Talking to your kids about differences

 

Talking to your kids about differences

You are in line at the supermarket. “Daddy, why does that person have only one arm?" "Why does that person talk funny?" "What happened to that person's hair?" The questions or statements are usually quite loud. You and your child are suddenly much more entertaining than the National Enquirer. It may make an amusing anecdote some day, but in the moment it feels awkward and embarrassing. Having some discussions ahead of time can be useful. These chats can start with conversations about how everyone is the same and different. How are people different? They might have different hair, different colored skin, different language, different sizes, different families, different beliefs and different abilities.  How are people the same? Everyone needs to eat, sleep, breathe and poop. Most people want to have a friend. It is a great exercise after noticing that someone is different to follow up with finding things in common. There are some awesome children's books out there that can be an excellent resource.  One that Lauren reads to Elliot is aptly called Same but Different. There are many with the similar theme.  Also make sure to talk about what things actually matter! Having someone who is kind is much more important than how tall they are. Society places way too much value on appearance. Wouldn’t it be nice if we could change that? Talk about how everyone has things that they are good at. Someone who can’t see might have exceptional hearing. Expose your kids to people who don’t look like you. Make sure that the books you read have many colors and ethnicities represented. When you draw, make sure you have crayons in all the lovely shades of skin that make up the human race. While there is certainly a time and place for everything, where kids are concerned, it is more often when we refuse to talk about something that it becomes dangerous or scary. One anecdote that I have shared in the past stems from a walk down Haight street many years ago. It was mid October and my family was shopping for Halloween costumes. A man walked past us. He was painted shiny gold from head to toe. Other than that, he was completely naked. Sandy, Lauren and I did a little double take. Alana walked right by and didn’t even pay any attention. That right there is the definition of someone who was born and brought up in San Francisco! The world would be so much duller if everything was the same. Variety makes things so much nicer and more interesting This conversation doesn’t even need to start talking about people. When you take a walk, point out all the different kinds of flowers that you see. Some are big, some are tiny. The different colors are fabulous. They all have different smells. Some have thorns. The message here is simple. It would be a shame if everything were the same. So many things in the news today are a stark reminder that human beings become tribal very easily. ‘Us versus Them’ is all too common of a theme. I would like to think that kids aren’t born that way. Hatred and intolerance are taught. Young children are drawn to people who look like themselves. Dr. Ted has some interesting data on this at the end of the post. It is the adults in their lives who need to give the message that it is safe to connect with others. Teach your kids to have curiosity and respect for the cultures of others. Don’t forget to enrich them with your own culture and traditions. Tolerant, curious, and open minded kids are the hope for our future. Alas there is nothing simple when it comes to the discussion about race. Obviously the deeper and difficult topic of racism needs to be age appropriate.   If we ever want real change, it is essential that parents start from the very beginning to teach our kids to accept and celebrate others, rather than fear and vilify someone who is not exactly like them. February is both Black History Month and the month when Chinese New Years celebrations take place, so it feels like a great time to pay attention to this issue. Oh, and the supermarket situation? Maybe your child will be like Alana and not notice! But the conversation ahead of time could be: “Some people are happy to talk about what makes them different. Some people are not. It is important to make sure that we don’t make someone feel awkward. If you see something that you have a question about, let me know and when we get home we can see if we can find answers together.” This topic can feel triggering for many people, here are some extra important words from Oath's Therapist Brittany Williams.  Brittany’s Tidbits:  When we become parents we do not stop being human. That means our ability to subconsciously react does not magically disappear. If given the choice, most people would always prefer to respond with consciousness than to subconsciously react. One way to decrease the gap between the two experiences is by increasing mindfulness.   Take a moment to check-in with yourself and mindfully listen to how you organically responded as you read this article. If you aren’t sure I encourage you to re-read the blog and this time, tune in and listen to what surfaces from within. What thoughts did you see cross your mind? Did you move close to a stress response (hold your breath, tighten your fists, clench your jaw, etc.) at any particular part? Perhaps you disagreed or were perfectly aligned? Maybe even a past experience came to mind. How did you interact with this material? Did you skim verses slowly digest?  Whatever comes up for you, use this intel to deepen or adjust your own level of comfort with differences. Perhaps engage with a trusted confidant, mentor, or mental health provider if you feel that would be helpful. Taking the time to do this can decrease your odds of reacting and increase your odds for responding during those supermarket moments. Lastly, a gentle reminder for all parents when you find yourself parenting from a triggered or reactive state: Your reaction is not because your child is behaving a certain way or has said something socially or otherwise inappropriate. Your reaction is always because of what that behavior means to you, and that is triggered from your own past experiences.         Dr. Ted’s Research Soon after young infants develop the ability to recognize faces, research shows that they can distinguish between faces of different colored skin. This can be as early as 3 months, but is usually most apparent between 6-9 months. You can imagine why this skill is advantageous from an evolutionary psychology perspective: we want to be able to determine who’s in our “tribe.” However, it’s not till much later (around ages 3-5) that children gain the ability to describe differences between themselves and others, such as gender qualities, the construct of race, and so on. This is the prime age to teach acceptance of variability, and kids tend to be very receptive to it!

How to make fish a safe part of your child's diet

 

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Trying to navigate good nutrition can feel so challenging. It feels even more essential to have solid information if you are pregnant or feeding your children. The messages seem to shift frequently enough to make your head spin. Soy, gluten, sugar, rice, eggs, coconut oil.. Are there really magically healthy foods out there? Even more importantly, can certain foods really impact our health negatively? Fish is one of the more confusing ones. Most people agree that eating fish is a really good source of protein, vitamin D as well as two omega- 3 fatty acids, DHA and EPA, that aren’t abundant in other foods. In fact the 2020 dietary guidelines from the USDA and HHS specifically call for making sure that fish and seafood are included in a healthy diet. According to the American Heart Association,  while there are plenty of supplements on the market, they are not quite as good as the real thing. Unfortunately, these days many types of fish are contaminated with mercury. Mercury is a problem for people of any age but it can have a greater impact on unborn and young children. This is because it can act as a toxin that inhibits natural growth of the brain and nervous system. Elevated levels can lead to neurological and developmental delays according to the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA). Of course fish are by no means the only source of potential mercury contamination. Old Thermometers, fluorescent light bulbs, cosmetics, older dental fillings and some water can all be unwitting sources. Most of those can be avoided if you are paying attention. Fortunately water can be effectively filtered, (boiling will not do the trick). Alas we have no way of removing mercury from our fish, so we have to choose the safe ones to eat. Some fish have a much higher concentration of mercury than others. Some of the biggest culprits are farmed saltwater fish such as the yellowfin, Albacore and Ahi Tuna.  If you want to go deeper and get solid information about where all that mercury is coming from, click this link https://anglers.com/news/mercury-in-fish/ The fish that you choose makes all the difference. There are new guidelines available to help you navigate this. https://www.fda.gov/food/consumers/questions-answers-fdaepa-advice-about-eating-fish-those-who-might-become-or-are-pregnant-or There are several excellent guides to take with you to the market https://www.nrdc.org/stories/smart-seafood-buying-guide https://www.seafoodwatch.org/ Based on their mercury levels, fish are grouped into: Best choices oysters, salmon (wild and Alaska, canned or fresh), sardines, scallops, shrimp, squid, and tilapia. Good choices Atlantic croaker, Atlantic mackerel, catfish, crab, crawfish, flatfish (flounder and sole), haddock, mullet, pollack, and trout. Fish to avoid bigeye tuna (often used in sushi. This is not the stuff in the can!), Gulf tilefish, king mackerel, marlin, orange roughy, shark, and swordfish. Women who are planning on getting pregnant, those who are pregnant or breastfeeding and young children should NOT eat anything from the last category. Canned tuna is tough to figure out and it depends a bit on who you ask. I wasn’t able to get consistent recommendations. In 2014 Consumer reports went as far as suggesting that pregnant women avoid it all together, but for young kids, it likely falls in the middle category and is fine to have on a limited basis. The albacore (sadly this is my preference) has 3 times more mercury than the chunk light. The advice is to give 2-3 servings per week of the best fish or 1 serving a week of the good fish. A serving is considered 4 ounces for anyone over the age of 7. For kids 4-7 the serving size is 2 ounces. No parental guilt if you give fish from the middle category! Since most of us don’t have a food scale in the kitchen, a good trick is just use your palm. An adult size palm is roughly 4 ounces. Don’t make yourself too nuts trying to weigh and measure the portions. Any parent knows that kids will eat what they will eat, and some of it is going to be tossed on the floor and fed to the happy pets. Be aware that fish makes it to my list of high allergy foods. When you give it for the first time, make sure you keep an eye on your child. Severe reactions will generally show up within an hour.  Thanks so much to COTY the bass guy for motivating me to do this post! Ironically, bass didn’t show up on the list. I asked him about that! He told me that since bass is typically found in murky conditions, it gives them a muddy taste based on what they consume. While taste might not be the best, health-wise, it is perfectly safe to eat.