Back to school adjustment tips for you and your child

My regular readers have heard me repeat this analogy often. Being a parent is like being the coach of a sports team. The real work is the preparation before the game when you learn and practice the plays. More work can be done after the game when you review how your team fared and work on any changes that need to be made. During the actual game, you might be able to chime in to make little adjustments, but for the most part you simply get to watch. This is not the time to effect any real teaching or change. Recognizing the difference between “game time” and effective coaching opportunities is critical. Having your child march off to a new daycare or preschool or school is game time. Doing some preparation ahead of time can be very valuable and can smooth the way. Some kids go off with a smile and wave. You win. Others weep and you need pull them off your body as they clutch at you in desperation. You end up leaving them in their new situation feeling like you have somehow failed. Welcome to being a parent. You lost this round but there are many rounds ahead that will be more successful. Keep in mind that many of the kids are putting on a big show, and are feeling stressed and sad for the moment. Most of them calm down shortly after you are out of sight and end up having a fine day. You on the other hand, will feel like you have a fist clenched inside your gut. Check in with the teachers for a reality check. They can tell you how your little one fared once you are out of the picture. Or do what Sandy did when he took Lauren to her first day of pre-school. He left her crying with her new teachers and then went to the side of the building, hid in the bushes, and watched through the window. Lauren was fine in about 5 minutes but those were among the toughest 5 minutes of his life. The teachers should be an essential part of the team helping with this adjustment period.If you feel like your child might need a little extra help separating, talk to the staff about what options they can come up with. Sometimes having a hand to hold, or a loving lap to sit on can be very helpful One friend or familiar face can make a huge difference. See if you can get a roster of the other children in the class before school starts. If you don’t know anyone, go ahead and cold call some families to see if they want to meet in a playground for an hour and let the kids play together for a bit. Once school begins, ask your child to identify a few other children who seem nice. Reach out to those families and try to arrange some playdates outside of school hours Communication is so important. Create an arena where you and your child can have safe discussion about feelings and actions. This is a basic problem solving skill. Make a list of some of the more common feelings that people might be feeling when they start a new school: Happy Sad Nervous Excited Tired Hungry Lonely Missing home Confused Bored proud I am feeling______________. You don’t need to limit it to one emotion. Identify some things, good and bad, that might be triggering  the emotion: I learned something new I made a friend I helped someone Someone made a face at me Someone wouldn’t hold my hand Someone wouldn’t share I didn’t like my lunch I am scared of the toilet I am having trouble with a skill that others seem to be able to do with ease I am feeling ______________ because_______________ If the feeling expressed is a negative one - mad, sad, nervous, and you were able to identify a source, now is the time to make a list of possible things that might help. Telling stories and teaching through play are really good methods for talking about the feelings and coming up with solutions. Make up a pretend child who also happens to be going to a new school situation (what are the odds?) For this post we will call the pretend child Pat (the ultimate non gender identifying name). Pat can be the main character in many stories. Sometimes the right moment presents itself and your child might be able to chime in and talk about what they think might be making Pat happy or sad. For some children this feels much easier than telling about themselves. Practice saying goodbye. Do it several times. Read some books: https://www.amazon.com/Best-Sellers-Books-Childrens-First-Day-School/zgbs/books/1084236 Try some play sessions with a couple of dolls or stuffed animals; one is bravely heading off to school and proudly tells all about it after they are home. The other is having a much harder time. Talk about some things that may be tools that the brave bear is using or might help the scared bear. Perhaps bringing something like a scarf that smells like home. Maybe wear a necklace with a photo. Maybe find a little smooth round stone that you both rub some energy into and they can keep in in their pocket. Maybe write a little heart or doodle on their arm and cover it with liquid band-aid "How was your day, dear?" Avoid the “How was your day? Fine” trap. Get in the habit of doing a little checklist. Tell me something you learned Tell me something that surprised you What was the silliest thing that happened? What did you do that was kind? Teach your kids the concept of a mitzvah. This is the Jewish term for doing a good deed or act of kindness. Getting in the habit of at least one “mitzvah” a day is something to strive for. Beyond simple acts of kindness, consider giving them 3 small goals to achieve each day. They can tell you how they did. If you are able to do a family dinner, that is the perfect time for conversations. Otherwise it is fine to do this at bedtime, but try to carve out a time where you can talk about the day. This is a great opportunity to review tomorrow’s schedule and list any special things that are coming up that the family might be looking forward to. Alana learned to debrief her day in excruciating detail, but it was a habit that endured for years. As my faithful readers know, she continues to share this with Sandy every day on her drive home from work. Other considerations.... Dr. Elizabeth shared a story from one of her friends. They had made quite the big deal of the first day of kindergarten and the child went in without a hitch. The trouble occurred that evening when the little 5 year old realized that this school business wasn't an isolated event and she had to go back the following day. It is essential that you make sure you are able to pick up your child on time, especially those first couple of weeks. If you are going to be late, have an alternate trusted adult who can be there. Make sure that the school has all of the current cell phone and emergency contact numbers. Lots of studies show that eating a healthy breakfast makes a big difference. Have a breakfast plan and clothes picked out the evening before to avoid stressful confrontations. Make sure your child is not overtired. Start bedtime early enough that they are getting the sleep they need. You never know when your child will decide to make transition to school a “thing”. Some children who never had issues will decide that this is the year to challenge you. My daughter Lauren was reasonably well adjusted in school so I was caught by surprise when suddenly she was in third grade and a new problem reared its head. Alana was now in kindergarten at the same school. The kindergarten kids got picked up about 90 minutes earlier than the rest of the school and Lauren was simply not okay with that. The injustice of her younger sibling going to spend some private time with mom, while Lauren had to stay in class was more than she could stand. If she saw me anywhere on the campus during the early pick up time, she would get quite upset. I would like to say that this eased after a week or two, but if memory serves, I spend most her third grade year scurrying past the window of her classroom in a low crouch . If they were outside at recess it made things even more complicated. I believe I toyed with wearing camouflage in my efforts to make certain that she didn’t catch a glimpse of me during the early pick up. Even if you are one of the lucky parents whose intrepid child marches into their new situation without a backwards glance, it is perfectly normal for you to be deeply impacted by these milestones that signal the passage of time and that your child is growing older. Lauren reminded me of a cartoon that I used to have taped on the wall above my desk. It was a sketch of a doctor, nurse  mom and a baby. The baby was about to get a shot. The caption was. “you had better hold her close, she might cry." The next frame was the nurse hugging the crying mom as the baby got the shot. Yes, this is likely to be just as tough on you as it is for your child!