Father's Day seems to be the appropriate time for this post that I have been working on.
While
it is true that there is a certain intimacy between the birth mother
and the baby that feels a little exclusive, don’t forget that you are an
essential member of the team.
When
I first found out I was pregnant, Sandy started reading all the
resource books. He found a recipe for a protein shake that I was
supposed to drink nightly. I remember it as pretty vile. I took one sip
and then handed it to him, “Here, the baby will have a healthy father.”
He did convince me to drink it nightly, but he also made a double
portion and swigged his own portion down in support.
As
the one who gave birth, I can only imagine what it feels like to be the
partner. On one hand, the magical experience of growing a baby, feeling
it move, feeling that bond is something that is unique to the person
who carries the child. On the other side of the coin, that same little
(or not so little) fetus, is bouncing on the bladder, causing heartburn
and last but certainly not least...needs to come out!
Good
partners go along to the birthing classes and learn to pant and blow
along with the birth mom, but being an ideal support goes well beyond
being a good labor coach.
Physical support
It is essential that you help your partner physically replenish.
For
those first couple of days, make sure the birth mom needs to do nothing
other than nurse the baby and rest. Someone else besides mom (are you
lucky enough to have a grandparent around?) can do the changing and the
burping.
Your
job is to keep mom well hydrated. Every time the baby nurses, make sure
that mom has something to drink. Plenty of fluid is lost during the
birthing process and every time a woman nurses, she is losing even more.
Good hydration is also really important for establishing a good milk
supply.
If
you are lucky enough to have a support system, consider having a friend
organize some meals for your family for the first week or so.
Having
a supportive community is so helpful but you may need to be the
gatekeeper. Everyone has different social needs and mom probably needs
rest more than she needs company. As you moderate your visitors, you
also need to make sure they are healthy. If someone has a cold, they are
not doing you a favor if they come over. If you are feeling shy, tell
them that nurse Judy gave you your marching orders. Nurse Charity puts
it very clearly:
Anyone in your home should be able to:
1. buy/prepare food and clean up the kitchen.
2. Watch you breastfeed
3. and scrub your toilet.
Anyone
you would not feel comfortable asking to do those things, or who would
be incapable of those things is not good postpartum company and should
leave their casserole at the door with a friendly wave! This includes
family. So if your mom is a busy body with no boundaries, she should
wait a bit to come and "help" with the baby.
Emotional support
Prepare
for hormones. At one of my baby boot camp sessions last year, one of
the postpartum moms simply couldn’t stop weeping. Her baby was lovely
and she was having a reasonably easy time, she just cried….all the time.
Before long, every pregnant mom in the class was also crying, just
because. Sometimes crying happens. Everyone got their own box of tissues
and the class went on to talk about sleep, poop, spitting up and all
those things that I cover. Crying is very normal, up to a point.
Postpartum depression (PPD) is very real. It has nothing to do with
prior mental health issues, or level of education. It can happen to
anyone.
I
think it is essential to talk ahead of time about PPD. If your partner
sees any warning signs, agree that you will trust them enough to reach
out for help.
More wisdom from Nurse Charity about postpartum depression
The
post-partum time is a marathon of newly acquired skills. No one feels
certain. Everyone is struggling to get it all done. So this is a time to
think about needs vs wants. (I want the kitchen table to be clear of
baby clutter, I need a shower). Prioritize needs over wants.The primary
caregiver cannot do everything, by the same token - neither can you.
Priorities are feed everyone, sleep round the clock (this means you
too!), get a shower in, and then pick ONE thing you need to feel human.
That one thing is different for everyone, but it should be doable in
20-40 minutes: examples are- read the paper, take a walk, call a friend,
an extra grooming task, a project you love.
Don't
compare your babymoon to anyone else's. Each family has their own
strengths and skills and their own set of challenges. Be like an
astronaut and work the problems you have with the skills and resources
you have.
Post-partum
depression for partners is a REAL thing. (1 out of 4 non pregnant
partners experience depression during the pregnancy or within the year
after birth).
Click for a list of possible Postpartum Depression Symptoms:
Here are some resources just in case
Parentline
This is a free counseling service available through the University of San Francisco.
1-844-415-BABY (2229).
It is NOT a crisis line.
415-441-KIDS (5437)
This
is a 24/7 crisis and counseling line for parents who are under any kind
of stress. This includes Postpartum Depression. They have resources
available for emergency respite care, parent groups etc
(415) 781-0500
Crisis
Line for SF bay Area. This is commonly referred to as the suicide
prevention line but it is useful for any emotional crisis. You do NOT
have to be suicidal to call.
Breastfeeding support
Talking to a breastfeeding mother about her milk supply is akin to walking across a minefield.
Breastfeeding
is a learning process.Rest and fluids for mom are a good start, but you
are an essential part of the team that will be assessing success. The
first several days are really tough. Most mom’s think that for some
reason this process is supposed to be the most natural thing in the
world, they put the baby up to their breast, the milk will flow and the
baby will feed. Think again. It takes a good bit of learning for 90% for
the mom/babies.
Aside
from plumping pillows, offering a drink (not whiskey although you will
be tempted) and helping with positioning, it is hard to watch the
frustration of a new mom and a crying baby who are both trying to figure
it all out. Having a lactation consultant set up in advance is useful.
There is a lot of learning that can be done before the baby arrives that
can mitigate some of the common issues.
For families that choose to breastfeed, we
want to do everything we can to support the success of nursing, but it
is essential to recognize when it is not working. Breastfeeding moms
have so much emotional “stuff” that creeps into the equation that
sometimes it is hard to hear and accept the first and most important
rule of breastfeeding: It is simple. “FEED THE BABY.”
If there isn’t enough breast milk or the baby can’t seem to transfer
the milk, then we need to offer some form of supplementation or feeding
method.
When
the milk is in, you can see drops of milk coming from the nipples. You
should actually also be able to hear the baby swallowing during feeding.
A nice glug glug glug is a great sign. After a feeding it is typical
for them to appear sleepy and almost drunk. There will be wet diapers
and nice poops. The baby will be gaining weight. A satisfied baby will be calm and have periods of being alert.
If
an infant is NOT gaining weight, and this is where it gets tricky,
please help support your partner to accept that being a good parent is not
about the breast milk. Sometimes a little bit of supplement gets things
moving in the right direction. This is often a bridge to successful
breastfeeding and should not be looked at as a sign of failure. More
times than not, it is a baby learning problem.
You
are both in agreement that you want a happy, healthy baby. Babies who
are not getting enough to eat are neither of those. A mom who is
spending her entire day pumping and nursing is also not getting enough
rest. Exhaustion will impact her ability to produce milk, enjoy the baby
and stay emotionally balanced.
Partners and daddies.
You can't actually birth a baby or have breast milk flow out of your
breasts, but aside from that, your role as co-parent can be anything you
make it to be.
Your
relationship with your partner will change (hopefully strengthen). Each
parent will have a distinct relationship with each of your children.
Parents often take turns being the favored parent. Don’t take it
personally when you don’t get picked….go read a book. Enjoy your moment
of freedom. Nurse Lainey reminds you that it likely won’t last long.
There
are some great resources out there for you fathers-to-be. Armin Brott,
known as Mr Dad has some books just for you. Armin also does classes
monthly through newborn connections for expectant dads: https://mrdad.com/
I asked him for his favorite piece of wisdom and this is was essentially his best advice.
Jump
right in and start doing things. Change that diaper, soothe the fussy
baby. You will become more comfortable the more you do. Mistakes will
happen, and you will learn lessons. Don’t be afraid of that.
Finally, feel free to check out these
Father's Day posts from Sandy, aka Mr. Nurse Judy, describing his
philosophy of parenting, leading to the outstanding relationship he has
with our daughters, through all stages of their respective lives:
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