Time is funny. It seems like just
days ago my first born Lauren was in her crib having long discussions with her
Winnie the Pooh crib bumpers (yes she survived having bumpers in her crib).
Suddenly she was in kindergarten, then Lowell and then off to UCSB.
I looked up from typing and
said to my husband, “ I need help finding a word.” Without missing a beat he
responded, “ Opossum.” Hmmph; never mind. The word was bittersweet. I continue
writing…
Having your first child
successfully fly out of the nest leaves most parents (I was no exception)
with a bittersweet mix of emotions, but pride and love rise to the top. Once
Lauren left for college, our first visit with her wasn’t until mid October when
the family did what would become a familiar trek down 101. Her campus was
exactly 350 miles away. This two months was the longest we had ever been apart.
As we got close to Santa
Barbara I realized
that I had a visceral longing to grab hold of her and take in big sniffs. I
felt like a mother lion on the Serengeti. I imagine a lot of moms reading this
can relate. I called Lauren and warned her what to expect. She was very
tolerant “It’s okay mom, you can smell me as much as you like.”
Time raced forward and soon both
babies were out of the nest. Both my daughters now know to expect a giant hug,
some tears and some surreptitious sniffing when I haven’t seen them in a while.
Lauren is spending the year overseas and
this current separation is the longest
ever for me. I haven’t seen her since August. My younger daughter Alana, who is
in grad school back east, is able to join us as well. Having the family together
for a little stretch of time is something that I plan to cherish. I am getting
ready for a really big sniff!
This week I am reposting one of my
favorite topics
~ Nurse Judy
The "pie theory" got its
inception many years ago. For a number of years I was the Parent Association
President at my daughters' elementary school. It took an inordinate amount of
my spare time, including meetings several times a week. On many levels it was
rewarding being so involved but I assure you, I was delighted to pass the reins
when my stint was over. Though I was really genuinely relieved to have my time
back, I felt off balance by all the sudden free time in my schedule, and at
first I couldn't figure out why I was so unsettled. I finally realized that
although the new empty hours were welcome, they had created a bit of a vacuum.
I filled it quickly (started taking up karate a few evenings a week), but it
was right around that transition period that the "pie theory" helped
me make sense of things.
Imagine your identity is a circle
(or whole pie). Who you are is divided into many pieces; some pieces are large,
some small, some temporary. Some are constants that are with you life long,
some are optional, some are good for your soul, while still others are energy
sappers that give you little in return.
Are you:
Daughter?
Son?
Sibling?
Friend?
Spouse?
Ex spouse?
Grandparent?
Student?
Volunteer?
Pet owner?
In a job/occupation or seeking
one?
Doing a hobby that takes time and
energy?
Member of a book club or any club
for that matter?
Churchgoer?
Exerciser?
House cleaner?
Carpool driver?
Event planner?
Adventure seeker?
and of course last but not
least....
Parent?
The list goes on and on. What
activities make up your day, your week, your month, your year? What pieces make
up your pie? Take a few moments to figure it out.
It's interesting to think how you
can be identified in different ways by the various pieces of pie. Many folks
recognize me as Nurse Judy. More than once I have actually looked at a rash, or
given advice from a restaurant table (as my patient husband rolls his eyes.)
There was a time years ago when I came to work one day and saw a construction
worker on the roof of a neighboring building. He looked awfully familiar and I
was struggling to place him; was he a parent from the practice? Someone from
school? I could see that he recognized me as well; we kept looking at each
other and a moment passed. I could see that he had figured it out first. He
gave a big grin and called out " Ahoy there Java's mom!" Of course! I
ran into him several times a week with his pack of dogs when I walked my dog
Java. Not only did being a dog owner dictate my daily schedule and get me out
walking rain or shine, it also included me as a member of a distinct social
network in the neighborhood for many years. All the dog owners knew each other
by sight and all the dogs by name. Being "Java's mom" was a wonderful
piece of my "pie" for 12 years. If you are a pet owner, that piece
has a very special place allotted to it.
Your pie is finite. You can only
do and be so much, as there are only so many hours in the day. Some folks have
too many things competing for time and attention, and figuring out which pieces
can be compressed can be quite stressful. Sometimes we make poor choices
For busy working parents this
might be a foreign concept, but some folks don't actually have enough pieces to
begin to fill the shell. A big empty pie can be just as unsettling as a full
one.
Have you ever noticed that when
you are super busy you can manage to get through an entire to-do list very
efficiently? On the other hand, on a quiet day you may have only one or two
things on the list but somehow nothing gets done.
A healthy pie has plenty of
interesting pieces that can grow and shrink according to your needs. The more
forgiving and elastic the pieces, the easier time you will have finding a good
balance.
Your pie will naturally change
from year to year, but some changes are enormous. Some people are quite
comfortable having a very crowded pie, while others are quite fine and happy
doing nothing at all. Part of this is figuring out what your ideal is, and work
towards that.
Any large sudden changes to your
pie will make you feel unsettled, way less so if you have a glimmer of what is
going on; hence this theory. Both of my daughters have taken this to heart. In
fact Alana has permitted me to share her own blog post on the Pie Theory that
she wrote several years ago:
(Blogging runs in the family I
guess)
When there is a large shift in
your pieces my girls and I refer to this as "pie disequilibrium"
Common culprits might include:
Event planner:
Folks planning a wedding or large
event can spend months dealing with all the fun details. When the event is
over, that planner piece is gone, your pie has a gap.
Sports Fan:
My daughter Alana has a twinge of
"Pie Disequilibrium" every October when baseball season is over
Actor:
My daughter Lauren had to learn
how to deal with the extra time that appears after a show run is over.
Caregiver:
Folks that spend much of their
time and energy tending to someone else’s needs might find themselves suddenly
with a large vacuum when that person is gone or no longer needs them.
Parent:
As your children grow up and don't
need you in quite the same capacity it can be a tough adjustment (don't worry,
they still love you.) Luckily this happens in stages. Kindergarten...a full day
of school...college. Parents who have the "parent piece" taking up
the entire pie may suffer.
Huge life changes will create
seismic shifts. Nothing will ever match the huge transitions that take place
when you add the parent piece to your pie. My best advice to you as you shuffle
all your pie pieces and see how things fit comfortably is to identify pieces
that need to be protected so that they don't get too small.
DO NOT IGNORE YOUR PARTNER!
Protect that piece. Get creative
and make sure that you have time for the two of you have some moments being
a couple
DO NOT IGNORE YOUR OWN NEEDS!
Being the best parent that you can
be includes living by example. Let your kids have parents that are multifaceted
and not consumed by any one thing (be that parenting or a job.)
Best of luck finding a balanced,
interesting, and fulfilling pie!
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