Once upon a time/ I made up a fairy tale

 

My grandsons Coby and Elliot were visiting this last weekend. I was doing some bedtime snuggles with Elliot. “Can you tickle my back while you tell me the story about the king and the 3 sons that go on a trip and one is nice and the others are in a rush” “A story about a king?” I asked “And one prince stops to help the bee” Oh for heaven's sake; now I remembered. A few months ago I found an old notebook of my mothers. It is full of pages and pages of handwritten shorthand and prompts for story ideas. Unfortunately her handwriting is challenging to say the least. (I can fully blame my terrible penmanship on her). It feels like a treasure waiting to be explored. While I hadn’t successfully deciphered any of her actual stories, it encouraged me to try to create my own cockamamie fairy tale and the last time I was visiting the kids in LA I had tried it out on Elliot. I had followed one of mom’s basic templates, Good deeds would generally be rewarded with some type of good karma. Her heroes generally had the superpowers of kindness and curiosity. Her villains were mostly self-important, selfish and grumpy. It was a fairly safe bet that goodness would triumph over evil. Elliot evidently remembered the story I had made up and wanted to hear it again. Once upon a time, there was a king. He gathered his three sons and told them that he wanted them to complete a quest. They needed to travel across the kingdom. He was going to pick who would be the next king. The first son started out in a rush, certain that he would be the fastest. The second one was close behind. To summarize, the two princes hurried along and wouldn’t stop to help the various creatures along the way who needed some assistance. I barely remembered the specifics but EJ was able to prod my memory. Elliot is four. I was surprised and a little impressed that he remembered it. The first critter that needed assistance was a bee that was stuck in some honey. He called for help, but the first two princes rudely rushed by without stopping. The third prince had been enjoying his journey. He was looking at the lovely countryside and listening to the birdsongs when he heard a call. “Can someone please help me? My wings are stuck in the honey!” The kind young prince immediately stopped. “ Let me see if I can get you unstuck, but please don’t sting me if I get close” “Oh, I certainly won’t sting you, I am grateful to you for trying.” The prince used a little dry leaf to get the bee unstuck and the happy bee flew away. The next encounter was with a squirrel who couldn’t remember where he had hidden his nuts. He was very hungry. The prince helped him dig around and found his stash of acorns. I couldn’t remember the third, but there was EJ recalling all the details. “It was a snake! He needed help shedding his old skin, it was stuck” “ Oh, of course, you have such a good memory!” So eventually the youngest prince arrived at the destination. His brothers and the king were waiting for him. The brothers started teasing him about how slow he was, when suddenly lots of bees, squirrels and snakes showed up to thank him for saving their friends. The bees brought lots of honey as a gift. Then the king told everyone that the winner wasn’t the one who got there the fastest, but the one who was the kindest… The snake offered to bite the mean princes, but the youngest prince told him not to. And of course, they all lived happily ever after. At this point Elliot said, “I love you Grandma and I will always stop to save you.” and he turned over and was fast asleep. Goofy fairy tale for the win. The fact that Elliot had held on to this silly story reminded me of how much kids are taking in. I love thinking that the gentle messages from the story somehow linger. Take your time enjoying the journey. Getting someplace the fastest isn’t necessarily the win. Be kind. For more about the power of storytelling, check out this old blog post.

Mothers Day Musings/My goal is to find something about the day that everyone can celebrate

 For many people, Mother’s Day is one of those made up Hallmark Holidays that can hit a wide range of emotions. For lucky families, it can be a special day of joy and celebration. But for some, it can go from being moderately uncomfortable to downright painful.

It isn’t hard to figure out who might be having a hard time with it; people who never had a mother in their lives or people who have lost a mom. Moms who lost a child, women who couldn’t have children, or women who made the choice not to have kids but perhaps feel a twinge every once in a while.

There are also so many wonderful families with no mommy but two amazing daddies. How about immigrant families who are forced to be separated? The list goes on and on. Ouch!

My mom died in March of 2017 and I remember absolutely dreading Mother's Day that year. Maybe I was just more sensitive because it felt so raw. Every time I turned on the TV or the radio, there it was, Mother’s Day, Mother’s Day, Mother’s Day. What are you going to buy your mother this year? Where will you take your mother? Show your mother how much you love her. Newspapers, magazines, Muni signs. I couldn’t escape it.

My goal is to find something about the day that everyone can celebrate

Make it a Mother’s Day tradition to tell your kids or people who are important to you, stories about your mothers, grandmothers, and great grandmothers. Did they have some favorite pieces of wisdom? Share them! Did they have some favorite songs? Sing them! Did they have a favorite cookie recipe? Bake it.

It doesn’t need to be biological.

Who are the maternal figures in your life? Reach out and give them a little acknowledgment .

If you are lucky enough to have a mom to celebrate, simply knowing whether or not flowers are something mom would like or not is a statement all on its own. Don’t make assumptions. If you haven't done it already, make this year the one where you fInd out what they actually want.

Maybe go on a special outing or just spend some quality time together. Take lots of photos. Memories might be more valuable than jewelry.

But then, consider that for some moms with young kids, having a bit of alone time may be just as valuable. Give that mom the opportunity to take an uninterrupted nap! Or a candle lit bubble bath (remove the bath toys!)

I have an additional offering for all of the moms (or dads) out there who are celebrating. Here is an update of an old post where I list some of my hall of fame failures.

Nurse Judy the Mom

How many of us feel inadequate when we look at other parents who appear to be super mom or super dad. These magical beings seem to manage to handle whatever life throws at them with ease? They never ever make a mistake or lose their temper.

Um, not likely.

What you may see on the outside is not always accurate.

For the most part, I am blessed and my kids have made it easy for me to look pretty good. The truth is though, that we all have our moments. If you ask my daughters for the lamest mommy stories, I certainly have my fair share of times that I did something that they didn’t appreciate or a time I embarrassed them.

It seems so silly but Lauren recalls an incident at a zoo night when she was around five that still makes her grimace. That evening there were costumed characters roaming around the zoo dressed as animals. Some had instruments.

“Mommy, I dare you to ask that Lion to sing 'The Lion sleeps tonight'”

Dare me? Silly girl.

I caught up with the Lion and made the song request.

The Lion’s response was, “Only if you sing with me”

Much to Lauren’s chagrin, the guitar-toting Lion and I created a lovely duet of Weem-a-Whopping ‘In the Jungle’ as we wandered all through the zoo.

I think the only time I actually embarrassed Alana was the first time I discovered Lemon Drop Martinis at a friend's Bat Mitzvah Party and danced the night away with a large group of tipsy moms. Those things are dangerous!

There was also the time that Lauren and I were practicing our karate moves. She practiced some punches on me and then it was my turn. She had a pillow up to her belly for protection but wasn’t in a proper stance. I did my move and she went flying across the living room. I was horrified. She was furious.

But the hands down winner is the time I drugged Lauren and then put her on a horse. Yes, you read that right.

We were doing a family vacation up at the Russian River and scheduled a horse back riding session at beautiful Armstrong Redwood state park. My girls and I could count the number of times that we had been up on a horse. Sandy, the New York City boy, was actually an experienced rider. Lauren had a mild cold and her allergies were bugging her, so I gave her a little something to help dry her up and we were off on our adventure.

We were in a guided group along some pretty steep trails. Lauren’s horse had a mind of his own and was straying from the pack. To compound things, Lauren was feeling really quite out of it and was having a hard time staying awake. Sandy held back on his own horse to make sure she didn’t get left behind.

She managed to keep it together for the several hour experience, but just barely. She could hardly keep her eyes open. I was concerned that she was really coming down with something worse than a cold. When we got back to our cabin, I figured out what the problem was. I had not taken the time to read the box and grabbed, and gave her, the nighttime cold/ cough medicine instead of the daytime one. The poor girl was sedated! Since fortunately she didn't fall off the horse, we can laugh about it now.

Alana claims that a runner up might be the time I sat back and let my kids and some friends scamper around Alameda beach collecting jellyfish.

No one got stung, not all jellyfish are toxic, but I fully admit to questionable judgement.

I am now starting my list of “Grandma screw ups”. I have been fairly well behaved, but there was a time when I was taking baby Elliot for a walk and I let him smell a beautiful yellow flower. Somehow the center of the flower stained his face yellow. It took days to fade. Lauren was not amused.

Trust me. Most parents have done some dumb stuff, the photos on Instagram are usually just showing the better moments. If you are human, take it easy on yourself as long as you gather wisdom and learn lessons. (read the labels, be careful when you practice punching, avoid handling jellyfish and be aware that some flowers can stain)

Happy Mother’s Day to all who celebrate.

To everyone else, be grateful that all the commercials will soon be over until next year. Of course Father’s Day is just around the corner…..

Do you know how your grandparents met?

 After my mother died, when we were at the family house sorting through old letters, I came across a pile of correspondence between my mom’s parents. These were love letters, filled with personality and pet names; sweet and funny treasures. As we were reading them I was struck by something. Somehow, I didn’t know the story about how the two of them had met!

How is it that my sisters and I didn’t know that story? The loss of my mom pierced through me with the stark realization that there was no one left to ask.

There was something nagging in my brain and fortunately it came to me. Back in 1987 my grandmother had done an oral history project with the National Council of Jewish Women. I had started to listen to it shortly after she died in 1995 but her loss was too fresh and hearing her voice got me too emotional. Life happened and the existence of those tapes was forgotten.

But now I remembered! I did a quick internet search and there it was. There are two hours of grandma being interviewed. The story of how she met my grandfather was included.

Fast forward.

As some of you know, I am writing a book. It is NOT the Nurse Judy collection about fevers, poop and rashes. Instead it is a collection of weird stories, spooky serendipity and a shout out to my quirky family. Messages from beyond? Maybe.

One of the stories in the book is about my grandmother. She was born in downtown Pittsburgh. Her name at birth was Gertrude, but we remembered her telling us about how her name was changed to Flora. To us, she was Grandma Fuffy.

The story goes that when she was young, disease struck the family. One of her older sisters perished and Grandma was very ill. As was the custom at the time, her family changed her name in order to fool the angel of death. (It worked?)

Recently, my sisters and I were trying to see if we could remember what illness it was; we were split between possible Typhoid or Diphtheria (Hooray for clean water and childhood vaccinations, I can’t imagine the horror of losing children to those illnesses)!

That week I had a vivid dream. My grandmother was telling me that the information that I was seeking was available to me.

I decided to listen to her interview again. This time hearing her voice surrounded me like the coziest of sweaters and filled me with warmth.

Once again my question got answered. It had been Typhoid.

Of course I listened to the full two hours. What a treasure. It stops abruptly in the middle of a story, the cassette tape was over. I wanted so much more, but am grateful for what I got.

It is possible that many of you have quick little videos of parents, grandparents and older relatives and friends,

But do you have the stories?

Make it happen. Most folks are delighted to take a trip down memory lane with you. Even people with diminished memories often can happily recount tales from when they were young. Capture the history.

Being able to hear my grandmother's voice feels like a gift from the universe.

Don’t wait.

Here I am on Grandpa Asher’s lap. Marjie is sitting next to Grandma ‘Fuffy’

(shockingly…and I kid you not, this is only about 14 years before I met Sandy)

Thanks for reading Nurse Judy’s Substack!