends, (although I am sure she wishes she could). Making new and meaningful connections can be done! My sister-in-law moved to SF from Boston some years ago. She has created real and deep new friendships with people that she has met here as an adult. I asked her how she has managed to be so successful at that and she had a simple response.  She made it her directive not only to meet new people, but to avoid social isolation. She joined some boards and found volunteer opportunities. One of her favorite activities is serving on the Board of Directors of San Francisco Village, an intentional community for older adults who support each other in navigating the challenges and opportunities of aging (and for the younger adults who care for their older relatives and friends). She was embraced by my friends immediately, and of course had the family here, but it was important to her that she make the effort to meet people independently as well. As Barbara says, "sometimes community just happens and sometimes you have to be more deliberate." If you are someone who doesn’t easily meet people, becoming a new parent can change everything. It can make you feel lonelier or more isolated than you have ever been, OR NOT! If you take advantage of your new role, it can be one of the biggest social on ramps there is.   When I hold my NewBie sessions (Newborn Information Essentials) I tell the parents that their new baby is the ticket to a brand new community of friends. Like many here in SF I am a transplant. A vast majority of my friends now are the parents of my children's friends. In recognizing the importance of fostering community, a modern and effective way in which to do so can be through engaging in intimate, curated, digital chat groups. This is one of the things that the awesome new company I’m working for, Oath Health, is doing to build a supportive network for parents from the time they become pregnant. There will be weekly topics to discuss relevant to where you are on your parenting journey. At this time, our initial focus is to recruit moms who are expecting a baby or have a child under the age of 12 months. The goal will be to offer it widely at some point, but one step at a time. There will be guest experts (including myself) weighing in on the different topics.   If you would like to sign-up to be a part of Oath’s beta chat group or know someone who might be, please click here. https://www.juno.health/ Understand that being socially connected is important. This doesn’t mean that you need to be on the phone for hours or go out all the time. Everyone has different needs. Stress happens, things happen, life happens. Bolster yourself with connections so that if you are faced with a situation, you have resources to call on. As a parent, a support system in the time of need can keep you above water. Think of it as a gift to your children.